Lilacs on the Grill

I think Jack Black is at my Starbucks

2011-11-30T09:16:00.002-06:00

Yes, Jean, there is a blogger here.

It seems odd that I haven't blogged since June. A mix of things are swimming around in the brain this morning. Short list of less pressing items:

-Pregnancy going okay. I have more energy now that I'm out of the first trimester. Not near as sick as I was with Eleanor. We're having a boy, due May 12. We are happy and excited! Kids are fun and exhausting and gross and hilarious all at once. My regular pants don't fit, yet my maternity clothes are still too big. Leggings are my best friends.

-My nephew or niece will be born to Scott & Meggan in January! We're so happy for them and are ready to meet this new member of our family. Miss Hope is growing so fast and Will & Alana are doing great. Tori & Xan are such big girls--it's hard to believe Tori will be 9 next year.

-I'm seriously pursuing some career goals. I have realized over the last year that I would be a better mom by working. So, I have put some thought in to what I believe to be a good path for me and I'm working toward that goal. I hesitate to go into specifics just yet. The wheels are turning for now and I'm ready.

-I'd still like to have a podcast.

Now to the pressing thought this morning. I enjoy giving music to friends. The first serious mix I did was for Jeremy, when we were dating. Looking back, I see it as an attempt to impress him with my taste and hopefully to introduce him to something new. When I listen to that CD now, I still like it. It's not full of love songs, though there are some on there. It's not all rock. It's not all pop--it's a MIX (duh). Since then, I've done 4 or 5 discs for other friends, and have plans for more in the future. But I have to say that the process absolutely drains me. I try to take into account the recipient's personality and whatever our friendship may be. I try to throw in new things they may not know (a challenge to me, because I do not listen to a lot of "new" music, yet I do know of some things that are a little obscure). Most of all, I want them to say to someone, "Hey, I heard this tune and I thought you'd like it...", a pay-it-forward type of situation. In my estimation that is a very high compliment.

Here's the other side: am I still trying to win approval by not so subtly saying "Hey! Look how cool I am! I'm not a dork! I'm massively awesome! I wear Chuck Taylors! I dislike Justin Bieber! I'm just like Rob Gordon! You can't pin me into any mold!" That is what screams at me sometimes, in the darker recesses of my head. Yet it directly fits the mold of what used to be novelty and is now socially the norm. Like tattoos. Once for rebels, now they have mass appeal and are not really rebellious.

I do support the idea that one ought to like what she/he likes, and do so unashamedly, though I have difficulty applying this to myself. I tell friends all the time to like what you like, and that they don't have to make excuses for it. I'm not sitting around in a fog or anything, waiting for lightening to strike, but as I finish a CD for a friend, this was on my mind today. I'll continue to give music because it's just plain fun.

But I wonder, who am I trying to impress?

What's Old is New

2011-06-30T00:35:00.004-05:00

It is 12:35 a.m. I am curled up in one of the guest beds because it seemed hot in our room and I wanted to surf the internet and type this blog yet leave Jeremy in peace. Today is my 34th birthday and I have a heavy case of nostalgia. There are some friends about whom I wish to write tonight. These people have unknowingly shaped the way I view friendship--in a very positive way. I'm not sure I could even identify it before now, but I was thinking about friendships tonight and these people automatically came to mind. *Slight disclaimer-I try to learn from all my relationships. This does not discredit anyone I may not have mentioned. Please do not think that.*

Annie: I think Annie was the first real best friend I ever had. We spent so much of the 7th and 8th grades together. We had made-up nicknames with which to sign our notes to one another. We spent endless amounts of time together doing various ridiculous things. I honestly don't know how we drifted apart later in high school. There was never any animosity, we simply drifted in different directions. I enjoyed our re-connection earlier this year, and do wish I had gone to the reunion. It was a first taste of unconditional friendship.

Cherrie: I don't even remember how we met. I think subconsciously we bonded over the fact that our moms both had serious health problems. We loved Nelson. We loved cherry icees. I think at one point we gave ourselves names like "rain" and "sun" and pretended to recycle. We fought like cats and dogs. I'm moved to tears when I remember her spending time with my dad, and him performing her wedding. My heart is thrilled when I think of the mother she has become.

Sarah: 9th grade never knew what hit it. Sarah and I were literally joined at the hip. We loved PC Quest. We tore pages out of our textbooks and wrote notes on them to each other. We practically lived at one another's houses. We worshiped Christian Slater and Pump Up The Volume. We swapped clothes, told stories, danced a lot and had so many in jokes it would be hard to count. I am overjoyed that we are in touch now. She is a beautiful wife and mother and so full of interesting things.

Brandy: Oh holy cow. The things I could write here. Brandy and I met in choir. What ensued was one of the funniest times of my life, and some of the saddest. Suffice to say I made some poor decisions involving a boy. Even so, Brandy was kind enough to be the one to offer forgiveness and all was mended. We were in debate together, too, and Brandy remembered that I was really into Butterfinger candy at that time-she bought me a whole box for Christmas! I'm happy to see that she is happy, and still the funny person I used to know. If we were to sit down and have a coffee together, we'd need a boat load of tissues. Thank you for coming to mom's memorial.

Jake, Carrie & Jessie: These three have to be lumped together because we were always together. We met in vocal class. Well, I should say I met them--they already knew one another. Though two years behind me in school, there was no distinction when it came to the 4 of us...nothing was off limits (though maybe should have been. Jake's underwear on heads?). We cried, fought, sang, played and loved each other very much. I carry that love with me, even now. I didn't realize how carefree those days were. You were there for the fall-out of my mother's death and my father's re-marriage. I think of you often and smile (mostly when I think of that hideous old west show and Star Trek).

April: Oh, I can't even begin to write it. My snit is woven into the fabric of who I am. We met in small group at college. We have so much history that I can't even tell where she starts and I begin. I was honored to have her in my wedding, and to be in hers. She's my sister, really and truly. We talk almost every day. She tells me what to expect in motherhood and gives sound advice, and is wise enough to know when saying something isn't the best idea. Oh we fret and pick at one another. But that is the nature of us. I love you my dear, dear friend.

Jenn: Some lady stopped us in the grocery store one night and asked if we were sisters. This made us laugh so hard we snorted. Some say it is difficult to tell what we are talking about when speaking to one another. So many of our jokes have woven their way into our regular dialogue. You inspire me to be a better scholar. You helped me to become more self-aware. I can not imagine a world with you not in it. I am a better person for knowing you!

Luci: Your loving hands pulled me up when I was slipping under the water of self-made storms. We met at our small church in Houston. We finally connected over a dinner at Pappadeaux (I think). We've exhausted our brains on theology, sushi, relationships and coffee. You suggested (though unintentionally) therapy and eventually 12-step. I am forever grateful for your love and compassion. Luci deals tenderly with people and this is a great gift.

K: K is the loving aunt who soothes and speaks sense. I can not tell how many times I have called her for advice. Though careful with her words, I never got the sense I was being spoken down to, and I came away from those conversations either determined or refreshed. Her biblical scholarship is astounding and I consider her opinion very worthy of consideration. Hers is a life of realistic peace. I love her very very much.

Billy & Amy: We met you during medical school. I was pretty sure we'd never hear from you after the first time we had dinner at Katz's. But here we are, 10 years later, getting ready to go on vacation together. Your friendship is burned on my heart. I can count on you for sound advice, a listening ear and probably a good bottle of wine. I love your children. I pray for you often. I love you.

Lorinna: We met in Houston and became two of the biggest goof balls ever. Lorinna loves to laugh and entertain! We shared heart moments. She was there when I received news of my father's passing. So much love and support was given in that time, and I was so very lost. We live too far apart for my liking, but I know she's just a phone call away.

Crystal, Rachel, Ely: Our friendship is so new! I like the way we are together. All 3 of you speak sense to me when I need it, and comfort too. Though we are in the beginning stages of this friendship, I already feel it a good investment. You held my hand and walked me through postpardum nightmares. You always answer, always help, always love. You are a very real blessing to me in this new place.

So there it is. Been on my heart all day. I am blessed beyond any measure. Thank you, God, for these miracles.

Once in a While

2011-06-19T22:33:00.003-05:00

My posts seem lacking as of late. I blame nothing. I prefer to say that when I have something about which to write, I will. And this evening, I have some things to say.

On Churching: Churches are part business, part blessing. The business end of church leaves a somewhat bitter taste in my mouth, because I do not feel that churches are led in a family way regarding business matters. There have been times when I have thought to myself "A family wouldn't run itself this way, why is the church family doing this?" And it is about no particular topic. We enjoy the mid-sized church we are attending. Being somewhat heavily involved in the churches I have attended in the past, I have taken a more passive role here. We host our small group, and that has been enjoyable and a blessing. Matters of business at church (budgets, administrative things, etc) are necessary. They must be attended to, no matter how they fit the philosophy of the congregation. I simply wish it were a more organic process, letting members fit where they fit and watching things grow in to ministry. I know this is an idealistic view versus that which church actually is. As I find my personal thoughts about the gospel and ministry ingraining themselves deeper into my spirit, I'm finding that perhaps the passive role is not one I'm meant to take. Which is a long way to say that perhaps I need more. More involvement with people, more of an active role in this place we now call home. My ministry degree means a lot to me, and in an effort to help build the kingdom, passivity may not be my calling. We could debate the merits of what a "calling" actually is, yet I feel it. Perhaps the time has come to honor those thoughts-to search for active ministry. My heart and brain have been idle too long. I pray for vocational ministry opportunities to present themselves.

On Self: I have felt for some while that it is time for me to figure out what I want from my life. The title of Wife and Mother are fulfilling in their own right. Yet I struggle to put forth from myself what exactly it is I can to to contribute to building some sort of career. I have always thought of myself as one who can create a career. If I were to take some sort of assessment test, the answers might read something like this: excels at creative thinking, has some leadership qualities. At times lacks motivation to follow through. Things I'd like to do: write professionally for a publication, write about music, act in community theatre (I'm pursuing this for a show in the fall), teach and/or work for a para-church ministry, build up my craft business, take some real art classes in painting and calligraphy, try again to work in broadcasting. The time has come to address these things.

On Mothering: My girl is growing so fast. Her first birthday is in a week and a half. We're planning to move forward and try for number two this fall. I have moved beyond thinking that everything I do shapes her...she is showing so much independence and personality. My love for her knows no limits, yet we are creating boundaries that will help our relationship become healthy. She fills me with such joy and laughter! That is priceless. On days when we are frustrated with one another, I try to let the silent moments restore me and move on. I want her to be strong and proud of herself. My demons are not her demons. I refuse to pass them on to her. I am growing to think that the stay-at-home mom in me is not such a good situation. I do truly feel blessed to be able to do that, no doubt. However, some have shared with me that they are better mothers because they work, and I feel some of that. I do not play the game of one being better than the other--they are simply personal choices that one makes to fulfill his or her life. Whatever decision I make in this area will be met with spending time with God and plenty of prayer and meditation.

On Summer: Oh glorious sunshine and tan lines. Hot dogs eaten in the yard, splashing in pools, the smell of sunscreen--all tonic to my soul. Winter may get the best of holidays, but summer is a 3 month holiday all its own. The rain dances continue, we are desperate out here in the dust. Ranchers are now even having trouble harvesting hay for livestock. We pray for rain, dear Lord.

Hot Temps and Haircuts

2011-05-28T20:50:00.002-05:00

I chopped my hair off today. Well, technically not me, but the lady at Ulta. I've been wearing an inverted bob haircut for about 3 years. I took the lady this picture of Sienna Miller. My haircut doesn't look exactly like that...she cut it a lot shorter on top than this picture, but it is nice and comfortable. It'll be where I want it in about 3 weeks.

And, oh, the blessed summertime has arrived. So much sunshine and warmth...I love it. We get to go swimming on Monday. Bitty loves to swim, she's such a little fishy. She's battling the teething demons and ear infections. Poor kid is on her third ear infection, and is duking it out like a champ. Her fever was pretty high last night, but it didn't seem to bother her. She's doing so much these days. Finally started crawling and is now pulling up on things. She loves to dig all the books out of her bookcase and spread them out. She claps and finds that hilarious. She gives us "head bonks" when we ask for them. She talks to herself when playing and loves to be around people and other children. Parent's Day Out is closed for two weeks, then back open for 1 month, then closed until September! Yikes.

My niece, Hope, should be born any day now. Alana is past her due date and we are anxiously awaiting Hope's arrival. My sister-in-law Meggan is also expecting! She's due in January. Babies are everywhere in the Warfel family right now.

Cloth diapering continues to be successful. Even Jeremy got on board with it, and says he didn't think it would pan out. He was skeptical, but says I converted even him! I love the people at Green Mountain Diapers. They are so helpful! I use their 100% cotton flat diapers (called Clotheez) and their Workhorse diapers (Clotheez cut into a fitted diaper). I favor diaper covers from Bummi's and Thirsties, and I think flushable liners and GENIUS (I use the ones from Imse Vimse--no scraping poopie diapers out in the toilet! Just peel off the flushable liner and voila!). I wash diapers each evening. 1 cycle in cold/cold, one cycle in hot/cold with a disinfectat (I use Borax). Our water bill hasn't even suffered. Win-win!

Bless Me Father...

2011-04-14T21:42:00.004-05:00

Oh, do I have a mountainous load of confession stored up. A dear friend recently said during a meeting "I woke up on Saturday and thought I was normal." I did just that. I decided that my trip and my family were at the top of my priority list and I DID NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT FOOD. So, I ate whatever I wanted, when I wanted, and for someone like me, that is dangerous territory. I'm even blogging this before I have a sit down with my sponsor. But, make no mistake, I'm not sitting around crying about it. It happened. The sun still came up today.

Funny thing about food addiction...I don't think our society looks upon it as addiction. We're encouraged by marketing tactics to eat to soothe ourselves, eat to celebrate, eat, eat, eat. It's not illegal. A lot of times it doesn't even cause us to get sick. But those who deal with food addiction on a daily basis will tell you it is like being chained to a runaway train. The cycles of eating can be so frustrating while you are thinking that you are soothing yourself. It is indeed cunning, baffling and most of all, POWERFUL. My brain simply doesn't have the ability to shut off the food thoughts.

I was using a secondary program to help me with portion control. That became so overwhelming! In addition to monitoring my regular food intake and avoiding my binge foods, I was recording all my foods and exercise and it became a regimen that was too restricting. I had to let it go, which in turn made me feel a bit of a failure, but I am not. I simply can not use that secondary program. I lose focus on my steps and the constant monitoring leads me to be rebellious. I'll stick to my meetings and concentrate on my spiritual growth, thank you very much. I can not do this alone, nor can I do it without my higher power. Am I a strong person? Sure. Do I need the support of my group? Without a doubt. Can I do it alone? No, and I don't want to.

Today I pray the prayer of one humbled by her own stupidity, and gather the strength to move forward. Rest is much needed. The trip was as smooth as it could have possibly been. My grandpa continues to gain strength and mental stability (amazing what 3 meals a day will do for you, grandpa. Insulin dependent diabetics can not get away with only snacking!). I'm sure I will return in the coming weeks, as we, together with grandpa, continue to make decisions about some things. Lord rain down your mercies. They are new every morning!

Blessed Assurance...

2011-04-10T20:48:00.004-05:00

Viva Italia (And Other Parts of My Heritage)

2011-04-09T21:43:00.002-05:00

For the last 3 days I have been in the land of Lincoln...Southern Illinois. My mother's father's family is Italian. I am actually only one quarter Italian, but it is the part of my heritage with which I am most familiar. My great-grandparents were first generation Americans. Grandma and Pops Talluto (Lazzeri was the surname of my grandmother's first husband). There is a large Italian community in this area. I've been enjoying some of their fine salami and cheese.

There are many decisions to be made with my grandfather. And I say "with" because he is capable of being in our discussions and he NEEDS to be a participant. For the most part his medications have leveled out. He is resting and gaining strength at a nursing home. The same one he in which he rehabbed after his car accident four years ago. His appetite is a problem...he isn't hungry when lunch/dinner time arrives, so he wasn't eating, which in turn sent him into sugar problems with his insulin. There are other major hurdles we have to decide on, but they don't have to be done right now. The important thing is that he is recovering and resting. He seems a bit in the dumps, and I suppose I would be too.

My step-mother has been such a blessing. She is helping me to take one step at a time rather than taking on the entire situation in one week. Jeremy has been an invaluable source of help and advice and the calm voice that speaks a word of wisdom to my harried self. Eleanor has tolerated everything very well. She travels like a pro, that kid! She has discovered elbow macaroni and real mashed potatoes. Instant love. The extended family is having fun with her. My mom's sisters and my maternal grandma have been a great source of support and love, too.

We lost Jeremy's maternal grandmother this week. She was somewhat of an enigma to me. We had some good conversations together, and there was no doubt where she placed her trust. I'm glad to have known her in the short time I did. I do not feel sad for her, she was sick for an entire year. I do feel sad for Frances and Shirley. Burying parents is not easy at any age.

I'll return home on Wednesday. Things will continue to settle with grandpa, I'm certain of that. Laura will be here in the following weeks, and I'm watching the Southwest specials to come back myself. I'm off to dreamland for a few.

Askew

2011-04-04T18:14:00.005-05:00

So many things are happening at once. Here goes.

Jeremy's grandmother has been living with cancer for about a year. She lives with his mom in San Angelo. We took Eleanor to see her last weekend for what will probably be the last time. She's pretty much bed fast at this point. Her body is tired, and I feel as if she is ready. She's ready to rest and see her husband and sisters and her God. Still, age does not make losing a family member any easier. I do not feel sad for her, but for us and more so for Jeremy's mother and her sister. Jeremy says we can expect no more than a couple of weeks left with her.

My grandfather has been admitted to the hospital in Illinois. On Friday he was supposed to attend a dance. When he didn't show, his friends called the police. They broke into his home and found him on the floor, very incoherent. Some medication made him very unstable. He's been on and off in the hospital...sometimes he knows what's going on, sometimes he doesn't. My step-mother is his power of medical attorney and she is on her way from Chicago to him in Southern Illinois. My father was an only child, therefore my brothers and I are the only grandchildren. All of grandpa's brothers and sisters are deceased. We're basically all he's got left. I'll be traveling there at the end of this week with Eleanor. This means a flight from Lubbock to St. Louis with just me and kiddo. I'm freaked out by this an nervous that she won't tolerate it well, but I suppose I'll cross that bridge when it/if it comes. My grandfather is a very independent 86, almost 87 year old. He will no longer be able to live alone.

We could use prayers of all sorts. Specifically we ask for prayers for strength. I ask for the patience and words to use when speaking to my grandpa about going into a care facility. Pray for comfort for Jeremy's family. We're all sorts of wound up around here.

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Happier Thoughts:

Empty Journals

2011-04-03T22:06:00.002-05:00

I have a ton of empty journals. I don't collect them or anything. Some are gifts, some I picked up on sale...I have two that I use regularly-one for devotional and church notes and one for a personal journal and 12-step notes. I look forward to filling them up.

In the past two weeks, I've had an alarming amount of old habits creep up on me. My old gnawing sense of insecurity has bit me hard. Habits that I have long put on hold are seeming essential again...the need to check everyone and everything to make sure they're all okay with me, and a general sense of feeling out of control. I know these are things I will work to keep in check for the rest of my life. That does not send me into despair. What I do not like is the feeling that they creep up so silently, and before I can react they are taking hold of my actions once again. Oh deceiver, you do your work stealthily. I struggle to be quiet and listen to the voice of my Redeemer. I get so lost in the ins and outs of my days that I muffle the sound of His goodness in my ears and heart. Each night when I journal (sometimes a paragraph, sometimes pages), I write this sentence at the end of my writing "I will always ask for help" or "I still pray for help." There are days and times when I can literally feel my lungs filling up with the murky demons and I begin to drown. And honestly, I question whether or not the help will actually come. It seems that when I quiet myself down and get out of my own way that the Spirit has a chance to fall on me.

I'm reading Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. I read it once, four years ago, but it is worth reading again. It is time for me to decide what kind of person I want to be, and to be it. It is also time for me to define who God is in my life and let him be it. I'm so tired of trying to take control of every tiny situation-simply to satisfy my own sense of insecurity. I see it creeping into my relationship with Eleanor, and I simply won't have it. I recently read in Alan Wright's Free Yourself Be Yourself that "My life long oppressor has no hold on my child." (p. 14). This sentence opened me up to a new thought about my sweet baby girl--my demons don't have to be hers. This was a new crack in my armor, opening me up to sweet freedom.

I am not bound by others' thoughts and actions. I am open and real. I am free. I can rest.

Those words feel so very sweet.

I always like the beginning of a new week. It is cleansing to start anew. Great is thy faithfulness.

Bitty Pigglesworth & Other Things Noteworthy

2011-02-28T22:29:00.006-06:00

It seems that I call my daughter all except that which is her name. Bitty Pigglesworth is one of those pet names, along with Boogie, Matilda Louise (one my mother used!), Bean, Sweets, Big Girl and Mama. I dumped the photos off of my phone

Playing outside

Laughing with Dad

A trip to Wal-Mart!

Helping Mama with the laundry.

Oh, Mama. I just couldn't make it.

I have no idea why I'm getting an underline. Anyway. Moving on.

I'm slogging through Hugh Laurie's novel The Gun Seller. It reads like he talks, and feels as if he's trying too hard to be witty. I'll finish it, but it is somewhat laborious.

For spiritual reading I'm using a guided bible reading titled A Month With Jesus. I'm also enjoying two daily readers from OA.

Cloth diapering is going smoothly, except for nighttime. She soaks right through them and usually through her pj's. I've been using a disposable at night. Eleanor is getting over her 2nd bout of sickness in 3 weeks. Her pedi says it is not unusual to pick up a residual infection after having the flu. Hers happens to be in her sinuses, causing her to cough a lot with all that drainage. Thankfully her chest sounds clear and she has no ear infections. One more round of antibiotics. We have decided that Jeremy will not treat her, even though he has pediatric training. He's dad and not doctor. Our dear friend Jeremy Dalton is her pedi, and we're thankful that he lets us call at any time with all of our questions.

I purchased the most wonderful book on home manicures & pedicures. It is called Rescue Your Nails by Ji Baek. It was $4.00 on Amazon. She is a celeb manicurist and runs Rescue Beauty Lounge in Manhattan. I was horrified when she said that the pedicure thrones may be clean in the basin but the filters...DEAR LORD IN HEAVEN THE FILTERS. I shall not dissuade any of you who love a pedicure throne, but my toes shall never touch one again. Anyway. Check out the book. Her nail polish is nice too.

The Oscars bored me.

Harry's Law is a decent TV show, but I keep looking for Alan Shore.

Our minister is preaching a series through the Sermon On The Mount. He is a gifted public speaker and scholar. To say I'm "enjoying" the series might be a bit of an incorrect statement...I am learning a lot and thinking about things I haven't for a while. I believe that scholarship is a spiritual discipline of the highest order, and those muscles are being challenged in me right now. I've also had several meaningful exchanges with close friends about spiritual/biblical ideologies, and it is challenging to refine my own apologetic.

That's it for now. Give Love.

Beat the Battery

2011-02-18T22:02:00.003-06:00

I'm running low on juice. Here are a few thoughts for now: Eleanor is almost 8 months old. She is desperately trying to crawl! She winds up looking like she's swimming. Foods include: acorn squash, golden delicious apples, zucchini, peas, sweet potatoes and bananas. Tried avocado-she didn't like it too much.

We're trying out cloth diapers and reusable wipes.

Pros: spending less on diapers and wipes, environmentally friendly, easier to clean than I expected, and once I learned to fold them properly they're quite absorbent. I moisten the reusable wipes and store them in a wipe warmer and use a natural solution from Kissaluvs for cleansing. I purchased all supplies (except the warmer, it was a gift) from Green Mountain Diapers . They had fast shipping and TONS of information on their site (it was recommended to me). We use Clotheez prefold diapers and have 3 covers-one from Bummi's (the super brite), one from Thirsty's, and one from Bum Genius. I do use a pail I bought at Home Depot (originally for another project) and rinse dirty diapers in the laundry room sink which we do not use for food. They get a wash in cold, then a wash in hot. The covers eliminate the need for giant safety pins (scary).

Cons: Clothes don't fit as well. The diapers are a bit bulkier and give Eleanor some ghetto booty. I still send disposables to parent's day out and church. Though if she's with me, I'll take and extra clothee and cover and I have a wet bag for her diaper bag. Start up cost was an $80 investment, and we will have to get into larger sizes once she reaches the 30 lb mark (but that is a long way off).

All in all, I'd say it is a good thing so far. We'll see how legit the savings is once the water bill comes through!

Picture time! Sorry for the repeats, FB friends.

Hola!

2011-01-24T11:29:00.002-06:00

Yes, I'm here. I have a lot to blog about, and a lot to share since the last time I bothered to blog was AT THE BEGINNING OF NOVEMBER. Sheesh. I'll give a short list for now 'cause my Bitty Pigglesworth is sleeping and I need to do a few things while she's catching Zs.

-Jenn was here for Thanksgiving, which we shared with the Lamm family.

-My brother Scott and his wife Meggan lost their baby, a boy they named Parker. She was at almost 20 weeks and had to deliver him. It was a hard time. They are not in despair and will try again as soon as possible.

-December was full of small parties and trips to San Angelo and Dallas. Eleanor got to visit with two of her great-grandparents: Jeremy's Grandmother Cooper and my Grandpa Warfel. Kiddo had her first bout of stomach bug passing it on to both me and Jeremy the next day. Thankfully it was over quickly!

-New Year's Eve was spent at home in Lubbock. Jeremy and I toasted with champagne at midnight and went to sleep.

-Jeremy and I took a 5 day trip to Napa, CA and the wine country. Eleanor spent a week at Ava's house (Jeremy's mom). We had a wonderful time and I think Frances is still trying to recover.

Since the Napa trip we have settled in and are buzzing about the house and enjoying being home. Eleanor gets bigger every day it seems. She sits up, eats peas, squash and zucchini (we're going to try apples this week), still takes some formula during the day, loves the dogs, loves the bathtub, severely dislikes having her nose wiped, has two teeth and can not keep any sort of socks on her feet. I do have photos from our trips and will try to post them soon.

From the Dark Side of the Moon

2010-11-05T09:28:00.003-05:00

Hola, lovelies. I had every intention of hooking up my camera and unloading some pictures. We've had a trip to Illinois, so Eleanor could meet her great-grandpa, great-grandma and other extended family members. We have a precious video of grandpa Henry praying for Eleanor. We didn't do the cemetary visits this time...I simply wasn't feeling it. And it seems a bit macabre to trot my infant out there for pictures with mom and dad's headstones. Right now I think that's something that can wait until she's older.

We had a visit from aunt Yoshimi and cousin Magz. That was so wonderful. We miss those chicas (and the dad/husband unit, too...).

Boogie dressed up as a bumblebee for Halloween. Dad and I were beekeepers. She was remarkably good-natured for the whole thing. I'm thinking Gumby for next year (but let's get through today, shall we?).

She has hit the 5 month mark and is weighing in at 15 lbs. She rolls over, kind of holds her own bottle, loves to lay on the changing table, giggles when Dad comes home, sleeps from 8:45/9 ish until 6/7 am. She has also started eating cereal and it is fun to watch her figure out what to do with the spoon. I'm not sure much of it gets in her tummy, but we do have a fun time trying!

_______________________________

Reading is here and there. I've been wandering through Brennan Manning's Souvenirs of Solitude and I like it very much. He ends each chapter with a sort of poem Psalm type writing which appeals to me. Manning is an amazing person to me on many levels. His concept of God and God-love are brought in such a way that my own thoughts about the Lord's love are challenged. This (in my opinion) is the mark of a good writer-when one's thoughts can be challenged without offense. But make no mistake, Manning's words are not always soft. It is good spiritual reading for me.

For meetings we've been going through the AA Big Book. I'm quite impressed by the magnitude of the testimonies written on its pages. I'm also enjoying reading another OA booklet called For Today that has daily readings. Each daily reading is accompanied by a quote of some person. These little readings are wonderfully written, and often bring me a sense of calm and connectedness to God, myself and others.

For Fiction, I have nothing going at the moment, but I have a John Grisham hardback that I have not read sitting by my bed that I may begin this week. I recently finished Portia de Rossi's autobiography titled Unberable Lightness which chronicles her severe battle with anorexia and bulimia. She is now (thankfully!) recovered, and anyone who has had ANY issue with food will relate to this book. I read the Kindle edition.

_______________________________

Christmas is upon us and I am thankful not to be pregnancy-sick this year. We've had some family struggles in the past week, and I will only ask your prayers for my family, without going into detail. This time of year can be so difficult for many people. My parents both passed during the Thanksgiving season, and I know many struggle with loss over the holidays. I don't really anymore (it is all bittersweet now), but for some, this time of year is filled with regret and sorrow. If you know someone in this situation, send them some love.

________________________________

That's it for now. Hope not to be away for so long next time. Until then, Give Love.

Product Placement

2010-10-05T00:10:00.002-05:00

It's after midnight. I'm sitting here with a cup of lightly sweetened decaf (Timothy's Fair Trade for Keurig) with a slight shot of half and half. I've been intending to blog about some products I love, and it isn't a Friday, so I shall call it Wednesday Wonders.

Recently I purchased some eye shadow designed by tattoo artist Kat Von D. I really like her show on TLC, LA Ink. But, not for the drama that TLC insists on playing up--what I really like is hearing the stories behind people's tattoos and watching the artists design and apply the tats. Anyway, Kat came out with a line of makeup for Sephora, so I used some pocket money to buy her Ludwig palate. After I purchased it, I was aware that my makeup skills are minimal, so I jumped on You Tube to search through tutorials. There I happened upon the makeup artist named Kandee Johnson. She has a skillion videos on all things makeup and beauty related and I've been watching them ever since.

Kandee introduced me to some products that I now love and I feel like sharing the wealth. I've never been a person obsessed by outer beauty, but I have some problem areas and wanted to know more about skin care and makeup. I love makeup. I'd do full on drama makeup every day if I had the chance! She has videos on skin care, every makeup look imaginable, costume makeup, hair coloring and even some food stuffs to help with skin and hair.

First up, skin care. When we moved to Lubbock, my skin had trouble acclimating to the dry climate--understandable since I was basically living IN the ocean in Houston. My skin ITCHED. And I don't mean a little bit. I felt as if there were bugs under my skin! In addition to upping my water intake, Kandee recommended several products for glowy happy skin. They are:

Mychelle Fruit Enzyme Cleanser-beware, it is not cheap. A 2oz bottle was TEN BUCKS and, I had to buy it in Houston because I haven't found a distributor here in Lubbock. I use it only at night. For morning cleansing I use Burt's Bees Orange Oil cleanser. It is sooooo great too. Both cleansers are 100% natural and contain no phosphates or petrochemicals.

Alba Unpetroleum Jelly-this stuff is amazing. You can find it in the natural section of Whole Foods or Central Market or most drug stores. It is around $5 for a tube. I use it only in the evening. After washing and applying Burt's Bees Moisturizer for Acne with Willowbark I apply a thin layer of the Unpetroleum jelly to seal everything in. I have to say, it has been wonderful. My skin feels so smooth and fresh! The itching has stopped! I still get the occasional little pimple and a quick shot of salicylic acid gel clears it right up.

Next up--home teeth bleaching. I drink coffee and tea. I do not want to stop drinking coffee and tea. Kandee recommended a bleach called Plus White 5 minute bleach. I purchased mine at Wal-Mart for about $5. If you are averse to Wal-Mart, check Target and Walgreens. She advises to apply the gel directly to your teeth, getting in all the cracks and crevices. She also recommended heading over to the sports department and purchasing some .98 football mouth guards that you can mold to your teeth, creating custom trays. This method has lightened my teeth by at least two shades, and it is simply to apply and I brush it off with my toothbrush and toothpaste after the 5 minutes are up (it tastes NASTY).

Now for the fun stuff-MAKEUP!!!! For foundation, Kandee recommends Laura Mercier, available at Sephora. For a cost friendly option, she loves L'Oreal True Match, available at most drugstores. This is what I use and it is really light and nice. For concealer, I use MAC. I also use Mac Studio Fix powder to set it all (my color is NC 30. A MAC consultant can help you find your shade). All these years I had been applying these products in the wrong order. Correct order is foundation, concealer, powder.

Kandee adores MAC eyeshadows, as I have for years. I have several colors including: Trax, Shroom, Sketch, Embark, Pfoof, Juxt, Vibrant Grape, Espresso, Naked Lunch, Expensive Pink, Typographic and Stars N Rockets. Most of these I purchase in the less expensive pro palatte form, which fit into my magnetic compact. Other eyeshadows I use are the previously mentioned Ludwig palatte by Kat Von D, and and Urban Decay palatte of which I can not find the name. En route to me via ebay (because it is sold out EVERYWHERE) is Urban Decay's Naked palatte. I'm also using a couple of Sephora's store brand eye liners, a black gel liner from Avon, and a brown stick liner from L'Oreal (being sure to set them all with powder so they don't end up on my eyebrows by the end of the day).

For mascara, I'm using another Kandee endorsed product, L'Oreal's double extend and an eyelash curler. One thing I was never into was coloring my eyebrows. Well, I do it now! I use a powder by Clinique (but anything matching your hair is okay). It was bizarre at first to see how much they gave my face shape, but I've gotten used to it.

For blush, I use a cream blush by MAC called Posey. If I'm not into a blush, I use a highlighter and bronzer by Benefit called "10" also recommended by Kandee for all skin colors and types (available at Ulta).

Lips are nude, nude, nude! It's so mod and I love it! I didn't realize how nude lips can be done right. I use a primer by Pop Cosmetics. The lipstick I'm loving was another recommendation by Kandee by Mac called Creme de Nude with a gloss by Nars called Orgasm. I also like a lip liner by Urban Decay called Naked.

So, that's a lot of makeup and you can definitely tell where my pocket money has been ending up these days. On a regular day, I don't even wear much makeup, but it sure has been fun trying some new stuff out. Maybe in another life I could've worked in cosmetology! This blog is pure fluff but it was fun. Hope you like it and maybe find something new to try!

Kandee's blog: www.kandeethemakeupartist.blogspot.com

Trying Again

2010-09-28T12:26:00.004-05:00

Ya'll. Go check out my new and improved art blog at http://.gryphonarts.blogspot.com. I have deleted the old Heirloom House blog...it was so outdated and I don't even use that name anymore. My personal blog is not linked on that page for a reason...I'm using this new blog to promote art and the link is published on my business cards. I don't necessarily want all the nice people I meet at craft fairs coming to read my personal blog.

I am so excited about this adventure. Come along on the journey!

Friday Night in Dallas, circa 1997

2010-09-26T23:17:00.002-05:00

I've had a roller coaster weekend, emotionally speaking. "What else is new?" you ask. I'm winding down after an evening of dinner with friends, Eleanor's daily "I gotta scream for a few minutes, Mama!" and a marathon cleaning of the kitchen (seriously, it smelled funny in there). Baby Sweet-Cheeks is fast asleep. Jeremy is working on billing. And here I sit, thinking about Deep Ellum.

I like to read a blog by a crafty woman named Suze Weinberg. There is a link to her blog in the sidebar. She always posts a ton of great pictures of her travels and teaching. She mostly works in encaustic waxes, embossing enamels, stamping and some painting. She isn't a scrapper. Her waxed picture frames are amazing and I'm always fascinated by the things she creates. Anyway, she posted about some neat stores she recently visited, and this reminded me of a shop I used to visit in Deep Ellum.

Deep E is a section of Dallas, and you can read more of it's history HERE. I had the great fortune of hitting that scene while it was bustling in the 90s. Now a shell of its former self, DE was a hotspot on Friday and Saturday evenings. You could't get a parking spot within half a mile of the place, and it was so packed with interesting people that there was no need to sit at a bar to see fantastic stuff. There were tattoo parlors and vintage clothing stores (where I purchased my first pair of authentic bell bottoms) bookstores, coffee shops and weird stores that sold all manor of oddities.

Mark & Larry's Stuff was one of those shops. This narrow shop was chock full of trinkets and goodies that ranged from candles that would burn for an entire year to hand carved wooden dolls. I loved their selection of incense. I purchased a mantle clock for my brother there. I'm certain a martini glass or two in my collection came from there. The owners were always on the shop floor (I think they lived upstairs) and were some of the most friendly people with which I have had the pleasure of talking. It was one of those places that you wanted to take your out-of-town friends, along with breakfast at Cafe Brazil, or a coffee nightcap at Insomnia (where Rocky and I used to do our homework on Sunday evenings while watching British TV shows on the tiny lounge TV and going through packs of Marlboro lights. Ahhh....the days when we thought we were going to change the world.).

And so this evening I fondly remember Mark & Larry's and DE in the later heydays. I hear that the area is mostly deserted now, and that's a shame to me. I remember going to see the Reverend Horton Heat at the Gypsy Tea Room, and Mike Roe and the 77s at The Door. Jackopierce used to play there frequently, and I have their recording from Trees. I celebrated my 21st birthday at Sambuca. I ate one skillion slices of pizza at Rocky's. My personal wedding shower was at that Cafe Brazil. Dreams of living in the Adam Hats building. Happy times, happy times.

Here's to you, Deep Ellum, and the fantastic memories.

Articulation

2010-09-24T11:58:00.002-05:00

My friend, M.Y. posted this article on her blog, and I have to say, it is awesome. It says some things that I have been unable to articulate. While reading, I heard myself say, "Yes, that's it exactly!" So, here you go. I'm posting it in all my spots, so no need to re-read on FB or Twitter. Stay-at-home parents (Mamas and Dads), I'm spreading the word.

Carolyn:

Best friend has child. Her: exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc. Me (no kids): Wow. Sorry. What'd you do today? Her: Park, play group . . .

Okay. I've done Internet searches, I've talked to parents. I don't get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners . . . I do all those things, too, and I don't do them EVERY DAY. I guess what I'm asking is: What is a typical day and why don't moms have time for a call or e-mail? I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events) and I manage to get it all done. I'm feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy -- not a bad thing at all -- but if so, why won't my friend tell me the truth? Is this a peeing contest ("My life is so much harder than yours")? What's the deal? I've got friends with and without kids and all us child-free folks get the same story and have the same questions.

Tacoma, Wash.

Relax and enjoy. You're funny.

Or you're lying about having friends with kids.

Or you're taking them at their word that they actually have kids, because you haven't personally been in the same room with them.

Internet searches?

I keep wavering between giving you a straight answer and giving my forehead some keyboard. To claim you want to understand, while in the same breath implying that the only logical conclusions are that your mom-friends are either lying or competing with you, is disingenuous indeed.

So, since it's validation you seem to want, the real answer is what you get. In list form. When you have young kids, your typical day is: constant attention, from getting them out of bed, fed, clean, dressed; to keeping them out of harm's way; to answering their coos, cries, questions; to having two arms and carrying one kid, one set of car keys, and supplies for even the quickest trips, including the latest-to-be-declared-essential piece of molded plastic gear; to keeping them from unshelving books at the library; to enforcing rest times; to staying one step ahead of them lest they get too hungry, tired or bored, any one of which produces the kind of checkout-line screaming that gets the checkout line shaking its head.

It's needing 45 minutes to do what takes others 15.

It's constant vigilance, constant touch, constant use of your voice, constant relegation of your needs to the second tier.

It's constant scrutiny and second-guessing from family and friends, well-meaning and otherwise. It's resisting constant temptation to seek short-term relief at everyone's long-term expense.

It's doing all this while concurrently teaching virtually everything -- language, manners, safety, resourcefulness, discipline, curiosity, creativity. Empathy. Everything.

It's also a choice, yes. And a joy. But if you spent all day, every day, with this brand of joy, and then, when you got your first 10 minutes to yourself, wanted to be alone with your thoughts instead of calling a good friend, a good friend wouldn't judge you, complain about you to mutual friends, or marvel how much more productively she uses her time. Either make a sincere effort to understand or keep your snit to yourself.

Write to Tell Me About It, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, ortellme@washpost.com.

Boogie and the Big City (and other thoughts)

2010-09-22T09:30:00.005-05:00

It is a delightfully rainy morning in Lubbock. Boogie is with her friends and Parent's Day Out and I'm settled in a comfortable chair at Starbucks enjoying a grande non-fat white mocha (no whip-thanks to Snit for turning me on to this drink) and a bowl of oatmeal. I have lunch plans with some women I met at church. It should be fun, and I am ready to meet people.

We took Boog on a week of vacation. First we took her to her Pawpaw's house in Palestine for 3 days. Then we went on down to Houston for 4 days. It was such fun showing her off to everyone at home. The Bellz were regrettably absent for some of that time, but let us use their empty house, complete with nursery, swing, crib, changing table and privacy! I did get to give Miss Mag some hugs and kisses before she went off to Dallas. We're hoping that she and Aunty Lu will be able to visit us in Lubbock next month.

We got to have lunch (El Meson! The stuffed dates we ate are worth a post of their own. They are on the tapas menu. ORDER THEM) with David & Sara before they took off to tour college destinations with their daughter. We visited with cousin John and friend Jake at Lupe Tortilla. We bothered/harassed Dr. Farnie and Dr. Yetman in Pedi clinic. We walked around the Galleria (and bought nothing but a coffee!). We played bridge. We had breakfast with Whitney and Tiffany (breakfast tacos from La Mexicana! Made me miss working at the Beacon...). We spent an afternoon with Aaron & Kelly (lunch at Escalante's, shops at Meyerland), and bought Boogie some Fall/Winter clothes at Old Navy. We went home to church at SWC where Boog promptly threw a fit and wanted to eat but was then content to be passed around and loved on by our family there. We left immediately after church and hit the road, making it to San Angelo in 6 hours for dinner with Jeremy's mom (only making one stop in Llano to feed). After dinner we drove 3 more hours home. Baby cakes did so good in her seat for such a long time. We all slept like rocks and are glad to be back in our house.

Postpartum issues seem to be waning for the time being. Or, at least I feel as if they are. I'm still way too tense and unnecessarily hard on my husband. My point of view seems so clear when I'm trying to communicate with him, but then gets muddled and I am unable to verbalize what my point is...which results in petty arguments that often end with me in tears. I've started going back to meetings. As far as OA is concerned, I'm starting over I guess. I'm taking better advantage of the tools this time and some of the women in my group have offered sympathy and support that was unexpected yet needed, and full of grace. Jeremy never looses patience and always seeks to calm the situation. I'm thankful for him, even if I show it poorly.

Musically I've been playing records lately. About this time last year my mother-in-law gave me a record player that is in excellent condition. The speakers work fantastically and even the needle is in good shape. On heavy rotation is Blood, Sweat & Tears, Carol King, Pink Floyd and The Beatles. I've got a few other LPs that I only enjoy one or two songs from. I'm kind of selective about the LPs I buy, seeking mostly things that were in my Father's collection that I remember. One day, during a particularly harsh round of "I'm feeling crappy because I'm blind," my dad gave a lot of his records away. I don't know who he gave them to or where they went, but DAMN! I wish I had been into it then. So, I'm having a bit of fun piecing his collection together from what I remember, and adding some things I like in there too. We've got a cool joint here in LBB called Ralph's. They've got a lot of vinyl.

Reading is going okay. I'm re-reading Life of Pi (I hear there's going to be a movie? How? That book is too existential for film). I'm keeping up with my New Yorker subscription, and recently read an interesting article about the NIH and the head of the stem cell research department being a Christian. It was good. Here's the link. (For some reason it won't underline. Mouse over and click "here's the link." Hee). I'm still reading Pride, Prejudice and Zombies. I'm reading my OA literature and even found a copy of the Big Book for Kindle. I've had two recommendations for Anne Lamott, so that may be next up (thx, Whit and K).

Crafts are going strong right now. Some friends here in Lubbock have decided to put together a networking/craft fair once a month until Christmas. I sold some of my cards! Made 12 whole dollars! HA! But, lots of people took my business card and that is encouraging. I was not at this one due to being in Houston, but thank Crystal and Rachel for setting up and working my table. The next event is in October, and I have two in November. Still working on a logo for my Etsy store, but it is time to get that up. Need to figure out how to take some good photos of the cards. I installed Photoshop Elements for Mac, but it doesn't seem to be working properly. I really want to use it to edit and crop photos. I still need to get shelving and pegboard hung in the basement (where the crafts are) so I'm not working in a giant mess, but it is coming along. I'm also trying to crochet some hats for Snit to use for a project of hers.

So, that's all for now. I'm glad fall TV is on. I'm watching Project Runway, Glee, NCIS, NCIS LA, and a new show on HBO called Boardwalk Empire (set in Atlantic city in the 30's...Monopoly anyone? And starring Steve Buschemi. Yes, please), and two shows on Sci-Fi-Warehouse 13 and Eureka.

Coming Up for Air

2010-08-31T10:33:00.002-05:00

Being a new mother can be so confusing sometimes. Eleanor is a very good baby. She has such a healthy appetite, she's sleeping well at night (sometimes up to 7 hours!) and she's beginning to respond to our voices and other stimuli. Her laughter is the most precious sound--I always laugh when she does and try to make her laugh when she isn't. Her two-month birthday was last week, and her next doctor's appointment is next week. It will be time for shots. We'll have the baby Tylenol on hand!

She still seems to be having trouble with gas and spit-up. This is where some of my confusion begins. I can't tell if it is gas or if she is having reflux problems. After eating, she will fuss for 10 or 15 minutes until she either gives a huge burp or spit-up. It is hard to distinguish--all I can tell is that she is uncomfortable. The situation usually resolves itself, yet it is extremely taxing on me because I feel as if I should be doing something more for her.

She quite enjoys the swing and bouncy chair right now. This is another confusing thing for me--I feel as if I should be holding her more and playing with her more. When I put her in the chair or swing, I have a needling guilty feeling that I am dumping her in a contraption so I can "get things done" (which really aren't that pressing and don't need to be done right away). Occasionally I'll wear her in the Baby Bjorn while folding laundry or doing things around the house. She likes that okay. I also have some overwhelming feelings of guilt about the car seat! Of all things! We've taken two small road trips to Dallas and I felt like she really didn't want to be in the seat. Obviously that is not an option for car trips, so she was just strapped to another mass of plastic and metal while I carried on with what I thought was important at the time.

Every emotion that I have seems to be amplified and they spill out as anger at everyone but Eleanor. I have a lot of help! Logically I know that I am not doing everything by myself. This is a fact. Yet at the end of the day or the beginning of the next day, I feel overwhelmed and anxious about "doing everything myself." I already want to look into Mother's Day Out programs so that Eleanor and I are not hanging around the house all day or making eight thousand trips to Target/Mall/Wal-Mart/Grocery Store every week (and spending money that is not in the budget). I did get to a swimming aerobics class last week and that was nice. I've also been able to get a lot of the basement set up for crafts. But here again, I feel awful putting her in the bouncy chair just so I can make some cards and scrap (which is nuts. She likes the chair! She sits right next to me! We talk and sing! She doesn't need to be in my lap 24/7!). Let's not get started on sleep issues. I worry that she isn't getting enough, I worry that she's sleeping too much.

I am flat-out exhausted, and to be honest, most of it is my doing. I'm wound up so tight--I feel like a can of soda that has been shaken up and is ready to blow. This semi-confessional feels so good. Sort of like I am giving a voice to things I don't want to explain, but the act of voicing it is so cathartic. I STILL have not been back to a meeting and I need it so desperately. Child care has been the issue. I'm sure she could come with me, yet I get nervous that she might have a break-down in the middle of the meeting . I've always been very protective of meeting times--I need to be there, it is not an option. I must share, I must do the reading. So, bringing Eleanor into that dynamic will change it, and that in itself makes me nervous.

I'm still searching for my centering spirit as a mom. I'm working toward taking myself down a notch and learning how to relax again. The world is not going to end because my dishes aren't done or shirts don't get picked up from the cleaners. I'm thankful for supportive friends and the love of my husband (who, I'm sure, has wanted to strangle me more than once in the last two months). I'm not ruining her. I'm not turning her into a derelict by using her swing or bouncy chair. She isn't falling into infant depression. She's gaining weight and feeling happy. Everything is okay. Deep breaths. Rest. Calm. Satan rebuked.

Time for lunch.

Always, Sometimes, Never

2010-08-30T21:32:00.002-05:00

Peer pressure is never wasted on me.

I Always:

Have my car radio set to a classic rock station.

Chew the inside of my cheek while reading.

Have a coffee or tea in the morning.

Look for bargains.

Endeavor to give good recommendations for music, reading and entertainment.

Flush public toilets with my foot.

Try to name the song and/or artist on the radio within the first 4 bars.

I Sometimes:

Fold the laundry.

Eat a spoon full of peanut butter.

Wish I could be on Jeopardy.

Wear Chuck Taylors every day of the week.

Don't answer my phone if I don't recognize the number.

I Never:

Eat applesauce.

Am 100% confident.

Use the shoulder as a turn lane. It is not a lane, people!

Drink enough water.

I Rarely:

Quit a book before finishing.

Cook meat (Jeremy cooks it).

Miss a chance to eat at my favorite restaurants.

Of Cabbages and Kings

2010-08-17T23:28:00.004-05:00

Hey. Welcome. Hello. Want some coffee? Okay. Here's a cup for you, and a cup for me. Here's what's been going on:

Eleanor is doing great. She is growing fast. Dr. Dalton weighed her last week, and she's 10 lbs! She is taking Zantac to combat some reflux. It is a very mild and safe medication. Eleanor was fussing for 30-45 minutes after eating and was in obvious discomfort. We thought it to be gas for a while, but Dr. Dalton said we should consider the Zantac. It is working so far, though it doesn't reduce the actual amount of spit up! Man, that spit up can be so visually misleading...I was certain she was spitting out half of her bottle, but both Jeremy and Dr. D assured me she is not because she is steadily gaining weight. Her newborn clothes don't fit her anymore, and she has moved up to size 1 diapers.

There aren't many things she dislikes. She doesn't like her meals to be late and she definitely doesn't like to have her nose suctioned out (I wouldn't either). She loves to be swaddled tightly and to watch the ceiling fan or make faces with Momma and Dad. We sing some songs throughout the day...Jesus Loves Me, This Little Light of Mine, The ABC's, You Are My Sunshine...I don't know if she likes it or not, but I do! I've also started singing her the hymns my mother sang to me...There's Just Something About That Name, This Is My Story, I Will Sing the Wondrous Story (which I used to call crystal sea. "Sing the crystal sea, Momma." She doesn't mind the car seat, but doesn't love it either.

Eleanor and I braved a trip to Dallas by ourselves. We made it each way with only 2 stops, but it was close each time. Toward the end of each way, she made a huge racked and told me in no uncertain terms that it was time to get out of the car and eat and stretch. It was a bit ambitious of me to do that without Jeremy. It went off without incident, but I am still exhausted. Bit off a little too much there.

I'll post a few pictures. They are from my phone, and some are so old they're from the hospital, but it is still fun to share. Houstonians, we're coming your way in September...the second or third weekend (I'm not certain at this moment).

________________________________

Personally, I am missing out on my devotion time and study in the word. My prayers have changed and focus so much on Eleanor now. I need some personal growth or at least research in the word. I have been invited to join a transformation group with two other women from church. These groups are different from our small groups, in that they are only 3 people (of the same gender) and often include daily meditations on specific passages and weekly meetings together for prayer and discussion. I am also going to go back to OA meetings. I need that accountability desperately right now. I'm on edge a lot and long to feel the calming influence that particular group of individuals provides.

So, as Jeremy is at work tonight and Eleanor is snoozing in her crib in her room, I will sign off to cuddle with the somewhat deprived dogs for a few moments before drifting off myself. See you at 3 or 4 am for formula and a clean diaper.

It just may be a lunatic you're looking for.

2010-07-29T23:30:00.002-05:00

Ugh. I'm going nuts. Eleanor is such a good baby. She doesn't really fuss or scream for no reason. She is only waking up twice per night. Yet, when she wakes at night, she eats and wants to be awake. I detest trying to wake her up during the day-it feels so cruel. We use cold rags, undress her, give her baths-but she bonks right back out to sleep. At night, we feed her, change her, and put her right back in the crib. No cuddling, no singing or rocking and we keep the lights and sound to a minimum, hoping that she'll catch the drift that this is the time to sleep! She's getting better. She will lay in the crib and be awake and is sometimes putting herself back to sleep. We're making progress, and this is good.

However, it is taking a toll on me. Jeremy is so patient and calm. I get too excited over small things and I'm having a hard time relaxing. Even when I "sleep" I don't feel as if I'm sleeping. My mind seems to be racing in twenty directions at once. And only some of it has to do with Eleanor...it seems as if all of a sudden all the things that need to get done in my life have come to the front of my mind. Jeremy shares the nighttime feeding responsibilities with me, so it isn't as if I'm doing things alone. My nesting instincts didn't kick in until she was born. I'm not kidding...I sit down to take a breather and my legs literally ache. And it isn't as if I'm doing exercises or anything. And yet I feel the need to get up and keep doing things-to keep moving so I don't forget anything.

Tonight I took a piece of hard cheese out of the refrigerator to grate it on some red potatoes. I sat it down, went to do something else, then couldn't find where I had put it. It was sitting right next to the bowl in which it was to be grated, but I spent 5 minutes stomping around the kitchen trying to find it! Yesterday I got a frozen packet of vegetables out of the freezer, and put it back in the freezer and couldn't find it to cook it! Blech. Normally, I am somewhat scatterbrained anyway, and these added moments are making me feel bonkers.

___________________________________________________________

In other news: we have a new vehicle! We had been chatting about finding a larger car for me sometime in the coming years, paying cash for it and all that. Jeremy got an email from the local Toyota dealer about a used Lexus RX300 SUV that had come to their lot. We thought we'd go and see it, since Jeremy had recently read an article from Consumer Reports that said this particular SUV was an excellent used vehicle and quite reliable. We test drove it, and I liked it immediately. I was really keen on keeping my VW as long as possible, thinking that it wouldn't be a big deal with the baby. However, I found myself wishing there was more room.

We decided to see what the dealer would offer us if we traded in the Passat and paid cash for the rest. Well, we were able to make a deal that suited our budget!!! We got an excellent trade price for the VW and were able to pay the remainder in cash, talking the dealer down a couple of thousand dollars. The SUV is 9 years old, and has 100,000 miles on it, but runs beautifully. We are stocking away funds for repairs should the need arise (instead of looking for an after market warranty-it seems that only insurance companies benefit from those). The car is silver in color and has black leather interior. We are glad this opportunity came our way and we were glad to do it without financing. I was kind of sad to see my VW go-it was the first car I drove that was totally mine. She was good to me and we have a lot of memories together! Jeremy and I were both of the opinion that she was on her last legs...she literally rumbled when we started her up. Ah well. She'll get an overhaul and someone else will enjoy her for a while.

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Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Send your counselor to comfort me. Fill me with rest and turn my face to you.

You Are My Sunshine (and other news)

2010-07-19T17:46:00.002-05:00

Eleanor is here. Most of you already know this. She's doing wonderfully and growing fast. Had her two week check-up last week and she is back up in her weight. She lost a lot of weight between birth and coming home, so we are thankful it has come back on. Here's a bit of the birth story.

We checked into the hospital on Monday evening, June 28. I was administered cervadil to soften my uterus and get things moving. We spent a relatively restless night. At 7:00 a.m. on Tuesday the 29th, the staff began prepping me for labor. Dr. Owen broke my water, I was administered pitocin and an epidural. These all went very smoothly and were relatively painless (there is a bit of discomfort, but nothing with which I couldn't deal). About 3 hours into labor, Eleanor's heart rate began dropping during random contractions. And by dropping, I mean down into the 50s. Each time it happened a horde of nurses would come running in and try to move me around so it would stop. I was pretty doped up from the waist down, so they were moving me around like a puppet. Eleanor's heart rate refused to cooperate, and the medical staff was unable to determine what was causing the drop--we didn't know if she had the cord around her body or neck or if she was simply grabbing it. So, Dr. Owen showed back up and explained that a c-section would be the best course of action and the safest. We didn't have any expectations going in to the hospital scene, so we remained flexible and I believe this was the best thing for us to have done. So, 20 minutes later, Eleanor was born via c-section.

The procedure itself was interesting...I still couldn't feel much but I knew things were going on...and the drugs were outta sight. When I was being "put back together" it felt as if they were pulling me up by my toenails! That part was soooooo awkward. I saw babycakes, kissed her, and was whisked away to recovery where I rested for an hour or so. Eleanor was cleaned up and bathed and brought to me in our room where I nursed her and Jeremy and I wept and prayed and generally felt so wonderful that she was finally here. We stayed in the hospital until Friday. I dealt with some grody after pains and other things, but they were minor.

We arrived home on Friday. I was glad to be in my home again, but a bit apprehensive about being away from the hospital staff. Right away Eleanor began having trouble nursing. (MEN: if you don't want to know, don't keep reading). 7 years ago I had breast reduction surgery. We always knew that nursing might be a problem for me. Eleanor was latching on so well at the hospital, but once my milk came in, she was largely disinterested and fought me the entire time. After two more visits with the lactation consultant and two weeks of a so-so nursing experience, we decided to let it go. Eleanor got all of my good colostrum in the hospital, and I still pump 3 times a day to give her what I can from me. My production simply isn't enough or fast enough to satisfy her, and I hated the struggle with her. Things calmed down a whole lot after this decision.

Eleanor seems to be pretty good-natured. She is eating every 2 1/2-3 hours, sometimes with a 4 hour stretch during the night. Her most active hours seem to be between 9p-3a! Kid has her days and nights switched around. She doesn't fuss a lot, except when it's time to eat, and then she'll settle down, but not necessarily sleep. She wants to be held and talked to and will fall back asleep when she darn well pleases! She is responding to our voices and stares at Jeremy with all the devotion a daughter has for her dad. We had our first major diaper blow-out last night, and it was much more fun to laugh about it than to be disgusted (but make no mistake, it was nasty). We're liking the Baby Bjorn for carrying purposes, and I have a Maya Wrap on order on it's way to me. My prayer life has taken off like a rocket since she was born. For the first time it really isn't about me anymore. This is a refreshing change.

We love having her here. There are a lot of pictures available on Facebook through both my page and Jeremy's. We're planning trips to Houston and Illinois and Dallas in the coming months. The dogs are taking it as well as can be expected.

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Other news: I seldom ask for prayers for things on the blog, but today I am doing so. Jeremy and I have a friend who is deploying to Afghanistan on the 23rd. Though I have gotten many reassurances from him and Jeremy, I fear for his safety. This guy is like a brother to me, and I can do little to squelch my fear. It is essentially fear of the unknown, because I do not know exactly what is going on, and I do not like to think about war. Even now as I write, I am weeping because I do not know what to expect. This time it is simply too personal. I pray for his wife, his children, his family. Lord, bring him home.

How Do You Measure The Beginning?

2010-05-19T14:26:00.004-05:00

Outside of church songs, the earliest musical memories I have contain The Doors. I can clearly picture my father standing in front of his stereo cabinet putting on LA Woman and specifically the track "Riders On The Storm." It remained his favorite Doors tune for many years, though he never missed a chance to extol the virtues (Wha...?) of good Rock and Roll through the Doors. In his later years, he lamented that it was all about drugs and poor lifestyle choices, but he didn't miss a chance to turn on the Doors on a Saturday morning while we were searching for garage sales.

So, I will begin this Listening Project at what is most probably my beginning, The Doors. If one wants to understand the virtue of modern poetry (though modern can be a relative term here, since The Doors as a group are 40 years old), The Doors are a good place to investigate. Exhibit A: "People Are Strange" from the album Strange Days 1967. Although meant to have a creeping sense, I feel that only through the lyrics. In the actual instrumentation, I feel more of the ragtime piano/harpsichord elements. Almost as if you could see two vaudeville actors tromping up and down an ancient wooden stage--almost a speakeasy sort of thing. Jim seems to have a thing for rain, as we see the lyric "When you're strange, faces come out in the rain..." Though vaguely suggestive of vulnerability, I believe it simply speaks to outsiders in general.

An interesting side note about The Doors, they had no bass player. I'm not running around the internet trying to check my facts here, but I believe they didn't even use a bass. They relied more heavily on keyboards (thanks, Ray Manzarek) and I believe it paid off in setting them apart from a lot of the LA musicians at the time.

"Riders On The Storm" is an amazing piece of music. Jim touches on the uncertainty of human experience, giving the listener the feeling that we are simply tossed about by the waves of life and are subject to whatever may come along. Major themes such as love, desperation and understanding all seep through the tripping fingers of the musicality. I'd be hard pressed to come up with a finer exhibition of American 60s rock and roll (though actually recorded in '71). Though they leave you with no crumb of hope, a certain sense of satisfaction can be found in the song. It doesn't leave one in the mire as "People Are Strange" might. The actual composition is brilliant because it leads the listener through the storm, as if you were swimming toward a destination, but not really getting anywhere. Manzarek's Fender-Rhodes jazz organ is particularly prominent in creating the raindrop effect. Though no one could imagine the song without the thunder and rain sound effects, I think they don't necessarily have to be there, though they certainly add to the overall theme. The descending scale toward the end of the middle section (marker 2:47) is so serene that they could have ended the song there.

I leave with a few notes on "Light My Fire" (single, 1967). Manzarek's organ and Robby Krieger's lead guitar are so in sync that I don't care that the song is 7:02 long. Though I'm not on an acid trip watching unreal beings climb the walls, I get the sense of what this song would bring to that experience. I'm skipping on the whole Ed Sullivan debacle (you can look that up on your own). I'm not a fan of the censor, so I'll leave it at that. Morrison's vocals are seldom better-he sounds as if his throat is lined with velvet. The lyrics are simplistic but loaded with innuendo. I'm certain this is my favorite Doors song.

Perhaps this is the best place for beginnings? To go through The Doors.

(The Whisky, in L.A., where The Doors where the house band back in the day)

As It Is Written

2010-05-11T17:01:00.003-05:00

Couldn't let a Tuesday slip by without a post. Why Tuesdays? For the time being it just feels right. I'm holed up at Starbucks, enjoying a promotion half-priced frappuccino and free wi-fi, courtesy of my gold card. It's a membership card. I paid $25 for it, and I get 10% of all purchases (merch, too) and lots of coupons for stuff I purchase. It's been a nice way to get out of my regular routine and people watch. Except I'm blogging right now instead.

I've had an idea festering for several years now. I want to write. I want to write about music. I consider myself a fairly well-spoken person with a wide vocabulary. Yet I find the writing process daunting. My control side wants to "follow the rules" and set up a skeleton for what I want to write and make it cohesive and correct the first time out. And, as the daughter of two writers, I know this is impossible. Even in a blog, where most writing is stream-of-consciousness, I always find things to tweak, trim and work to be more concise. I want the material to sound conversational to the ear, but in actuality to be grammatically correct and free of extraneous verbage. For instance, I heartily dislike some words that creep into conversational vocabulary that have no place there or make the sentence awkward. Such as "I just really love this song." Do you "just" love it, or do you love it? "This is just crazy." Is it "just" crazy, or is it actually crazy? One could also go on (ad nauseum) about the overuse of the word "like." Throw in my personal overuse of commas, illustrations that prove no point, saying something without actually saying anything, and it makes me wonder how books ever get written in the first place.

Then there is the topic. Music is a broad subject. I would like my composition (in whatever form it takes...) to read like a commentary on the most excellent mix-tape you never knew existed. But mix-tapes are tricky. Rob Gordon says this (character from Nick Hornby's book and film, High Fidelity) "The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don't wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules." See what I mean? It seems there are a ton of decisions to make before even getting started. How do I categorize? Should I categorize at all? How much history of the song should be included? For those unfamiliar with the songs, should I include lyrics? Would that run me into copyright problems?

And finally, there is a slight problem with self esteem. Who would want to read what I write? But this seems almost too analytical. Did Tennyson sit around and wonder if anyone would like his poems? Did the author of Beowulf consider whether or not 12th grade English Lit students would actually connect with Grendel? Does John Grisham wonder if law students think he is a hack? I think not. They wrote/write because it is in them. Regardless of process, uncaring of criticism, they put pen to paper. I suppose the best course of action at this point is to crack open a fresh notebook and let it flow. I can sort out the details later.

Give Love.

I'm Your Huckleberry

2010-05-04T17:31:00.002-05:00

It's Tuesday again. I'm listening to Amy Grant songs from my iTunes library. Right now the song "Sing Your Praise to the Lord" is playing. I once heard Rich Mullins tell a story that when he and Grant and producer Brown Banister wrote the song together, Amy butchered the recording. I have both his and Amy's version, and I like them equally. My relationship with Amy relies heavily on nostalgia, yet some of her songs are heavy themes in my own life. Without a doubt I consider "Lead Me On" to be her best song (CCM has rated it the number one Christian pop song of all time...but whatever...) and I consider "Lead Me On" to be her best album. It is my song-I listened to it every day during my internship in New York. Sometimes I think that is all we can do--to say Lord, lead me on. Take my hand and lead me through the mist. Wipe the mud from my eyes so I can see. Lead me on to a place where the river runs into your keeping.

I watched Tombstone on Sunday evening. I have to say, it isn't the best movie ever. Kurt Russell is pretty excellent as Wyatt Earp, and I like the fellow that plays Virgil Earp (Sam Elliot-his voice is so fantastic and gravelly--these days I hear him doing Coors and Dodge commercials). I don't really like Dana Delaney, Bill Paxton makes my teeth itch (as Morgan Earp), and I supposed they made the best of the story with the facts that we do know (historically speaking). But friends, it is hands down Val Kilmer's finest performance. I like it even more than his portrayal of Jim Morrison in Oliver Stone's The Doors. Kilmer transforms himself into Doc Holliday. And yes, this is what actors do, but his transformation is so complete...I simply can't imagine anyone else in that role. Wikipedia Film School says that Christopher Walken was considered for the role. I can't see that. Can't. See. It. Val's accent, his carriage, the delivery and timing...it's all just right. His dialogue is endlessly quotable. The "I'm your huckleberry" was something that Holliday reportedly actually said. Val's portrayal led me to read a biography of Doc Holliday several years ago. It was quite interesting. He was a dentist. Had a love affair with his first cousin, who wound up going into the convent, thus ushering in Doc's rebellious lifestyle of gambling and other tawdry endeavors. He died at age 36 of TB. There is actually no evidence that Earp was present at his death (as shown in the film). Doc is such a fascinating historical figure. I might be developing a thing for Westerns.

Westerns are fun to me now, but I used to hate that stuff. I grew up in Guthrie, OK. Guthrie was established on the morning of the 1889 land run, and was the first capital of Oklahoma. Downtown Guthrie is an almost perfectly preserved turn of the century town. Much of the original architecture still stands and is preserved as historical landmarks. So, much of Guthrie's industry is entertainment based on the 1890s--bed and breakfasts, antiques, the annual 89er celebration (parade, carnival, chuck wagon feed, etc.), Territorial Christmas stuff. They actually elect a Territorial mayor at Christmas. All the downtown shops have live window displays. Kids dress up as paperboys (I did this, complete with knickers and suspenders) and peanut vendors. So, after 20 years of that, I got sick of it. Now I think it is kind of neat. There is a lot of history there, and I was lucky to grow up there. Silent film star Tom Mix was a bartender at the Blue Bell saloon for a time, which is still there. Funny enough, Mix was a pallbearer at Wyatt Earp's funeral. Several films have been made in Guthrie, including scenes from Rain Man, Twister, Eight Seconds, and some television shows.

I have nothing else to write at this moment. Baby is fine, moving a lot. I'm having dental work done next week to repair a bad tooth.

Give Love.

Thoughts

2010-04-27T11:45:00.002-05:00

It's Tuesday. I'm listening to Al Denson (it's ancient Jesus grooves), thinking about addiction, recovery and how much I miss going to OA meetings. I haven't been to one since I became pregnant. At first, it was because I was sick all the time. That has mostly passed and I'm dealing with simple discomfort of growth and lack of energy. I've emailed with my sponsor a few times. She's so wise. What I need to du is put a pen in my hand and a blank sheet of paper in front of my face and JOURNAL. That dumping of thoughts always feels so good. I can't say why I haven't been to a meeting in so long. I simply haven't. I've been in "management" mode. Although I had to modify some of what my abstinence entails, I still strive each day to make this 24 hour period count and rely on my higher power to give me strength and give Him control. I want to obey the voice that knows my heart.

I'm thinking a little bit about loss, too. I miss my parents. I want them to be here to meet Eleanor. Some days it is difficult to keep the tears back. But, I do not live in despair. She will know them through me and Jeremy. They would be so happy. Grieving is such a subjective process. I hate that. I prefer it to be black or white, because the greys seem so thick, like murky water you can't quite wade through. Sometimes it's good to stop and think "What am I learning here?" and sometimes you get stuck in the mud. I'm thankful for the relationship with my brothers and my step-mother. And, if I'm thinking more clearly, I have an abundance of family still present on this earth with whom we will share the joy of this child. Family not just of flesh and blood, but those who are close to our hearts through the bonds of friendship. And that, dear reader, is healing salve. I live in the possibilities.

I have posted a new link in the sidebar to Drew Carey's blog (yes, that Drew Carey). He offered a unique take on a passage out of Matthew from the Sermon on the Mount about giving. Beware, it is adult language oriented sometimes, but nothing too off-putting. His writing is quite good.

PSA: I am sick and tired of hearing about the government. Get on with your life, USA! Quit expecting the government to run your life for you. Give some respect to your leaders. It is okay to disagree. It is okay to give your opinion a voice. Fight for what you believe. Be an activist for what you think is important. Don't forget to live in the in-between time! Eat pizza. Laugh with your kids. Play in the park. Pet your dogs. Talk to strangers in line at the grocery store. Hug a friend. We are NOT living in an age of gloom and doom. Be responsible for yourself and your actions.

I heard an interesting bit on All Things Considered yesterday, about the possibilities of an Israeli/Palestinian state. This particular commentator stated that there was a possibility of making an apartheid state, or a unified state. As you may guess, he was in favor of a unified state, seeing as how they already have a unified currency, unified economic systems, and share most parts of the actual land. I didn't understand everything he was saying, but listened intently. Now that I think about it, this paragraph is like saying "I have nothing to say, but I'm saying something" I guess. I found it somewhat interesting. I learn a lot on NPR.

It's almost time for lunch. I have a couple of hot pockets calling my name. Then I will swim and pick up Jeremy's shirts from the cleaners. Tonight is NCIS (yay Gibbs!). I've been watching the NCIS: Los Angeles, and it is okay...and I'll take any excuse to gaze upon LL Cool J. Seriously. Chris O'Donnell is still D'Artangnan to me, from the 3 Musketeers remake. Speaking of that remake, where has Oliver Platt been all my life? He's hilarious. He was Porthos in Musketeers. He had a short-lived series called Deadline done by Dick Wolf of Law and Order fame, in which he was a reporter for the fake "New York Ledger" which is used on L&O all the time. Bebe Neuwirth was in it too. He's the perfect blend of snark and dork. Hm.

Give Love.

Favorite Things Friday (Now on Friday!)

2010-04-23T21:25:00.007-05:00

I thought of some more summertime favorites to add, so this is a continuation of Wednesday's post.

Baseball

I really like baseball! Most know that I am a fan of the St. Louis Cardinals (home to such greats as Bob Gibson, Ozzie Smith, Willie McGee and Albert Pujols). This is due to where my parents were

raised in Southern Illinois. However, I do enjoy the Astros on occasion (although they are having a rough start to this season), and I always liked going to see my brothers play and to the occasional Rangers game when I lived in Dallas. Several things are essential to enjoying a game for me: a hot dog with mustard, perhaps a cold Bud-Light, peanuts and/or sunflower seeds and good company.

Fruit

Why does fruit taste so much better in the summer? Perhaps it is because a lot of it is in season, but I think it has more to do with outdoor activities and the feeling of refreshment one gets from a nice piece of fruit. I must clarify-I do not prefer fruit in my desserts (apple pie and peach cobbler are the exceptions). Nor do I really like fruit salad with everything all mixed up together. I like all kinds of fruits, and prefer to eat a singular piece of fruit. Watermelon is an essential summertime favorite, as are peaches and apples and homegrown tomatoes. Lordy, is there anything better than a tomato straight off the vine? We bought one of those upside-down tomato plant hangers and are planting it for this summer.

Evenings

I love longer days. I love the act of sitting on the porch in the evening with a cool beverage and a citronella candle burning, watching my dogs play and visiting. I even enjoyed sitting out during evenings in Houston, when the weather tricks you and it doesn't really cool off. I don't mind. Garrison Keillor has an entire chapter in Lake Wobegone Days dedicated to the etiquette of porch behavior. He considers it an extension of the home, almost an extra room. It is only polite to come onto the porch if invited, but perfectly fine to holler out to those on the porch.

So, this about sums up the summertime favorites. Again, feel free to post your own. Next week I'm thinking of going with favorite technological advances. See you then.

Give Love.

Favorite Things Friday On Wednesday

2010-04-21T16:02:00.011-05:00

Chelsie and Jenny have rubbed off on me...I love reading the Favorite Things Friday, and, typical of my nature, once I get an idea in my head I don't like to wait to bring it to fruition. So, I will cut my self a break and have Favorite Things Friday on Wednesday. And, maybe do another one on Friday! I feel like celebrating and whooping in the yard because it is FINALLY WARM! So, we shall have my favorite summertime things. I am killing time before small group starts, so I will also include pictures (lucky you).

SWIMMING

I love being by the water, whether pool or beach. Lately I have been doing some water walking at the gym. No

thing stressful or high impact, simply walking some laps, stretching and a good amount of floating. I'm reminding myself that yes, my body will still move like I want it to. Also,it is keeping me somewhat limber for delivery (I hope). I think baby Eleanor enjoys it too. I was a lifeguard in high school for a summer, and taught Red Cross swim lessons. Seems that I was in a pool before I could walk! The combination of water and sun and just the right amount of wind and/or shade is an elixir for my soul. I used to joke that it was due to my horoscope sign too (Cancer Crab). In an other lifetime I could have been a beach bum.

OCEAN POTION PRODUCTS

Chelsie introduced me to these great products. I particularly love their 30 spf sunscreen which I used for an entire week in Gulf Shores, AL and didn't burn once, but got some nice golden rays. Also, I highly recommend their after sun lotion, which makes one feel nice and soft after a day at the pool or beach. I'm a sucker for most sunscreens because I love the smell of it--it reminds me of summer. And summer equals fun. Ocean Potion smells like a delightful blend of orange and creme, sort of like a Creamsicle. But don't eat it. (Available at Wal-Mart, Target, and most drugstores).

SUMMER SALADS

I just love summer salads. Especially cucumber salads. Well, cucumbers I love in general. Are they hard to grow? Anyway, my mom and Grandma Warfel used to prepare cucumbers in a vinegar and sweet-n-low mixture and add a bit of pepper and serve them as a side dish. I've adopted the habit and can eat an entire batch myself-which results in a lot of cucumbery burping. Possibilities with summer salads are endless! Tomatoes! Green Peppers! Garbanzo beans! Hearts of Palm! Carrots! Mix it all up and let it get friendly! I don't want it hot and soggy. I like these salads to be fresh and crispy. Summer Salad recommendations now accepted. (No Jello).

SANDALS

Not the resort, but actual footwear. Birkenstocks, Reefs, Old Navy flops, cutie things with jewels, pretty colors--I like sandals. I like sandals on men, women and children. Toes don't really gross me out (unless it's those disgusting commercials for fungal creams). I like having a pedicure (done by me or someone else, doesn't matter) and having my feet free of socks and heavy shoes. But please, take care of your heels. I can lump a pedicure product in here--it is the Ped Egg. It's awesome if you don't mind looking at your heel shavings when you clean it out. No one wants to look at yellowy cracked heels. Gak. I've been a fan of Reefs for year

s. I still have my first pair that I bought 10 years ago in Manhattan! They don't offer much support after 10 years, but I can't bring myself to throw them out. I have a newer pair that I wear now. Ped Egg available at most drugstores. Guess What? It's egg shaped.

And with that, I close this post. I want to know your favorite summertime things. Porgy and Bess does not count.

Give Love.

"Feelin' Satisfied"

2010-03-15T23:42:00.011-05:00

Although the title is a Boston song, it's a Billy Joel kind of evening for me. Did you ever want someone to sing "More Than A Woman" about you (ladies)? I did/do. It's one of those evenings when my tea cup isn't quite empty and the house is quiet and reflective thoughts seem to flow out of my pores. I love Billy Joel. MCTucker and I always like to belt out "Movin' Out (Anthony's Song)". Now, I read music, and had 12 years worth of piano lessons, but they seem pitiful when I hear Mr. Joel's playing. Even the sheet music I have for his songs has been dumbed down somewhat. I hope to see him live someday. He gave gLee permission to use any of his songs! I think there is one coming up in an episode before the season is over. I also think he'd be a terrific mentor on Idol. Anyone watching Idol? We are. My early favorite was one of the first males to go (Tyler, the wannabe Jim Morrison, but I can't help myself). Anyone else have early favorites? The dreadlocked gal seems really good, too. Despite his personal struggles, Joel really does it for me. And because I'm in a top five kind of mood, here are my top five Joel songs, in order:

1) Captain Jack

2) New York State of Mind

3) Movin' Out

4) And So it Goes

5) The Entertainer

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Photos from Boston

Legal Seafood. It was really good.

After a little side trip to Newbury comics to score some "Fables."

My smiling husband as we dined at Zaftig's Deli. An excellent suggestion by our Frommer's Guide.

There were buildings for Berklee all over Back Bay. I'm somewhat fascinated by this school. Wish I'd had the chops to attend somewhere like this. John Mayer attended.

Brookline Booksmith, also recommended by our Frommer's guide was a good bookstore. We enjoyed browsing for a while.

Jeremy thought this was funny.

Berklee was having their winter formal at our hotel.

The Old North Church of Paul Revere history.

Placard on church.

Mike's Pastry

Happy kids with a box of cannolis.

A view from our hotel room.

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iTunes has moved on to Simon & Garfunkle. Don't even get me started.

"More Than A Feeling..."

2010-03-12T23:38:00.002-06:00

We recently went to Boston. Jeremy was attending a Palliative Care conference and I got to go along. We'd never been to Boston before, and we found it a lovely city with lots to do. I do have pictures, so maybe I'll put some up in another post.

We rode the T, ate dinner in the North End (Boston's version of Little Italy) at a lovely teeny tiny place called Ponza, had cannolis at Mike's Bakery (a famous place. I had pistachio AND chocolate mousse), went to Newbury Comics, ate at two delicious Thai restaurants (what is it about vegetable curry? Especially red curry in coconut milk? It was burning my face off but I couldn't stop eating it! Delicious!), ran into Val Kilmer (I desperately wanted to ask him to be my Huckleberry or my Wingman, but resisted the temptation). Jeremy learned a lot and did a lot of networking. He is becoming more and more invested in Palliative medicine and how to care for those with life limiting illnesses. We shopped a bit (I have a crazy story about tea), and saw the Paul Revere house and the old North Church. We did not do the freedom trail due to my limited amounts of energy, but have decided to return someday and do that. It was neat to see the church and a real part of American History. I was jonesing for a side trip to Concord to see the Louisa May Alcott stuff and the other literary history, but that will be for another time.

We have moved into our new home. Jeremy's mom has been here for 3 days helping to unpack. We are once again hindered by my limited energy, but Jer has stayed positive and I'm doing what I can (the doc has limited my lifting/strenuous activity due to a low positioned placenta. We're hoping it has moved up, and will know at the next ultrasound on March 22. Otherwise, pregnancy is fine.).

There has been some vandalism at some of the other homes being constructed in our neighborhood. This saddens us, and we are keeping an eye out for things. All of the construction workers have been so pleasant and nice to us-I hate to see their work being destroyed and for them to have to start over.

We are driving to Houston in two weeks. Then my travels will be over until baby arrives. I am anticipating spring, although it does not arrive as soon in Lubbock as in Houston. I'm anxious to see the sun for more than two days in a row. Please Lord, no more snow.

This and That

2010-02-21T16:37:00.002-06:00

Pregnancy stuff-I'm feeling pretty good these days, with the occasional bout of upset stomach. Mostly, I am tired. But in a strange twist, I am not sleeping well. I wake up every 2-3 hours and stay awake for 15/20 minutes before falling back asleep. Nothing like baptism by fire to get you ready for your little girl. Yes, we are expecting a girl. Our (choc-full-o-nuts) specialist thought she saw boy parts at 10 weeks (?!?), but our highfalutin' ultrasound confirmed that it is indeed a girl. We have some names floating around. She will most likely have my initials, ESB. So far we like Eleanor and Ellis. Scout will be the middle name. Nursery is being decorated with Curious George and has been painted a light yellow. I'm in maternity clothes and currently enjoying fruit rollups or fruit leather. Registries will soon be completed at Target and Babies R Us.

Moving stuff-we close on our house on March 1. We will move on the 8th and 9th. There are photos of the house on Jeremy's facebook page. Our landlord had the renters back out on him, so we are hoping and praying for renters. We're confident some students will want to move in here.

Travel Stuff-We had an excellent visit to Houston last week. March 2-6 we are headed to Boston. Jeremy has a conference and I'm tagging along. I've never been that far East in the US, so it will be neat to see. Then it's back to Houston for the last weekend of March for a baby shower. Jenn is coming to visit in April.

Church Stuff-We have joined Raintree Christian Church. We are active in a small group. Last week we dissected the account of the woman with the alabaster flask. More people in our group identified with the pharisee in the account--seeing themselves as the one higher than the others, questioning this crazy woman who has crashed the party and is going all pentecostal on them in the middle of "civilized" company. I hadn't thought of that before. The teachings I received always seemed to focus on the woman. I still gravitate toward her. I have posted the lyrics to Jennifer Knapp's Hold Me Now before, so I'll refrain from doing so again, but give it a look sometime. It captures my feelings about the entire event.

We have also taken an extensive look at forgiveness. Today Brent preached about Jesus sharing the passover meal before his crucifixion, and the fact that he knew his betrayer was among them, and goes on with the meal anyway. Brent even went so far as to say that the gospel writer Mark is going out of his way to point it out--that Jesus first announces that his betrayer is among the 12, but goes right on with the blessing and the meal. I won't insult your intelligence by pointing out the obvious connection with our attendance at the communion table, but I will make this point that stood out to me so starkly-If you are willing to come to the table and accept the grace that is given there, you are obligated to share that same grace in return! We do not have to "have our act together" to come to the table. The grace is freely given so that we may do so in return.

Craft stuff and closing remarks-Been making a lot of cards lately. My friend CRA and I are participating in a craft fair at our church in April. I'm going to sell some cards, she makes jewelries. Etsy is farther and farther into my future. Someday, it may happen. I don't have a lot of motivation to blog regularly, so this is it for now. I'm reading about podcasting, and keeping up with my comic books. I'm also wishing for Spring to make a hasty entry. This cold is nuts.

What I'm Reading-Week of 1/4/10

2010-01-06T21:49:00.002-06:00

Mostly on a fiction kick right now (as usual). A couple are re-reads.

Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, Harper, 1997.

Little Altars Everywhere, Harper, 2005.

Ya-Yas in Bloom, Harper, 2006.

all authored by Rebecca Wells, all purchased through Amazon for Kindle.

It's hard to describe my fascination with these stories. They focus on a woman named Vivianne Walker and her daughter Siddalee. Vivi's life is molded by a series of events in her childhood and her relationship with 3 other women: Teensy, Necie and Caro. They form the Ya-Yas, born and raised in the heart of Louisiana in the 30s and 40s. The stories then proceed on the Vivi's daughter, Sidda, and the relationship between her and Vivi and how they tangled each other's lives and hearts up. These women are complicated and misunderstood, but often hilarious and heart wrenching. The reader hears stories from all who intersect in these womens' lives. I cry, I am uplifted, I learn about God, I learn what NOT to do...I WANT friends like the Ya-Yas. The movie done in 2002 was an okay representation of the books, but the books give so much more richness to the characters and situations, so much more detail. Make no doubt...they are for mature readers. The Ya-Yas have no shame (or in limited quantities) but their love and passion are fierce. Ya-Ya!

Fables (comic book series), Vertigo Press.

Fables is a comic book put out by Vertigo, the adult imprint from DC Comics. I read the trade paperbacks, which means there are 4-5 issues bound into volumes, not individual issues. Fables centers around characters from...you guessed it...fables, nursery rhymes, children's stories, etc. They have been banished from their stories (known as the homelands) by an as yet to me unknown villain known as The Adversary. They live underground in NYC in a place called Fabletown. Snow White is the deputy mayor and basically runs Fabletown. King Cole is the mayor, but mostly in title only. The Big Bad Wolf (known as Bigby) is the sheriff. The fables also have an off-site "farm" where non-humanoid fables live...like the 3 bears, the 3 little pigs, etc. It is sometimes funny, but mostly action packed as the fables live out their lives among the "mundys" (everyday mundane people). Everyone has shown up you'd expect...Boy Blue (Snow's secretary), Pinnocchio, Blue Beard, Prince Charming, Little Red Riding Hood. It is highly entertaining, but for GROWN UPS. Hear me now...DO NOT PURCHASE FABLES FOR YOUR UNDERAGED NIECES/NEPHEWS/WHATEVER. Adult situations ensue.

Deadpool Classic, Marvel Comics.

I first found out about Deadpool in the latest installment of X-Men films, Wolverine: Origins. I'm new to comics, and yes, the X-Men movies had a hand in dragging me in. I realize the movies deviate quite a bit from the comics, but I'm no purist on this front. I simply like the stories!! And, with X-Men, there are zillions of story lines and it would be impossible to get to the beginning. So, I started my X-Men reading with Deadpool Classics. It's a trade paperback collection of some of his earliest appearances in the X universe. He is a product of the Weapon X program, and has a lot of powers and abilities. But, he's also a wisecracker, commonly known as the "Merc with a Mouth." The comics are fairly witty and poke fun at comics in general. I hope Ryan Reynolds comes through with the Deadpool film, although he's slated to portray Green Hornet, another superhero, so I don't know. He is perfect casting for Deadpool in my opinion. He appears as Wade Wilson/Deadpool in Wolverine.

Pontoon, Garrison Keillor, Penguin, 2007.

It would take an entire blog to describe my beloved GK and why I love his writing. Pontoon is the full story to a short story told in Leaving Home. Set in his fictional hometown of Lake Wobegone, it is the tale of how a bunch of Lutheran ministers wound up sinking in Lake Wobegone Lake on a pontoon boat. I laugh and laugh and laugh at GK's stories. I swear Lake Wobegone is modeled on my own hometown. If you're going to get into the GK, I recommend starting with Lake Wobegone, and be sure to read the footnotes. They're every bit as hilarious as the actual story. I was disappointed when I found out it wasn't a real place.

What I'm Reading

2009-12-20T16:56:00.002-06:00

I took a page from KCP's blog and wanted to write again about reading. Not my philosophy of how the written word changes me and how I love books and all that (about which I've blogged ad nauseum)...but about some stuff I want to read or have recently read and to take recommendations. Physical activity isn't high on my list right now, and I'm so flipping tired and disgusted with television, so I'd rather read. I have yet to get a library card in Lubbock. I nearly always carry one, so I have to do that. I also have an Amazon Kindle, and like to download books to it when I have the pocket money to do so. K, forgive me if I do not enter a proper bibliographic note. I love that you do that.

FICTION

The Complete Adventures of Sherlock Holmes-Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Kindle (free). I have always liked Holmes. I was introduced to him in high school when we watched the film "Young Sherlock Holmes" in Freshman English. It's a good little movie, I like to re-watch it once in a while, though liberties are taken of what Holmes fans generally know of Holmes and Watson's introduction to one another. I also like all the different avenues that have been taken in portraits of Holmes and his story lines. The series began as a magazine article, and took off into the collection of short stories. I began reading them again this summer, and have taken my time floating through the stories. I'm excited for the new film with Robert Downy, Jr. on Christmas Day. (Also fun tidbid: Dr. Gregory House is based on Holmes. His colleage, Dr. Wilson, is based on Watson. House's apartment number is 223B!)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows-J.K. Rowling, Scholastic, 2008. I love Harry Potter. I love Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, Fred & George, Seamus Finnigan, Neville Longbottom, Luna Lovegood, Hagrid--all of them. I wish in my heart of hearts that it was real. I love fantasy and I love the idea of magic. We recently purchased the blu-ray of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, so I want to re-read Deathly Hallows and refresh some details of the end of the saga. Overall, I've been satisfied with the films, but I get a lot more from the books.

Fiction waiting to be read:

The Gun Seller-by Hugh Laurie. Yes, MGB, I am going to read it soon, and will send it back via USPS when finished.

Nursery Crimes Series-Jasper Fforde. I have read the entire Thursday Next series, and want to read this companion series. Mostly I wish there were more Thursday Next books. I support Toast.

NON FICTION

Not reading any non-fiction at present, spiritual or otherwise. This is not good. I have a couple that I wish to read:

American On Purpose-Craig Ferguson. It is his autobiography. I'm a big fan of Craig, and his story of growing up in Glasgow and becoming an American citizen is fascinating. He talks some about it on his show (The Late Late Show on CBS). He has been a recovering alcoholic and sober for 17 years.

Motherless Daughters-Hope Edelman. A well-meaning gift to me some years ago, I wasn't ready to read it. Now I feel able to do so. As I reach the 16th anniversary of my mother's death this week, I'm amazed that she has been gone as long as I had her in my life. I am not afraid to explore this loss and its effects (affects? I never know this rule...) in greater detail. Just don't get me on dads and daughters yet.

The other non-fiction I would like to read is not title specific, but some areas of interest I want to investigate through books are:

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (biographical)

the topic of meekness

issues in Biblical interpretation

anything about American History from the 60s and 70s (side note-I do posess a book titled The Portable Sixties Reader and it is interesting, containing bits about civil rights, the anti-Vientam war movement, free speech, counterculture, drugs, the beats, black consciousness, the women's movement, sexual revolution and environmentalism. Each heading has writings from many authors of the day including Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Allen Ginsberg, Sylvia Plath, Willam S. Burroughs, Timothy Leary, Norman Mailer, Rosa Parks, Eudora Welty, and many others. Although I do not prescribe to any one train of thought, these are fascinating to read. It was put out by Penguin, 2003. I bought my copy at Barnes & Noble).

I also like funny commentary, stuff like Dave Barry

So, recommend away. Thanks, K, for always being an inspiration!

And Then There Were Three

2009-12-15T13:47:00.002-06:00

I am having a baby! As of today, I am 10 weeks and 1 day. Unfortunately, I have been sick most of this time. I'm talking SICK-worst I've ever felt in my life. Nothing, absolutely nothing worked. I've gotten tips and advice from just about everyone I know, and nothing helped. I did get dehydrated and have a little trip to the ER for fluids, but that's the worst it got. A lot of the nausea has gone away, and now I'm dealing with a few other unpleasant symptoms, but I feel a lot better than I did even a week ago. My appetite is returning (slowly). I had to modify some of my eating habits (my OA restrictions are too harsh on my body), and besides, I GOTTA EAT. Foods that are acceptable to my palate right now are Ritz crackers, Gatorade Rain in berry flavor, water with lemon, plain (or plainish) noodles, mashed potatoes, oatmeal, and other generally bland things. My house is a wreck, the color of my face is worse, but we are overjoyed that this phase in our life is finally here!

I'm glad we took the time to meet with the reproductive endocrinologist. She was a great help, and we were fortunate to only go through one round of treatment and conceive without IFV or insemination. I still pray for the families I know that have not been this fortunate. Jeremy has been such a help to me. He pretty much caters to what I want to eat and encourages me to get all my vitamins and water in.

I have not been working. I don't want to go to the radio station right now. I don't have the energy to cope, really. I miss Houston so much...especially now that it has turned cold up here on the Cap Rock. Give me back my 70 degree winters, please. Also, the dryness is annoying.

We're heading to Oklahoma next week for Christmas with my brothers. Should be fun.

Get It Straight Or Pay The Price!

2009-11-13T10:26:00.002-06:00

Have mercy, I haven't blogged in ages. Even now, I'm thinking...what will I say? I got things to do, people! Surely a quick update is within my capabilities. (sucks in a deep breath...) Here goes:

My brother Scott got married. There are photos on facebook if anyone is interested. I honestly mean to post more pictures here, but I'm not going to make promises I can't keep. If I feel more motivated, maybe I'll post some here. Anyway, the wedding was so pretty and it was a good day. Scott & Meggan did a lot of preparation and everything went smoothly. The wedding was held outside at an historical mansion in Tulsa. The weather cooperated, too.
I have been made part-time at the radio station(s). Basically this means that I can operate the studio & sound board when a jock is on a remote. I'm not on the air. I have also taken a liking to production. We produce about 80% of our commercials in house. I've gotten to do some voice work on those, and I really like learning about the equipment and how that all works. I think I like that better than being in the actual studio! I feel like a bit of a gear-head.
I am crafting a lot! You'd never know it from the sad, un-updated craft blog, but I'm making tons of sample cards. I hope to post some photos of those in the future. But, I have a bit of a problem there--I'm not super talented with photography, and I want the photos of my crafts to look somewhat polished. So, I was able to purchase Adobe Photoshop Elements, and I hope that will help me do some simple things like remove glare, soften edges and things of that nature. Also, my creative juice runs low when trying to stage a photo.
Jeremy likes his work. He's so happy and motivated! Palliative Care is proving to be a medical and ministry position. I'm so proud of him, all the time. He works so hard and cares very much about his patients and co-workers. He works to be an advocate for them.
It hardly seems possible that it is almost time for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We will spend Christmas in Oklahoma with some of my family.
We're regularly attending a small group with Raintree Christian Church. However, we haven't placed membership anywhere yet. The small group has been quite nice, and intellectually stimulating. We'll be visiting the Broadway Church of Christ this week. We visited a large Methodist church, and boy did I love it. Mostly I loved the huge organ and high-churchy things (liturgical driven service). I don't think we'll attend there, but visits there are refreshing to me.

That is all.

Video Didn't Kill This Radio Star

2009-09-23T13:34:00.002-05:00

A quick update: I'm working as an intern for a group of radio stations, and I really like it so far! I'm not on the air or anything, but I hope to be some day. Myself and the other intern (affectionately called the "wonder twins") do a lot of general stuff like data entry and running around, but it is really cool for me to see how a station works. Everyone I have met has been a pleasure and eager to help us learn.

It's also getting me out and providing me with an opportunity to meet people, about which I have prayed since we moved to Lubbock. I won't lie, it was a struggle during the first few weeks--only knowing 3 or 4 people in town. We've gone to a small group meeting with our friend C at the Independent Christian Church here, and plan to go some more. Loneliness is hard for me. I still deeply miss my friends from college, and I'm thankful that we still keep in touch on some levels. That in addition to missing our friends from med-school and Houston...it has been a lot with which to cope.

But, I do my best not to let my fears take hold. Each day is just one day, one set of 24 hours. I believe God cares for me, and that I serve a God of peace, a God of love, and a God that cares about every aspect of my life. Letting go of control is a "day at a time" process, I think. When you've programmed yourself to do certain things for so long, letting go of the control is like letting go of the life raft in the deep end of the pool. And yet, we float.

I'm off for an afternoon of learning. Friends, I love you all and miss you all. K, you'll be happy to know the Psalms have offered much comfort! I'm beginning to understand your fascination.

Give Love.

It's Alive!

2009-08-26T16:01:00.003-05:00

Nope, I've not gone off and left the blog world, although I thought about it! I have a lot to tell which will most likely end up like one of those affairs where you are at a friend's home and they say "Oh gosh, let me show you the pictures from our family vacation..." or power point or slides or whatever. Not that I don't love that, I actually do. And, I'm not actually posting pictures right now. So maybe it's nothing like that. But whatevs.

We moved to Lubbock. No surprises, no glitches, PTL. The rent house is great, and will be open for guests soon (cough*Houston*cough).

We took a two week road trip with our six-year-old niece, Tori. She did really great and there weren't any major meltdowns. We did, however, learn all there was to know about Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers and Radio Disney (thx, Sirius). Here are the places/people we visited:

Will & Alana (my brother and his wife) in Oklahoma City
Sarah & Chris (friend from high school) in Oklahoma City
Scott & Meggan (my brother and his fiance) in Tulsa
Lazzeri, Gipson & Warfel families in Southern Illinois (my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins)
Laura (my step mother) and Jenn B. (one of my homies) in Chicago
Steve & Lorinna and crew in Dearborne, Michigan (friends we made in Houston)
St. Louis for one night-not visiting anyone but the ST. LOUIS CARDINALS!

It was loads of fun and we have lots and lots of pictures that I'll post at another time when I can transfer them to my computer from Jeremy's. Total we drove over 3000 miles. It was a great way to see things. We listened to a lot of radio, played car games, and generally had a fun time.

We then came to Lubbock for a week and unpacked and washed laundry, then left for a week of rest in Gulf Shores, AL. My Aunt Becky and Uncle Eric go every year. There were 11 of us total on this trip: Me, Jer, Becky, Eric, Nick (my cousin)-and folks that are not related to me but a total hoot: Bill, Kay, Judy, Tom, Paula & Morgan. We stayed in a 5 bed/4 bath condo on Orange Beach, and it was BEAUTIFUL. We had great weather all week. I have some good photos from that too.

We came home to a visit from my mother-in-law and brother-in-law and Grandmother Cooper. She helped me sew fabric panels we are using to divide a large front room. She was a complete treat to work with, and I think we chatted more than we ever have. She let me ask all kinds of questions and told me about sewing back in her day, when she made a living as a seamstress. I loved that.

I've found an OA group here that is small and sweet and helping me on that journey. We've been visiting churches and praying about the right place to land. No decisions on that front as of yet. We finally changed our phone numbers. Everything is feeling a bit more real now! Jeremy finally got his own Mac and he loves it! We joined a gym and it is really great. It is attached to Jeremy's hospital system here. It's on the 6th floor of the parking garage, and doesn't have a particularly "gym" feel to it, but I really like it. There are a lot of what seems to be 65+ folks working out there, and it's awesome. I'm going to try the yoga and water aerobics classes.

I'm in the process of putting together a home office/studio for my crafts. Watch for more posts on the craft blog in the coming weeks, namely for the opening of an Etsy (www.Etsy.com) store if I can get some samples made. To begin it will most likely be cards and tags. I'm super excited for that frontier. In unpacking my supplies, it has boggled me how much I really have! I won't need to buy supplies for a LONG time. I also save scraps and have a lot of ideas for them, too.

So, that's it for now. Here are our numbers:

B (806) 773-2271

J (806) 773-2291

Address:

2118 65th Place

Lubbock, TX 79412

Some Songs and Stuff

2009-06-18T14:44:00.006-05:00

These two songs have been on constant rotation on the iPod/CD player for the last week or so. Not because they're the greatest things ever written, but right now they are speaking to me.
There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy.
There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time - It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
__________________________________________________________________

Sometimes my life just don't make sense at all.
When the mountains look so big, but my faith just seems so small.
So hold me, Jesus, 'Cause I'm shaking like a leaf.
You have been king of my glory, won't you be my prince of peace.

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark.
It's hot inside my soul, I swear there must be blisters on my heart.
So hold me, Jesus, 'Cause I'm shaking like a leaf.
You have been king of my glory, won't you be my prince of peace.

Surrender don't come natural to me.
I'd rather fight you for what I don't really want,
Than take what you give that I need.
And I've beat my head against so many walls,
That I'm falling down, falling on my knees.

And the Salvation Army band was playing this hymn,
And your grace rang out so deep,
It made my resistance seem so thin...

So hold me, Jesus, 'Cause I'm shaking like a leaf.
You have been king of my glory, won't you be my prince of peace.
*************************************************
No hidden meanings in these really. The lyrics speak for themselves. I find them comforting right now.
*************************************************
Laura came through surgery just fine. She is recovering at home with the help of friends and her sister. She will meet with an oncologist soon, to determine a plan of treatment. We will see her in July. I miss her. We have such good conversation together.
*************************************************
Through a conversation with one of my friends, we got onto the topic of meekness. I don't think I've ever considered meekness, especially with regard to Jesus' words in Mt. 5--the beatitudes, the sermon on the mount--"Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." I confess--I've always equated meekness with shy and weak. However, I now don't think that's what it means. I have no clear definition at this point. Another of Rich's songs says "I will sing for the meek, those who pray with their very lives for peace. Though they're in chains for a higher call, their mourning will change to laughter when the nations fall." This confuses me more, because I don't understand the lyric. Not that I need Rich Mullins to define all of Scriptures Deep Meanings And Truths, but I often glean understanding within his interpretation. So, I've set myself up for a bit of digging and learning about meekness. Makes me wish I'd paid more attention to Dr. Ham in Life of Christ (and Greek for that matter). One could get tied up in the meanings of the beatitudes for centuries (and have!). Comments welcome on this topic.
*****************************************************
Rent house in Lubbock is secured. We took lots of measurements of walls and windows, and not one stinking picture. I'm checking out fabric this weekend for possibilities of making curtains. I would like it to be fabric I can repurpose later, should it not be used for curtains any more. Houston house will be re-listed today. New realtor, new strategy.
*****************************************************
Looking forward to Galveston get-a-way. Looking forward to summer road trip with Jeremy and my six-year-old niece. Counting down the days to vacation in Gulf Shores.
*****************************************************
Radio possibilities cropping up all over the place. I will be confident enough in myself to investigate them for real this time. No more wondering. Time to try. Time to stop living in fear of failure.

Not Today

2009-05-18T10:56:00.002-05:00

I no longer refer to periods of my life as "...going well" or "...going good." This simply makes times in my life that are less than good seem more prominent.

In blunt terms, we have been hit hard by several occurances in the last two weeks. 3 extended family members have passed away--Jeremy's great aunt (Thelm), a cousin of Jeremy's (Jerry), and my great uncle (Tom). Thelm and Tom were siblings of our grandparents. Jerry was a 2nd cousin to Jeremy, and he was in a car accident. Last week my step-mother Laura went to the emergency room for some issues and has had some testing. It is most probable that it is cancer (however, definite test results will be back this week). I have also started meeting with a 12-step group for compulsive overeating. These things are coming on the verge of trying to sell our home, have babies, move...I'm overwhelmed. I don't know whether to isolate and cry or ignore or what. I am thankful that I haven't turned to food to comfort myself.

We need your intercessory prayers-for healing and for peace. Speak for us where we can not. My faith and trust abilities are shaken by these things. Yet I am reminded that we do not have to bear these things alone. Jeremy and I are blessed to have a community that will lift us up. If we can do the same for you, let us. Mutual edification provides an opportunity to give back to all who support us.

So, I heard some good advice last week, not knowing it would come to my aid so soon. When faced with difficult situations, instead of turning to the behavior I know so well and doing the things that seem to bring temporal relief (eating, anger, victim mentality, bitterness, acting out) I say to myself "not today." This day is all that there is. I can not look any further, nor can I rely on the past. When I look at things in the span of a day instead of weeks, months and years, situations seem more manageable. That in combination with unwrenching my futile attempts at control and giving them to the God I serve give me strength.

Hebrews 3:13: "...and let us encourage one another while it is still called Today..."

No Day But Today.

Unexpected Worship

2009-05-07T10:15:00.002-05:00

Do you ever have a time when you are unexpectedly hit with the desire to worship? Sometimes nuggets of wisdom come at unexpected times! Mine particularly come from music and the written word. Today I was listening to some worship songs and singing along while doing menial tasks, and I was overwhelmed for a few moments by the words "...my name is written on His heart." I had to stop what I was doing and put my hands up in thankgiving and surrender to my God.

I believe the Holy Spirit moves in and among us, even when we do not activly seek its counsel. Hearts become primed for formation. I like that word more and more...formation. The word "change" seems very rigid. The word formation implies more of a molding and I like that because it fits the human condition a little better. We are constantly being molded and refined. I think that's what overcame me for a few moments today. It was unexpected, but not unpleasant. In confronting the demons of guilt, I often wonder if God wants me. Hearing the sentiment that my name is written on His heart was such a comfort! Oh Counselor Spirit! My own heart is softened, and I can do naught but praise You. So I stopped, and I did.

Frenzy

2009-04-22T14:19:00.003-05:00

New craft post up over at Heirloom House!

There is so much going on. We have found a house to rent in Lubbock. Movers came today to meet with Jeremy and get an estimate of what we've got that they'll haul. We've had lots of lookers at our home in Missouri City, but no offers yet. It is, however, forcing us to keep the house clean, which, upon further reflection, is probably how we were supposed to be living all along.

I love Spring time. We've had beautiful weather for several days now, that came in on the heels of fantastic storms last weekend.

We had a great trip to California. We have scads of pictures on Jeremy's Facebook page. It was one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. Our hosts are family friends, and had some great stories to tell about my parents. They were so gracious to us, and more than generous with their time and resources. I miss them a lot and wasn't ready to come home. Their daughter and I have struck up conversations via email, and I'm glad for that budding relationship.

That's about it for now. Please pray for our friend Chelsie's sister, Christin. She was in a terrible car accident and we're on our knees for her. The link to her blog is in my side bar "One Day At A Time" and you can read the story there. Please add Christin to you your prayers.

Give love.

Promotion

2009-04-15T14:30:00.001-05:00

Peep the new crafty blog if you want to: www.heirloomhouse.blogspot.com . Link in sidebar, too. It's not too exciting yet, but just you wait.

Spirit, Come Flush the Lies Out

2009-03-30T10:16:00.002-05:00

The title is a line from good 'ole Charlie Peacock. I'll refrain from posting lyrics. I feel certain I have already posted them. But that line is on me today.

I've had a fantastically cruddy few weeks. I'm tattered and torn and trying to pick up my sword and carry on when all I really want to do is pout, yell, throw stuff and hide. I haven't even felt like blogging. The emotional bile has festered in my head, and yesterday my Safe Persons let me barf it all out. I feel remarkably better today, and simply decided to KNOCK IT OFF. I've been lashing out and acting out like a little kid.

No one said or did anything to stir up these weeks of craptasticness. On further reflection I think it is a combination of things--our impending move, lots of work obligations, some losses, and, not least of which is my misguided sense of responsibility and unreal expectations for myself. I've struggled with self-consciousness for a long, long time and it is one of the pieces of baggage I desperately want to lay before the Lord but for whatever reason, I cling to it.

I expect the worst from people. I trust next to no one, and rarely believe what I'm asked to accept. I know why I do this (but in the heat of a meltdown it is unconscious), but it's one of those deep-seeded things...one of the doors in my heart that I don't open. You know what is the craziest? Longing for community fulfillment but refusing to accept it when it comes my way. I have my confessors. I have verbalized my transgressions. Now to leave the past in the past and walk into the place that has been washed clean of failed attempts...it is daunting.

Yet I'm soothed today. Not lulled by any trick or fancy thing, but peaceful in a way that only a good mental purge can provide. I'm reading Brennan Manning's Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging. It is providing some insight! I loved my Sunday school class yesterday. I'm going to read more Psalms. I'm going to breathe in deep the sweet smells of beloved Spring In Houston (my favorite time of year here). I'm going on vacation this week. I love my husband.

I Am All Right. Spirit, Come Flush The Lies Out.

How Does Your Garden Grow?

2009-03-02T09:54:00.003-06:00

Missed updating last week. It was an interesting week, to say the least. Started out by recovering from a weekend in Lubbock. That's a blog in itself, but the house hunting was more of a fact finding mission...we saw some things we really liked and got ideas. We'll have to return in May to look more selectively. We're hoping to have our Houston house listed on the market in the next two weeks. We have a lot to do to get it ready. Pass the word folks...House for sale!

On Wednesday, poor Jeremy was involved in a car accident. This comes on the heels of major repairs to my VW. He (thank you Jeebus!) was not hurt, nor was the other party. Unfortunatley, Jeremy received the ticket. Our insurance will cover our repairs, the other party's repairs, and a rental car for Jer to drive. We have to pay the deductible, and that's it. I was so flummoxed by the whole thing I skipped the Ash Wednesday service with the Wed night kids and sat in Cafe Grace with RAL and BISS and we played with yarn. I'm crocheting a blanket, and it looks like it is for an earthworm (at this stage). After Cafe Grace, I drove to Galveston...

...to see SHH(H?)!!!!!!!! I scoured the city for a copy of "Pump Up The Volume." We watched, we laughed, Chair Man laughed at us laughing. Over too many glasses of wine, we poured over HS yearbooks and laughed and talked and it was wonderful. CM asked us if we looked the same to each other, and we said "Yes, exactly!" except she's taller and my legs are only 2 inches long. I got to meet sweet little Baby Hen. On Thursday morning, we strolled the beach looking at all of the beach houses that had damage. We were pretty exhausted from staying up so late. It's still pretty visible...I hadn't noticed it the night before when I drove in. We found odd looking blue jellyfish, lots of shells and of course, did lots more talking. After our walk, we showered and got dressed and came back into Houston. Little Hen was pooped out, and she fell asleep in my car right away.

We picked up Chair Man and had lunch at Ninfa's, after which there was a minor incident with my car...stupid battery connections were not tightened...(VW, have you lost your mind??), but it was quickly mended. We then headed to the Houston Museum of Fine Art to see an exhibit that had apparently already closed. We rode the big escalator and then found a shop in Montrose that had some of the furniture Chair Man is interested (obsessed?) with. And while we were at that shop, SHH took baby out to the sidewalk...AND SHE STARTED WALKING ON HER OWN!!! We went out and she took at least 10 steps from her mama to me. We all cheered for her. I took the travelers back to their car, and they loaded up to go back to Galveston for their final night before heading back to Oklahoma. It was a great time. Now I want to go to OK for a weekend and be my usual self and not have too much wine the night before. I didn't want to say goodbye again. This friendship is all good...I can feel it. Sometimes, you just know.

Friday wasn't so great. My friend, Mary, lost her battle with cancer. She's my title inspiration today. At her memorial service, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE talked about Mary's love for gardening. She sure planted a lot of seeds...literally and figuratively. She loved her church, she loved her family. She basically taught me how to play bridge (along with Jenny). She laughed with me, she mentored my class--I think she condidered us her kids. She loved coffee. She shot straight from the hip, no fluff. She told me about the Pecos Grill and the Mucky Duck. She loved music. She made visitors feel welcome and by the end of the day, knew everything there was to know about them. When she laughed, it was hearty and good. When she was serious, you sat still and listened. She loved Proverbs. I'll miss you, Mary. I'm bidding 3NT for you this week, though I may stain it with my tears.

Notes in the DNA

2009-02-18T18:56:00.004-06:00

Music.

So many times I've tried to write about it, and can't seem to make sense of the hows or whys of its enjoyment. I've tried separating out genres and artists, eras and listenability...it is so subjective! To say that musical choice has to define someone is extremely narrow, yet I do it all the time--mostly to justify my own choices. Quite simply it is written into my DNA. I believe, if one were to cut open my veins, there would be a combination of words, musical notes and coffee running through them.

How many songs on your iPod or in your CD wallet, LP collection, 8 tracks, tapes or on the radio can you identify to a direct time and place in your life? When I hear Van Halen's "When It's Love" I'm sitting in my friend's yellow cutlass cruising on I-44 through Oklahoma from Tulsa to OKC. When I hear Rachmaninov's "Paganini on a Theme" I'm with my father, having coffee. When I hear Billy Joel's "Captain Jack" I'm in a dorm room reveling in my rebellious mood wearing ripped jeans. When I hear The Beatles "Day in the Life" I'm in Jessie's Fiat. When I hear "A Thousand Sweet Kisses Reprise" from RENT, I'm staring into the eyes of my beloved. If I could crawl inside John Mayer's "Neon" I'd live there forever.

I love to feel THAT moved. I love to feel connected to the music in such a way that it literally pulses through you. I can identify my moods better with music than with words, and, essentially, I suppose that's the point. If we were able to express ourselves fully enough with spoken words, I guess we wouldn't need it. I'm lucky to have had parents that put me in music lessons as soon as I was able. And, probably luckier still that it stuck for me.

In the same way that music elevates me, it also destroys me. I, being prone to fits of melodramatic tantrums, can hear a song that evokes something painful and it will throw me into the depths of the emotional abyss (though I must say that I have learned to control these emotions much more as of the last 2 years. This is good). Most of those songs have been permanently expunged from my library. I can not listen to Dire Straits "Romeo & Juliet." I rarely listen to several Rich Mullins songs, even though they are some of the most passionate, deliberate, heartbreaking songs. Jennifer Knapp's "Martyrs and Thieves" could be my diary of private thoughts.

I'm not the most knowledgeable, not the most adept, and certainly not the most talented. But I can not live without music. I simply don't have the ability to cut myself off from it. So this is the part where my thoughts begin to wind down and I ask you for your songs that take you to a particular time and place. All welcome, Give Love.

Weekly Vitamin B2

2009-02-13T12:58:00.002-06:00

Missed updating yesterday.

Got the VW back from mechanic. Had to have a cracked head replaced. Then, as we were checking out, WAMU wouldn't let us pay with our debit card because the amount was too high! AND WE HAD ENOUGH IN OUR ACCOUNT TO COVER IT. Lord bless Jeremy, he was pretty lit, and we still couldn't get them to let us pay with our debit card. Jerks. I'm glad to have my Passat back. Had her for 6 years and we seem to get along like peas and carrots (and NO car payments, baby).
Been working with S, M, B and our church kids to get ready for the Sweetheart Banquet on Sunday. I'm baking bread and cakes. Maybe if I get myself together I will post some photos. I always intend to post more pictures on here, and never do. Boo to me.
Finally did some grocery shopping this week. Our pantry was BARE. I mean it! We wound up at Kroger (after previously deciding to shop elsewhere, but changed our minds at the last minute). Let me take a moment to give a PSA about my new Kroger in Mo City--it is great. It's all clean and has wide aisles and everything seems so fresh and welcoming. It is actually fun for me to go there. Luckily I found some of the last honeycrisp apples of the season. My Snit gets them in Oregon for sooooooo cheap! Lucky.
We've been cooking more at home lately. I am not a good cook. Jeremy is a good cook, and wants to take some cooking classes. I'm getting better at baking (see old blog). Some of my side dishes are turning out better these days, and our homemade pizzas are a must at least once a week (I prefere beef and green olives, though I may venture into sauteed spinach this week). Jer has some brisket in the freezer that hopefully he will cook tomorrow for Valentine's Day.
Jeremy turned 32 on the 11th. Last Saturday we went to dinner at Killen's Steak House in Pearland. It was absolutely amazing. We shared a 27oz bone in ribeye, mac and cheese, asparagus, creamed corn, french onion soup, crab cakes and dessert (bread pudding for Jer, creme brulee for me), and some excellent wine. Hands down one of the best places we've eaten since living in Houston. Anway, he got lots of cards and goodies via mail, and we will celebrate with his mom and sister next weekend in Lubbock. I hear he's getting a red velvet cake. HBD, Shermo!
I went to a panel discussion by the Houston "Amazing Faiths" coalition/group with my friend W. The panel included a woman of Buddhist faith, a Church of Christ minister (my group!), a Jewish scholar, a scholar of African Religion, and a woman of Muslim faith. It was at the Rothko chapel (to which I'd never been...it was cool, but I'd like to see it during the day, when it is meant to be viewed). The panel discussion was interesting, and I was glad I went. The title was "Are Our Gods the Same?"
My crafty glands are going into overdrive! I want to make stuff all the time. My friends B and W found a place in Houston that (oh, I just heard thunder!) is called "Sew Crafty" and you can go there and sew or knit or work on crafts. It really looks like fun and I wish I could be there today. I've been making a lot of cards lately. I told my friend T that I might be addicted to stamping. I do have an actual scrapbook on which I'm working and need to do some of it, too.
I made a few personal decisions this week that I think will be good for me.
I'm started reading "The Quiet American" by Graham Greene, and "Something Rotten" by Jasper Fforde.
My new old friend S will be in town in two weeks! I am so happy to see her! We seemed to pick up where we left off SEVENTEEN years ago. Can it really be that long ago that we were Freshmen in high school? Swooning over (insert dated reference here)? However, I like that we are changed. She eloquently noted that remembering the past and going home carries a lot of guilt with it, and it is difficult to overcome. I have an overwhelming desire not to screw this up and to be as fluid as I can...I'm having so much FUN.

That's all for today. I slept fitfully last night and would love a nap right about now.
Give love, my friends.

Update Schmupdate

2009-02-05T09:21:00.002-06:00

No earth-shattering events and/or revelations to write about today. Here's what's been going on:

In two weeks we're going to Lubbock to house hunt. I'm excited and sad at the same time. It's time for me to leave the Big City--it's wearing on me something fierce. However, I want to take all of My Lovelies with me.
I'm currently reading two books: The Well of Lost Plots by Jasper Fforde and The Gun Seller by Hugh Laurie.
Review of Kitchen Confidential: Tales from the Culinary Underbelly by Anthony Bourdain: honest, downright grody in parts, yet ultimately fascinating. One of the better non-fic I've picked up in the last year. I'm now a hopeless fan of his show on Travel Channel called "No Reservations." I hope to eat at Les Halles the next time I get to NYC (where he used to be executive chef).
I planned and purchased some New Balance 992's. I found a scuf on them, and got 10% off, which was cool. I like them a lot, and have to tell myself not to wear them everyday.
My VW is in the shop, and has been for 2 weeks due to a cracked head. This is bad and very expensive. However, I'm not interested in making a car payment, so we are paying for the repair. Just another reason I'm glad we changed the way we look at money. I AM ready to have my ride back. I have made a promise to take better care of her (with cleaning and whatnot. We were taking good care of her insides--this was a problem that could not be forseen).
Hey! We're helping lead a round of Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University at our church. Starts up February 21 from 1-3 p.m. If you're interested, call message or tweet me. Or, you know, just look at Dave's site (www.daveramsey.com). If you really need this information, you don't have to come to ours, just get to one! You won't regret it, I promise.
Good Lord Have Mercy I Joined Twitter. To Follow John Mayer. And Tony Bourdain. I Am Nearly 32 And Too Old To Do This Stupid Stuff. I am pimping my handle...Narnianwardrobe. I only have 2 followers and this is depressing.
Picked up some new stamps last night. I've been making a lot more cards lately. I think I might start a blog just for crafts, and maybe and Etsy store once we move.
Last Saturday was a gift from God On High. I spent some time with my youth girls, painting pottery. Then I had a blessed, soul refreshing afternoon with R.A.L. We ate Thai food and wandered around Rice Village. We gingerly brought up the topic of my leaving...and quickly put it away again. Blast the day when we actually have to TALK about it. BOO TO IT.
I'm sad about one of My Girls. She's young and making stupid choices. She's so intelligent and almost at the end--I wish she'd hang on. Am I a mentor or a glorified babysitter? Do I have a right to say "What are you doing?!?" Ugh. I'm praying for discernment. You pray, too.
Shermy's birthday is coming up, and the Daltons will be in town. That's always a good time.

Nothing else to report at this time. Roger Will Co, over and out.

ENFP, Thank You, Kiersey.

2009-01-29T09:28:00.002-06:00

The sorter says I should resist labels, so this whole bit amuses me. But, here are my test results. I think it's pretty accurate (creepily so in some spots). It pains me that I'm so easily figured out! Ha!

Extraversion, iNtuition, Feeling, Perception

As an ENFP, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is internal, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system.

ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.

ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. They are good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They're constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP's life, and because they are focused on keeping "centered", the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values.

An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike other Extraverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.

Most ENFPs have great people skills. They are genuinely warm and interested in people, and place great importance on their inter-personal relationships. ENFPs almost always have a strong need to be liked. Sometimes, especially at a younger age, an ENFP will tend to be "gushy" and insincere, and generally "overdo" in an effort to win acceptance. However, once an ENFP has learned to balance their need to be true to themselves with their need for acceptance, they excel at bringing out the best in others, and are typically well-liked. They have an exceptional ability to intuitively understand a person after a very short period of time, and use their intuition and flexibility to relate to others on their own level.

Because ENFPs live in the world of exciting possibilities, the details of everyday life are seen as trivial drudgery. They place no importance on detailed, maintenance-type tasks, and will frequently remain oblivous to these types of concerns. When they do have to perform these tasks, they do not enjoy themselves. This is a challenging area of life for most ENFPs, and can be frustrating for ENFP's family members.

An ENFP who has "gone wrong" may be quite manipulative - and very good it. The gift of gab which they are blessed with makes it naturally easy for them to get what they want. Most ENFPs will not abuse their abilities, because that would not jive with their value systems.
ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have an amazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation, but when they apply judgment to their perception, they may jump to the wrong conclusions.

ENFPs who have not learned to follow through may have a difficult time remaining happy in marital relationships. Always seeing the possibilities of what could be, they may become bored with what actually is. The strong sense of values will keep many ENFPs dedicated to their relationships. However, ENFPs like a little excitement in their lives, and are best matched with individuals who are comfortable with change and new experiences.

Having an ENFP parent can be a fun-filled experience, but may be stressful at times for children with strong Sensing or Judging tendancies. Such children may see the ENFP parent as inconsistent and difficult to understand, as the children are pulled along in the whirlwind life of the ENFP. Sometimes the ENFP will want to be their child's best friend, and at other times they will play the parental authoritarian. But ENFPs are always consistent in their value systems, which they will impress on their children above all else, along with a basic joy of living.
ENFPs are basically happy people. They may become unhappy when they are confined to strict schedules or mundane tasks. Consequently, ENFPs work best in situations where they have a lot of flexibility, and where they can work with people and ideas. Many go into business for themselves. They have the ability to be quite productive with little supervision, as long as they are excited about what they're doing.

Because they are so alert and sensitive, constantly scanning their environments, ENFPs often suffer from muscle tension. They have a strong need to be independent, and resist being controlled or labelled. They need to maintain control over themselves, but they do not believe in controlling others. Their dislike of dependence and suppression extends to others as well as to themselves.

ENFPs are charming, ingenuous, risk-taking, sensitive, people-oriented individuals with capabilities ranging across a broad spectrum. They have many gifts which they will use to fulfill themselves and those near them, if they are able to remain centered and master the ability of following through.

Jungian functional preference ordering for ENFP:
Dominant: Extraverted IntuitionAuxiliary: Introverted FeelingTertiary: Extraverted ThinkingInferior: Introverted Sensing
____________________________________

Well isn't that special. Happy Thursday.

A Psalm Thought

2009-01-12T12:59:00.003-06:00

Today I read a devotional thought that confronted my internal struggle of wanting to be liked and pleasing the world and others. I have found over the last few years that God strips away the things in our life that become hindrances--at times I believe he does it whether we ask him to or not. A particular mentor of mine favors the account of Gideon, pointing out that God took everything from him except that which was essential to his fight. His army was pared down 3 separate times. Gideon even dared to test God's truthfulness (what with the dew on the fleece and whatnot--see Judges 6-7). I do not compare myself to Gideon, but I am beginning to understand what the hows and whys of letting go of certain ideals.

So, the things that are pried out of my clutching hands are hard to let out of my grasp. The loss of control, the fear of failure, the knowledge of dislike--it's all a bitter thing to swallow. However, I do not wallow in despair. Even as I type and consider my words in this post, I don't feel despair (or even that sad, really). I suppose one should feel relief in the knowledge that those things don't have to be watched over anymore, that one could feel the tensions ease, but at times it seems almost more difficult to manage, when the "what ifs" take over, and the self re-crimination and waves of doubt assail. I've always been predisposed to those feelings. A person of wise counsel told me that I'm responsible for what I do with those feelings. Absolutely no one else is responsible for my actions, reactions, thoughts or decisions. And, aside from my husband and God, my decisions ought not be based on anyone else. As one who feeds on the positive attention of others, it is difficult to think that these decisions may not be popular and will definitely result in people cutting you out of their life. This is not to say that I do not know myself...I've had objective opinions given to me by The Trusted in my life, and I know my flaws (I do not fault them for pointing them out. They love me anyway, and were delivered in loving, constructive ways). I'm not deluded into thinking I am perfect. I am only perfect in Christ. That's it. Nothing more. My mistakes are forgiven. He is enough.

Shame and pride are my demons. They crop up at the most inopportune times! But I felt comforted by the words of the Psalms today. I just love Psalms. They seem to be the place where emotion and sanity slam together in the most frenetic place and the creativity simply overflows from the pen of the author. I'm not an Old Testament scholar by any means, but I have found a home in the Psalms-a home in the heart of emotionally driven yet sanely prolific themes. It is not a place where mere praise is heaped--but a place where despair, hope, resistance, comfort and glory all roll together to create a journal of heart.

Psalm 40:1-8
I waited patiently for the Lord, he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.

Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his Trust,
who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.

Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us no one can recount to you;
Were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.

Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced,
burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.

The I said "Here I am, I hve come--
it is written about me in the scroll.
I desire to do your will, O my God;
you law is within my heart.

The Stuff I Like: An Unashamed Confession

2008-12-24T14:21:00.003-06:00

I used to be ashamed of a lot of things--and at the top of that list is stuff I like, but wouldn't say I liked for whatever dumb-headed reason (mostly because I didn't want to be thought of as un-cool). HENCEFORTH, I WILL BE UNASHAM-ED! Here is my confession. Bless me Rolling Stone, for I have sinned.

I like Beyonce. No, I love Beyonce. In all of her glamazon glory, I love her. She is fan-flipping-tastic. I want her clothes, her dance moves, her hair. Her voice is only okay to me, but I love her.
Songs about children, animals and war heroes make me cry.
In fact, I cry a lot. Happy, sad, mad, joyous--I'm a big bucket of cry.
Billy Joel is simply the most.
Phil Collins is a close second.
I really, really like Folger's coffee. I dig on the good stuff from Whole Foods and Central market and all that, but you can't beat a piping hot cup of Folger's.
Not all brands of whole grain crakers are created equal. I like Kashi brand, but not many others. They taste like cardboard.
(Takes a deep breath...) I like chick-lit. You know, the books created for the 20-30 somethings that are all about womany things. My favorites are the Shopaholic series by Sophie Kinsella. I even enjoy (gulp) Francine Rivers. I still love my classics, non-fiction, sci-fi and the like, but chick-lit is light and fluffy and enjoyable.
I confess that I resist making friends with women, and it doesn't come easily to me. I want to be a part of the "chatty Friday night let's have some wine and paint our toes" events, but I feel very exposed--like I'm supposed to not like it (you know, to defy stereotypes), but I do.
I still find some male movie stars/celebrities to be complete dreamboats: Vincent D'Onofrio, Daniel Craig, Vince Vaughn, Jon Favreau, Hugh Laurie. SWOON!
I love Jeremy's jokes. They are often corny and we repeat them all the time, but I always laugh at them, even when it's not out loud.
I love magazines. My current favorites are: Scrapbooks, Etc. (yes, it's a real publication), Real Simple and Traditional Home (thanks, K). I get so many ideas from them and the glossy pages call out my name. A special treat is "airport magazines"--oh yes--Us Weekly, People, and maybe OK! or Vogue. Smut? Nay!
Diet soda makes me want to choke. Yes, I'll occasionally down a Diet Coke or Diet Dr. Pepper, but I have to be hard up for a soda to do so. I'll pick sparkling water over diet soda any day. BUT I'D RATHER HAVE A REAL COKE. Not Pepsi, not RC, not Cola. I want Coca-Cola Classic. Large. Ice cold. AHhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Sometimes I eat potted meat and/or vienna wieners. Let's not dig too deeply on this one.
I dig on Birkenstocks. Yes, I have some Chacos and some Reefs, and they are really great sandals (esp. the Reefs...they are a close second...), but Birkenstocks are my favorites. Back when my friends were doing the Doc Marten sandals (of which my then-boyfriend Jeremy brought me a pair from England-such a sweetie...but I digress...) I have stuck by my Birks. I still have my first pair, bought in 98. Bless those things. If they could only talk.
I talk a good game about music, but I'm basically a one-trick pony. I only know a lot about 1967-1980.

Enough of this. Embrace the safe place, and tell me your secrets!

Magic Pottery

2008-12-22T12:14:00.000-06:00

My paternal grandmother was Ruth Warfel. Technically, she was Ruth Evelyn Gipson Warfel, the fifth of six children. They were, in order (I think): Hoot (William), Pete, Tom, Chalk (Charles) Ruth, June (Toots). Grandma Ruth was born and raised in Benton, IL (also the home town of John Malkovitch).

Although my Grandma was a good cook, she particularly excelled at baking. Grandpa Henry says no one had quite the touch she did with breads, rolls, pies and cakes. Well, I’m happy to report that I have found her secret—a Yelloware bowl. Yelloware was popular in the 40s and 50s, and is made from yellow clay with a clear glaze. They aren’t particularly rare or hard-to-find pieces. The fact that Grandma had one only speaks to her practicality—the thing is heavy, durable and easy to clean.

Sometime in the decade before my birth, my Grandma developed a recipe for cheese bread. It’s a garden variety white bread but the dough is infiltrated with sharp cheddar cheese and a few dashes of Tobasco (recipe below). Baking bread from scratch takes around two hours. One must mix, knead, let rise, then knead and bake. My Grandma did all of those things in the Yelloware bowl. After my Grandmother’s death in 1989, the bowl passed to my father, Gene, her only child.

Dad had inherited Grandma’s skill as a baker. He baked long before the bowl came to our house. His specialty was dinner rolls and that heavenly cheese bread. He even got into baking bagels for a while! Around the holidays, dad would bake several dozen mini loaves of cheese bread to give as gifts at his and mom’s annual open house. I used to get such a thrill out of helping him when I was young. He let me grease the baking dishes and sample all the cheese I wanted. He would joke and laugh and it would be just me and him—as if we were the only people in the whole world. When the bowl came to our house, it was integrated into those rituals, already used to being put to such hard work.
But, he didn’t keep it in the pantry or in a cabinet. He stored Grandma’s bowl on top of the piano! Probably because it was high and out of reach of the three hyena-like children that roamed the house.

After my father’s death in 2002, many of my parent’s belongings went into storage. Last July, my brothers, my Grandpa, and my step-mom went through a lot of it. We kept some things, we gave some things away, and we discarded some things. In my portion of items kept was Grandma’s bowl. I decided recently to clean it out and give it a whirl in the kitchen. Lo and behold! I can bake, too! I’ve always been better at that than other cooking related tasks—casseroles, meats, sides all lag under my touch. But, I can bake a pie. I can make cookies. And now, I can bake bread.

And as you may surmise, the idea of this tale is not that I am a good baker. I am the 3rd generation to use the bread bowl, and hopefully I will pass it to my children and/or relatives. The connection is the thing—to my past, a good part of my past and who I am. My Grandma was pretty near bi-polar, dad had mood swings with the best of them, and so do I. Perhaps the gentle spirit of the Lord lives in that bowl, calming us and returning the three of us to our most natural calm state, working the bread and making something for others to enjoy. I’m making the bread; the bread that poured forth from the hearts of my family into the hands of those who needed fellowship. It will be best served with a side of smiles, and in my case a few tears. A friend told me “just eat it and sob and feel the joy of it!” My baking success may be in the genes, but I think it’s in Grandma’s bowl.

Grandma Warfel’s Cheddar Cheese Bread
5-6 cups white flour
½ stick (4 tbsp) melted butter or margarine
2 tbsp sugar
1 tsp salt
2 cups grated cheddar cheese (sharp or mild, your choice, but I use sharp)
2 packets active dry yeast
2 cups warm water
¾ dashes of Tobasco™ (I use McIlleheny’s, but any type would work. The idea is to add zest, but not make the dough spicy)

Combine 2 cups flour, yeast, butter, salt , sugar and water in large mixing bowl. While stirring ingredients together, gradually add the 2 cups of cheese. When mixture is totally wet, one at a time, add remaining 3-4 cups of flour, stirring ingredients until dough is sticking together. Knead the dough with your hands for 3-4 minutes, fully mixing the dough until the yeast begins to work.

Grease a separate (make sure it is deep) mixing bowl (I use Pam™). Shape dough into a ball and place it in the greased bowl and cover with a hand towel. Let the dough rise for 1 hour. After dough has risen, gently punch it down and place it on a floured surface (I use a wooden butcher block). Roll the dough out and lightly flour it. Separate the dough into two sections and place in greased loaf pans (I sort of roll mine up like one might a jelly roll, so it takes a “loaf” shape). Point: there is no need to let the bread rise again. It will naturally rise when you put it in the oven. Bake at 375 for 30 minutes (the top should be a light golden brown). Serve toasted or warm with lots of butter!

Merry Christmas, friends.

Ink & Altered Art

2008-12-03T15:54:00.003-06:00

Most of you know I'm into scrapbooking. I don't have a lot of friends who scrap (2 or 3 at the most!) and, some of you have been subjected to evenings at Archiver's, and for that I thank you! Stamping and inking is sort of a sub-category of scrapping--and lead me into purchasing stamps for myself to use on layouts. This, in turn, led me to card-making and homemade tags, chip-board books, and embellishments (this pattern "crops"-ha!-up often...scrapping led me into the world of calligraphy, too).

I like the art of papercrafting and its various mediums--including paint. Recently I stumbled upon a woman's blog (link in the sidebar) called "Inkstains." She does a lot of stamping and work with various inks, including what I have learned is called "Altered Art." She makes books and takes things and alters them with inks, paint, stamps, embellishments...literally anything that can turn the item into a distressed sort of antiqued (unique) piece of art.

I use a lot of products by Ranger Industries, and I have always noticed the name Tim Holtz emblazoned across them. Little did I know that this guy is a guru in the world of Altered Art. I looked up his site--and I am definitely hooked!!! His site and blog are incredible, giving step-by-step how-to videos and blogs, give aways, tips, places to shop, how to order, everything. He is a champion of creativity and endless ideas. I've GOT to get one of his t-shirts--they say "Do you see nothing?" on the front and "Or Possibilities?" on the back with some of his artwork. I'm especially interested in his alcohol inks and stamp sets. A lot of the things he uses I already have in my stash, but man, that stuff rules. And, he seems like a cool guy, the ONLY male I have ever come across in the world of scrap. But, it seems like he doesn't limit himself to scrap stuff. He also collects antiques and is generally into all things vintage. Shabby chic may be "out" in the real world, but not mine. I'm also keen to try his distress stickles and figure out what in the heck grungeboard is.

Also, I watched a few "Stamp Camp" videos on the Two Peas website (website for scrappers and scrap supplies) and learned a new resist technique which I used to make place cards for this year's Thankgsiving Dinner.

Okay, that's all I've got for today. It's nice to give this art-form a name. Expect some more crafty blogs over the holiday. Also, the bread-bowl blog is nearing completion!

Glass Alabaster

2008-11-13T15:32:00.003-06:00

From glass alabaster she poured out the depths of her soul.
O foot of Christ would you wait if her harlotry's known?
Falls a tear to darken the dirt.
Of humblest offerings to forgive the hurt.
She is strong enough to stand in your love. I can hear her say

...I am weak.
I am poor,
I'm broken Lord
But I'm yours.
Hold me now.
Hold me now.

Let he without sin cast the first stone if you will.
To say that my bride isn't worth half the blood that I've spilled.
Point your finger
And laugh if you choose
To say my beloved is borrowed and used.

...I am weak.
I am poor,
I'm broken Lord
But I'm yours.
Hold me now.

p. 1998 Goatee Records. Jennifer Knapp, Kansas "Hold Me Now."

Randomnessnicity

2008-10-30T16:12:00.002-05:00

USA Network is on my last nerve. Law & Order: Criminal Intent (now with Jeff Goldblum--two delightfully oddballs for the price of one...) is not showing new eps until 2009. It was supposed to start next Friday! However, I can catch at least 2 re-runs/day. I'm fairly certain that if one were crafty enough, you could watch one of the L&O variations for 24 hrs./day. CI gets the short end--there seems to be a lot more TOS (the original series) and SVU.
Yay for Halloween. Pictures after our church shin-dig and Medicine party on Friday night.
Blessings on Will & Alana's new house. They have been working like bees to get it ready to move in this weekend.
The Star Trek movie can't get here fast enough for me. Zach Quinto is on my short list of actors I like right now (what with Heroes and all).
Springboarding off of that, my top 5 male actors (in no particular order): John Cusack, Vincent D'Onofrio, Vince Vaughn, Steve Carrell, Jon Favreau, James Spader. (Honorable mention goes to Morgan Freeman, Jack Nicholson and Philip Seymore Hoffman).
My top 5 actresses (in no particular order): Kathy Bates, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Blanchette, Kate Winslet, Katherine Zeta-Jones. (honorable mentions to Meryl Streep, Jennifer Aniston and Anne Hathaway).
I'm having spaghetti for dinner.

Happy Thursday.

"When Autumn Comes..."

2008-10-23T10:26:00.002-05:00

"...it doesn't ask. It just walks in, where it left you last."
-John Mayer, "Something's Missing" Heavier Things, 2003.

You knew this was coming right? With the first breath of cool weather, my brain itches to string words together again. Coherent or not, the need is there, and I want to slap my glasses on my face, brew a pot of coffee, throw on the favorite jeans, best worn-in tee, Chuck Taylors... and WRITE.

I'm in the process of formulating two different posts. One about the 90s, and one about my grandmother Warfel's bread bowl. I'm fairly certain the one about Grandma's bowl will come first, as that is the most prominent thought in my mind right now. I've made a couple of pies in the past few weeks, and I am assured that my success has been in the magic of her bowl. I'm the third generation to bake with it, and that is something special to me.

My post about the 90s is mostly a nostalgic piece that bemoans the loss of flannel shirts, cappucinos and Doc Martens as fashionable. The post has many photos that I've been collecting from the interwebz, so I don't really know when I'll have it finished, if ever.

If you could write about anything you wanted, what would it be and what format would it take? A novel? A screenplay? Poetry? Blogs are not an acceptable answer, because they rarely make "publishable" status...but perhaps I shouldn't be to quick to negate the blog as an organic entity...certainly they can be entertaining, informative, and contain all the things a good book would (protagonist, antagonist, plot devices and the like). Could Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest essentially be categorized as a "blog" (no-blog=weblog. We should all be QUITE CERTAIN that Oswald Chambers did not use a computer or the web...) but it could be seen as a diary of sorts, which is what most blogs are (as far as you know. Private writings do not belong on public blogs people! Don't be surprised if you fillet your soul open to readers that they will comment! Unless you are an attention whore--oh there are probably better descriptive words than whore, but that's what came to mind. See MGB? I do need a relationship with an editor).

I'd write about things that were deeply personal but veil them in good stories--sort of historical fiction for my own life. I think writers and actors especially have to tap into actual emotions of their own in order to portray the thought or character. For instance, say you are watching an actor portray a very emotional scene--sort of angsty with some mental breakdown thrown in. That actor has to tap into what he/she knows of those things in order to let them come out in the character. Or, they have to research and know about those things in order to portray them believably. I think actors and writers leave a bit of themselves in every writing and character they create. Perhaps therin lies the question...is the writing/character a creation or an interpretation? Either way, the mark is left. I'm pretty sure that writers and actors also carry the characters with them once they are done, even if it is just for a while. But I'm getting off track.

So tell me what you'd write.

Pretty Good Update

2008-10-13T15:48:00.003-05:00

I made a pseudo-pie this weekend. I made the garden-variety apple filling (with granny smith apples), courtesy of Betty Crocker and the big red cookbook. I also made the crust from scratch. The reason I say "pseudo" is because I couldn't locate my pie plate (yes, I only have one...) and I wound up baking them in glass loaf dishes. It was more cobbler style, with no crust on the bottom...I thought the pan was too deep for crust on the bottom. It was tasty! J said the only thing it needed was Blue Bell. I still have some apples left, so I might try an actual pie in the pie pan next.
I've been scrapping a lot. I spent two Friday nights in a row at Archiver's and blew most of my pocket money for October, but it was fun and I got A TON finished on a book that has taken me WAY WAY WAY too long to finish. I also purchased a new paper trimmer, some stickles (glitter glue thingys), and some stamps from the clearance bin. It's good for me.
It was fun to watch football with J last Saturday. He brought wings home for us to eat, too! I don't understand football very much, and he was really patient explaining things to me and we had fun. Then I fell asleep for 3 hours and that was awesome too.
Our friend J is in the hospital recovering from surgery. She's in good spirits, and will move to a rehab facility this week. We went to visit her after church and lunch yesterday. It was nice to see her good outlook and to visit with her son and his wife who we know through our bridge group.
Yesterday afternoon we went to the mall in search of new Crocs for J and some work shoes for me. We lost out on both of those, but J had a chair massage and I used a coupon at Bath & Body Works, thus putting me in the red with pocket money. But, they are discontinuing the scent I have used FOREVAH--Pearberry! I remember when that scent was new, back during my 2nd year of college. I worked at B&BW while in college, too. It was a fun job.
Last night I indulged in "reality" TV --but I shall not tell you what because of the startling lack of moral fiber and/or snide comments.
Be sure to listen to "A Prairie Home Companion" next Saturday, October 18 (or the replay at noon on Sunday)--the broadcast is live from Moody Coluseum at the grand-Mecca--ACU! GK is the man, and I'm sure he'll have some great jokes. BH, I'm jealous that you get to go!

"December 24, 9 p.m. Eastern Standard Time"

2008-09-29T13:19:00.006-05:00

I'm obsessed. Most of you already know this. Now the question is--how do I articulate what it means? RENT is my show, and has been since I first heard it sharing a doob (yes, it happened, get over it. Forget Regret.) with JD in his room in Oklahoma back in '95. I knew it was something, but I couldn't put my finger on its impact just yet. I still don't think I can, but this is an attempt.

As a young musician and coming off of a wonderful theatre experience, I thought at one time it was something I might go into as a profession. This show appealed to me on a small level with the music and drive of the vocal performance. However, the appeal was enhanced by some of the taboo subjects and "artsy fartsy" element that is less present in shows like Miss Saigon or Oklahoma. Yes, it has become commercial over its run the last 12 years on Broadway, but that doesn't seem to matter so much (although in theory it would go against the grain of Mark's anti-commercial attitude). RENT touched on all of the things I was curious about in my post-adolescent journeys into adulthood: drugs, art, disease, social consicence, community, sex, emotion. In the height of my artistically stimulated youth, I was transformed by the amount of rebellion and excitement with which RENT presented me.

Jonathan Larson (the deceased author/composer) would himself tell you that a lot of it is a direct rip off of Puccini's La Boheme, but it is made modern in the set of NYC's East Village. Tuburculosis is exchanged for HIV, with a drag queen and performance artist thrown in for good measure. I wanted so much to haul my cookies to New York and set about finding this life of the artist! I can not tell you how many times I dreamed up various scenarios in my head! I laugh now at my grandiose dreams--it was such a long time ago.

I remember being embarassed that my friends and family would preach to me about what they would surely think of as morality issues in the show, but that seems to be nothing more than a side-note, in my opinion. I take the central themes of "Forget Regret" and "No Day But Today" with me much further than the fact that some of the principle characters are gay/bi/transgender or whatever. Also, I find an astounding commentary on the days when HIV was first known as an epidemic. I was shown the bare bones of what aids paitents deal with--Will I loose my dignity?
Will someone care?

Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

With the closing on Broadway earlier this month, and our viewing of the last show (via special engagement (at the 11th street lot?) at theatres)--they recorded the final show for viewing--I've had earworms of the songs since last week--most notably Finale B and Without You. My friend, J-Dub commented that "...they spend the whole first act finger pointing and blaming everyone else for their problems..." to which I responded "They tackle that in the second act." and they do--we see the principles deal with their personal issues and watch their community fall apart around them, including death. They eventually come to the sort-of Carpe Diem moment and realize they can only live for today.

Perhaps RENT is the Hair for my generation. I don't know. I wanted to write something about it and share my love of it, but it is difficult to share with you how much it has touched my life. This is about as cheese-tastic as it gets, my friends. I'll share a couple of more memories:

The first time I saw the show was at the Majestic Theatre in Dallas in 97. I wore (not a joke) a fake leather skirt, black fishnets over dark hose, burgundy loafers with chunky heels, a velour shirt with stripes and a FEATHER BOA. I wept when Roger sang "Glory" and was generally overwhelmed at the whole thing. I saw it 3 other times during that run.

The first time I saw the show at the Nederlander in NYC was in 2000. I went alone, and remember wearing a red corduroy jacket with jeans and Doc Martens. I seriously wept sitting in that theatre--I was there. I saw it on Broadway again in 2001 with JB.

The movie is good, but something about the stage production just moves me more and more. Selections that are my favorite:

Glory

Will I

Seasons of Love

Take Me or Leave Me

What You Own

La Vie Boheme (not for the faint of head and/or heart)

I'm happy to lend out the libretto, too. It is increasingly difficult for me to explain what music means to me, and perhaps that is okay--the music itself is supposed to be the expression. I love musical theatre in all its cheese, but this one is my all-time favorite. You may have noticed on several blogs that I sign off with a particular phrase...and it used to be in my email signatures, too. It is from RENT.

Give Love.

The Happiness Project?

2008-09-22T12:51:00.006-05:00

I've never been an outright jovial person. I used to think those who were do-gooders, perpetually happy, Nancy nice types were quite fake. In fact, I used to take a lot of pride in the fact that I was honest about my feelings and flung them about haphazzardly, not caring who I injured and/or made uncomfortable in the process. I still deal with a little bit of that these days, though not as much as before. I prescribed to Dr. House's theory..."Niceness is a symptom."

I ran across an article in this month's issue of Real Simple (yes, I have a subscription and I love it). The title is "10 Ways To Be Happier." I will say that the article is outside the realm of faith-based pursuits, but it appealed to a practicle side of me...very nuts-and-bolts things that bring the focus away from the damaging, argumentative, self-aggrandising attitudes that often pervade my daily routines.

The list is as follows (in the voice of the author, Gretchen Rubin, my comments in YELLOW):
1) Don't start with profundities. When I began my Happiness Project, I realized pretty quickly that, rather than jumping in with lengthy daily meditations or answering deep questions of self-identity, I should start with the basics like going to sleep at a decent hour and not letting myself get too hungry. Science backs this up; these two factors have a big impact on happiness.

2) Do let the sun go down on anger. What? I had always scrupulously aired every irritation as soon as possible, to make sure I vented all bad feelings before bedime. Studies show, however, that the notion of anger catharsis is poppycock. Expressing ager related to minor, fleeting annoyances just amplifies bad feelings, while not expressing anger often allows it to dissipate. I have followed the trend expressing anger until I felt better--which I never do.

3) Fake it till you feel it. Isn't this like lying? Feelings follow actions. If I'm feeling low, I deliberately act cheery, and I find myself actually feeling happier. If I'm feeling angry at someone, I do something thoughtful for them and my feelings toward them soften. This strategy is uncannily effective. I don't know about this. It simply feels awkward.

4) Realize that anything worth doing is worth doing badly. Challenge and novelty are key elements of happiness. The brain is stimulated by surprise, and successfully dealing with an unexpected situation give a powerful sense of satisfaction. People who do new things--learn a game, travel to unfamiliar places--are happier than people who stick o familiar activities that they already do well. I often remind myself to "enjoy the fun of failure" and tackle some daunting goal. I don't like to fail at anything. I'll talk myself out of being a failure. Perhaps there is merit to trying a new thing--and I don't mean like trying a new restaurant.

5) Don't treat the blues with a "treat." Often the things I choose as "treats" arent' good for me. The pleasure lasts a minute, but then feelings of guilt and loss of control and other negative consequences deepen the lousiness of the day. While it's easy to think, I'll feel good after I have a few glasses of wine...a pint of ice cream...a cigarette...a new pair of jeans, it's worth pausing to ask whether this will truly make things better. Amen sister. I'm the queen of self-medicating.

6) Buy some happiness. Our basic psychological neesd include feeling loved, secure and good at what we do and having a sense of control. Money doesn't automatically fill these requirements, but it sure can help. I've learned to look for ways to spend money to stay in closer contact with my family and friends; to promote my health; to work more efficiently; to eliminate sources of irritation and marital conflict; to support important causes; and to have enlarging experiences. For example, when my sister got married, I splurged on a better digital camera. It was expensive, but it gave me a lot of happiness bang for the buck. I would be remiss as a Dave Ramsey disciple if I did not say make sure it's in the budget, first!

7) Don't insist on the best. There are two types of decision makers. Satisficers (yes, satisficers) make a decision once their criteria are met. When they find a hotel or the pasta sauce that has the qualities they want, they're satisfied. Maximizers want to make the best possible decision. Even if they see a bicycle or a backpack that meets their requirements, they can't make a decision until they've examined every option. Satisficers tend to be happier than maximizers. Maximizers expend more time and energy reaching decisions, and they're often anxious about their choices. Sometimes good enough is good enough. I'm a Maximizer.

8) Exercise to boost energy. I knew, intellectually, that this worked, but how often have I told myself "I'm just too tire to go to they gym"? Exercise is one of the most dependable mood-boosters. Even a 10-minute walk can brighten my outlook. I know, I know.

9) Stop nagging. I knew my nagging wasn't working particularly well, but I figured that if I stopped, my husband would never do a thing around the house (oh, I'm sooooooo guilty. No one's even here and I'm blushing at how guilty I am of this.) Wrong. If anything, more work got done. Plus, I got a surprisingly big happiness boost from quitting nagging. I hadn't realized how shrewish and angry I had felt as a result of speaking like that (it's true, I do, and I didn't realize it either. I thought I was trying to be productive) I replaced nagging with the following persuasive tools: wordless hints (for example leaving a new lightbulb on the counter); using just one word (saying "Milk!" instead of talking on and on); not insisting that something be done on my schedule; and, mnoste effective of all, doing a task myself. Why did I get to set the assignments? Gentle readers, it is at this point that I'm sure all husbands/partners across the world have united and written this article.

10) Take action. Some people assume happiness is moslty a matter of inborn temperament: You're born an Eyore or Tigger, and that's that (this has been my general assumption for years). Although it's true that genetics play a big role Ha! See! about 40 percent of your happiness level is within your control Oh. Taking time to reflect, and conscious steps to make you rlife happier, really does work. So use these tips to start your own happiness project. I promise it won't take you a whole year.

__________________________________________________________________

So this is the part where I'd say bollocks to the whole deal. But, I enjoyed the article, and I hope you do to. I'll give it a try. Gotta give credit--author: Gretchen Rubin, published in the October 2008 issue of Real Simple, p. 204.

Update Post Ike

2008-09-15T13:30:00.002-05:00

Thursday, 9/11, 7:00 p.m.: Jeremy and I pack a few items, round up the dogs, and head north to the Woodlands to A & K's apartment. We're too far south of Houston to feel comfortable staying home, but not in an evacuation zone. We meet at A & K's, have a cocktail and watch the news unfold and head to bed.

Friday, 9/12: An uneventful day. We watch the news, go out for a drive to Target and Kroger and breakfast, play Monopoly and watch a movie. K makes awesome chili we enjoy for lunch/dinner around 3. We head to bed around 11, still having full power. At around 2 a.m., I get up from the air matress and go to the couch. I'm starting to get restless and nervous. At 3:30 a.m., we loose power. I get in the shower (I'm worried about losing water) and doze back off on the couch. I'm awakened several times by the winds and rain and very restless.

Saturday, 9/13: We all wake up. No power, but the water seems to be fine. We hang around talking and looking through magazines, and eventually get in the car and drive around because we want to be in air conditioning. After a brief drive, we come back to the apartment and doze a bit--and we eat a lot of snacks we don't have to cook. We wake in the afternoon and play Skip-Bo. After Skip-Bo, we decide to go for another drive to see if something is open. Nothing is. By this time, the heat is beginning to be oppressive. We go back to the apartment and attempt to get the charcoal grill going, which Jeremy and A eventually do. We enjoy grilled hot dogs and try to play Phase 10. We quit about halfway through and shower again and attempt to sleep. It was a rough night. The air was so still that even though you weren't moving, you were sweating.

Sunday, 9/14: Jeremy and I finally get up and shower yet again (cold showers rule.). Around 9 a.m. we decide to pack up and head home. We thank A & K profusely, clean up our junk and take Beltway 8 all the way around the city to our house. A & K eventually head to Dallas so as not to sit in the heat. We see a lot of damage on our drive home...down trees, structures torn up, down power lines, flooding, you name it. We arrive at home and thankfully there is no damage to the house. We have a spot on our fence to fix, and a bit of loose siding, but that's it. No power. We go in to the church. There are about 35 people there, worshipping and having communion. We see that there is substantial damage to the property there, but there is power. Jeremy assists others in unscrewing pews and moving them. M & L have the idea to go get food, so I ride with them to Scholtzky's and we bring back provisions for the group. After that we go home for a while. I knock back 2 excedrin migrane (lack of caffiene...), Jer has yet another shower and we snore like cavemen--he in the recliner and me on the couch. We wake up all hot and sweaty (again) and decide to spend the night in the church office, which had no damage and had power. We pack up again, clean out the freezer and fridge and head to the church. B meets us there and stays, too. We eat hot pockets and toaster strudels and watch the news and play cards. Eventually we inflate the air mattress once again and head to sleepytime land.

Monday, 9/15: Jer wakes around 5:30, cleans up and heads to the hospital. He's been called off of his regular service to take admits from 7 a-7 p. I doze until 7 and get up. I deflate the mattress and pack up, and clean up in the bathroom, washing my hair in the kitchen sink. B and I stow the dogs in an unused classroom where they will be away from major traffic and will settle down and hopefully sleep. We make coffee and cinnamon rolls (cast-offs from our various fridges) and watch a bit more of the news. Eventually I make my way to my desk and get the day started. Lots of people from the neighborhood realize we have power and are charging cell phones at the outside plugs. A smattering of volunteers arrives and begin assisting with clean up of branches and down trees. We're waiting for insurance adjusters to arrive and assess the damage.

As of right now, we are fine. No 27 hr. evacuations, no dead car batteries, none of that this time. We still do not have power at home, but the outside temp has dropped dramatically! It's supposed to be in the low 60s at night, very comfortable for us to stay home, even with no power. It's all been such a crazy thing. Galveston is all but gone. Even the memorial from the 1900 hurricane is gone (who builds a memorial to a storm, anyway?), and the Balanese. Of course, there are the usual blame games on FEMA, the Red Cross, etc., but I feel as if most people are being patient and working together. Very little news of looters.

That's it for now. It's okay to call us, but cell phone reception is spotty at best. We have some access to email through work, so email is okay too.

Tagged by Jenny

2008-09-09T21:14:00.002-05:00

What's your favorite salad dressing? Bleu Cheese

Have you ever smoked Heroin? NO.

Favorite Holiday? Christmas!

Favorite drink at Sonic? Strawberry Coke (regular, not diet)

Do you get nervous before Dr. appointments? Yes. Ironic, isn't it?

What do you think of hot dogs? I love them! We've been eating turkey dogs lately. Tofu dogs are gross.

Favorite Christmas Song: O Come, O come, Immanuel

What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee or Perrier

Can you do push-ups? Some. It's not pretty.

Can you do a chin up? No. Shut up.

What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My clauddaugh necklace from Jeremy.

Favorite hobby? Scrapbooking!!

Ever been in a car wreck? Yes, several.

Do you have ADD? Well, I never used to think so, but...hey! shiny stuff!

What's the one thing you love about yourself? I'm a good reader.

Middle name? Suzanne

Name 3 things you bought yesterday? Nothing. Dave Ramsey, foos!

Current worry? Will we ever have a baby?

Current hate? Politics.

Favorite Restaurant? A loaded question. In Houston, Lupe Tortilla or Nit Noi.

How did you bring in the New Year? Dinner at the Daltons, trivia with the (almost) Bells.

Where would you like to go? To Portland to see Snitty's new baby girl, Lilli!

What's your favorite food? Tie between salami and pasta.

What's something exciting in your life? The possibility of being debt free!

What shirt are you wearing now? Old pink Abercrombie & Fitch tee.

Do you like to sleep on satin sheets? No. Too slippery.

Can you whistle? Yes.

Favorite color? Green!

Would you be a pirate? No.

What songs do you sing in the shower? Zeppelin, baby!

Favorite girl's name? Elinor

Favorite boy's name? Julian

What's in your pocket? Nothing, no pockets on these shorts.

Last thing that scared you? Crazy drivers on the way to work this morning.

Favorite TV show? Also loaded--right now, Psych.

Do you love where you live? Pretty much, although the city is starting to make me tired.

How many TVs in your house? 2

Who is your loudest friend? I'm usually the loud friend. I don't know...Lu maybe.

How many pets do you have? 3. 2 dogs, 1 goldfish.

Do you have any tats or piercings? Yes. Pierced ears, tat on left leg (a trinity knot or triquetra)

What's your husband's name? Jeremy.

What is something you can't live without? Air.

What is your favorite candy? Whoppers.

What is your favorite sport to watch? Baseball.

What were you doing at midnight last night? Snoring probably

What's your favorite store? Tie between Archiver's and Hobby Lobby.

First thing you thought of when you woke up? Make the alarm stop!

What time is it? 9:33.

I tag: April, Jenn, Kelly R., Tricia

He's a What? He's A What? He's a Music Man!

2008-08-26T11:08:00.004-05:00

(That's me, front row, left)

Flashback, 1991-92. I'm a Freshman in High School, participating in my first ever "big" production--The Music Man. This was the second year that our High School had revived doing a yearly muscial. The year before, when I was an 8th grader, they did Oklahoma, and I remember our 8th grade choir were ushers for the show...and watching each performance anxious for the time when I could participate! Being a bit of a choir nerd, these musicals were the higlight of my high school years. However, this particular show has connected me with a dear friend who I met in college. Perhaps I'll blog later about High School musicals and post some pictures and whatnot. There are a few on the Facebook page.

On Friday I flew to Dallas after work. Rocky picked me up at the airport (another excellent friend from college). We drove through Dallas checking out some of our old haunts. Deep Ellum is a ghost town now--I remember the day when you couldn't get a parking spot that wasn't 1/2 a mile away, and the streets were so crowded you couldn't get around. Now it is just a sad, sad dumpy little neighborhood. Anyway, we headed up to Addison and met Marshall (yet another from the SALTeens/DCC days...). We gorged ourselves on excellent mediterranean food. We then drove over to DCC and prowled the campus for a few minutes, commenting on the changes, reminiscing on funny things.

Saturday morning Rock and I got up early and had breakfast with my former youth minister, Jeff (who now works in the Alumni dept of school). It was wonderful to see him, and we had more laughs and top notch migas and coffee from Cafe Brazil. I'm glad the Lou Gherig poster passed through my family. :) Rock and I hit the road around 10 and drove to Lubbock. Took us about 5 hours on the nose...we arrived in Lubbock around 3, even with all my pit stops. Halfway through the ride, Rock was sorry I'd eaten those migas. HA!

We get to Lubbock, find our venue for the evening, get tickets, and rest. At 6:30, we head to an outdoor amphitheatre. We were there to surprise our friend Stephen who was performing the rold of Harold Hill in The Music Man. We see him walk into the stage area, and I holler "Stephen!" and he flips! The look of astonishment and gladness on his face when he came over to hug us was great! We settled back in to our chairs and watched the show. It was so so so so good! I was singing along in my head for the whole thing. I was reminded so many times of my participation in that show 16 (oh Lord...) years ago. But Steve-o was made for that role. His voice is so much richer than when we sang in college. I was head-over-heels proud of him.

It's strange how you connect (re-connect) with people as you grow older. Stephen and I weren't particularly attached at the hip during college, but we were friends. We walked together in Linz and LT's wedding, we did dinner theatre together, and choir tour and that sort of stuff. After Jer and I got to see him in Santa Fe last April, there's been much more realization of how much we have in common with him...and not just me, Jer too! They've got the Tech connection, not to mention both of their voices are stunning. It's a nice feeling. Now I've got the itch to do community theatre in Lubbock when we move next year. Who knows? Maybe I'll get to do a show with Stephen & Jer. Wouldn't that be the bees knees?

After the show, we went out for a while. I spent the night with my sister-in-law and got to see my nieces. They are adorable, and Tori started kindergarten yesterday. We ate breakfast together, then Rock and I piled back in the car and headed for Dallas. My flight was leaving for home around 7:30, and we got into Dallas around 4:30. Rock had in mind to take me to a few more places we used to frequent back in the day--the soda shop in Oak Cliff, Eatzi's in Oak Lawn. I flew home to Houston that evening.

It was a fun, fast weekend full of memories and laughter. "Remember that time when..." has never been repeated so much in the history of the world. Ever. Shipoopi!

U-N-I-T-Y

2008-08-18T08:58:00.010-05:00

Christians like to talk a lot about unity. The "body" of Christ and "kingdom" of God are powerful images used by preachers and teachers throughout modern evangelical Christianity--taken from the scriptures and used as motivation for bringing people together. When I was a kid, I used to thing of different parts of Sunday actvities making up different parts of the human body...nursery arms, Sunday school legs, sermon shoulders, etc. (this probably harkens back to learning about the armor of God and the flannel graph of a soldier putting on the breastplate of righteousness.).

Unity is difficult. There is no shortage of dissention among Christians-which can then even be broken down into squabbles among denominations (being somewhat ecumenically minded, I do not even enjoy the word denomination). Outside of the need to believe Jesus, I fail to understand why ministry of believers has to be "right." Missions, politics, societal notions, music, academics, communion (Eucharist), authority, race, location, gender, history--all of these things and undoubtedly more-while not divisive in and of themselves-serve as platforms for disunity. Ephesians serves as the grand-daddy instruction manual for unity. Chapter 4 is all the body imagery, parsing out that some are meant for this and others for that. It isn't condemnational in tone--rather it is simple and straightforward.

A study of I Corinthians pointed me toward an answer. This passage is from Chapter 1 v. 20 ff:

20Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? 21For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. 22Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, 23but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, 24but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. 25For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength. 26Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. 27But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, 29so that no one may boast before him. 30It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. 31Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

Christ crucified is enough. It is enough no matter:
· where you live
· what you wear
· how you eat
· what church you attend
· what friends you have
· who you vote for
· who you work for
· where you shop
· what color your skin is
· what country you are from
· what version of the bible you read
· how your past looks
· who criticizes you
· how guilty you feel
I am guilty of using all of the above to promote my beliefs. I am chief among sinners. I can be judgemental and rude. I have considered those who aren't like me unworthy of being included. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of people thinking "Oh, I include everyone in my world...if they are just like me." We've got to get over it and get over ourselves. I’m sick of caring about stupid things and about people’s preferences being given theological absoluteness. Paul says above that the wisdom of God supercedes all pettiness and worldly wisdom. Most of the time I wish I knew better how to put this into practice--how to let the gospel of Christ crucified permeate my decisions.
This is meant to stimulate discussion and explore ideas. If the ideas seem too vauge, I invite you to post your comments and continue the discussion. I have edited this post three times and I'm still not sure it communicates correctly...syntax and emotion are hard to read over typed words.

Psych

2008-08-12T10:43:00.005-05:00

I love to laugh. I enjoy sharing things I find funny, hoping that others will enjoy a laugh, too. Psych is one of the funniest television shows I have seen! Jeremy discovered it a while back, and on his recommendation, I've been hooked for 3 seasons now (although "seasons" on USA are differend than network seasons...they are a lot shorter. I don't know why. A season usually consists of 8-10 eps. Maybe this is because it is a summer show? I don't know).

The show centers around Shawn Spencer (green shirt in photo, played by James Roday-a Texan!) and Burton "Gus" Guster (grey jacket played by Dule Hill of West Wing fame). Shawn is sort-of a wanderer, having held lots of jobs but has a SHORT attention span. Shawn's dad-Henry Spencer (played by Corbin Bernsen of Major League and LA Law fame) used to be a detective for the Santa Barbara police. Since childhood, Henry has trained Shawn (many times hilariously against his will) in areas of observation, deduction and problem solving. Shawn has become so good at it, that he takes advantage of his skills and bills himself as a psychic.

Shawn's best friend is Gus. Gus has a career as a drug rep for a pharmaceutical company. He is very intelligent and serves as the foil for Shawn's antics, although often times winds up with witticisms that outshine Shawn's--not to mention a real cutie!

Both guys grew up in Santa Barbara together. They decide to set up a detective agency of their own called...ready for it?...Psych. They fool people into thinking Shawn is a psychic and solve crimes. Often times they are hired by the PD for assistance, much to the chagrin of SBPD's head detective, Carlton Lassiter (played by Timothy Omundson). He is wound tighter than a cuckoo clock--and his partner Juliet O'Hara (played by Maggie Lawson). Juliet is Shawn & Gus's age, and there's a bit of spark around Shawn and Juliet, but nothing overt yet.

Okay, enough introduction. The show is so well written! It's loaded with pop-culture references from my lifetime. Of course, it helps that Shawn and Gus gradutated from high-school in the same year as me and Jeremy. A sampling of stuff referenced: Airwolf; TGIF-you know, with Step-by-Step, Full House, Family Matters; My Two Dads; Atari. There's an ongoing gag with pineapples. At the end of the shows, they do a bit called "Psych-Outs" in which Shawn and Gus sometimes sing and make fake videos. The most recent installment was Ebony & Ivory . Others are: Electric Avenue, Pass the Dutchie, Deck the Halls, etc (all available at You-Tube and the USA website).

Psych is a fluffy, funny, Friday evening unwind kind of show. Right now, it is my 2nd favorite show, right behind The Office. It's perfect with a Domino's (Avoid the Noid!) pizza and a Crystal Pepsi. Unless, of course, you watch it and hate it. In which case, you didn't hear about it from me.

Pysch

9:00 p.m. (central)

USA

PS-my fish are named Shawn and Gus. Weirdly, the promos for this season of Psych show the actual Shawn and Gus looking through a goldfish tank. Great minds people, great minds!

Pleasantville

2008-07-31T14:30:00.002-05:00

We have returned from a trip to the homeland of my ancestors--Southern Illinois. It was a good visit for a variety of reasons.

Will & Alana were there.
We got to attend a Southern Illinois Miners game--Frontier League baseball. Coal mining used to be a huge industry in that region--my Granddad Lazzeri was a miner, and so was my step-mother's dad, Rex Wasson and my great-uncle, Ed Warfel. It's a rich part of their history. It seems fitting that the team is the Miners. Laura's friend Frank gave us outstanding tickets--we were one row behind home plate! The Miners were getting beaten by the Gateway Grizzlies (from STL), but managed to rally after the 6th, scoring 6 runs to win it by 1 run in the 9th. Ask me about playing "props" with the blow-up pick axe that was the give-away that night.
We finally got to meet Lucy Danger Klithermes-my cousin's gorgeous baby girl (although she will call me aunt Beth). She's brilliant and beautiful and funny and sweet and all the things you'd expect from a cherub.
We got to swim with Kristin (Luci's momma) and Nick, our cousins. It felt strangely like when we were kids swimming in Aunt Becky's pool (she was with us too!).
We ate Sunday dinner family style at the Giant City Lodge. It was wonder-yummy: fried chicken, dumplings, cole slaw, rolls, corn, green beans, mashed potatoes, dessert.
Me, Jer, Nick and Becky played poker with our loose change. Jer came out the big winner.
Me, Jer, Grandpa Warfel and Grandma Lazzeri played a marathon round of pinnochle. Grandpa and Jer smoked me and Granma...we never had a chance, we simply didn't get the cards! Oh, the trash talk was superb.
We ate salami, tuma cheese, macaroni and tomatoes, Maquettes (hard rolls). This is the food of my peoples. Viva Italia! Or Viva SI. Whatever.
We got to attend church with Laura in Herrin. I was blessed by Ron Henwood's message. Ron is a man of God. I was doubly blessed that my granmda Lazzeri agreed to come to church with us, and that she wanted to partake in communion with me. She's had a rough couple of years (a story of its own), but I was overwhelmed by holding her hand in the service.
We sorted, packed and hauled the last of mom and dad's belongings and brought them home. Will took the dining room table and chairs to our brother Scott in Tulsa. I pray that they have many many meals around it, sharing in fellowship with friends and family. We brough home a chiffrobe, a rocking chair, my grandmother's hope chest, a beautiful washstand, and the pew that used to sit in my dad's office that now sits in mine. I have 5 tubs of paperwork to sort through from dad's filing cabinets. I found a sweet file full of personal notes and cards that people had given to pop over the years. There were several from me and my brothers when we were children, some from friends, some from his mentors...it was a treat to read them. Now what to do with 25 years of sermon notes?

Jeremy was such a trooper. He drove to Illinois hauling an empty trailer, he drove home hauling a full one (plus a sleepy wife). He put up with my shenannigans. He and Will worked like mad men arranging and packing furniture and boxes. Thanks guys.

I shed only a few tears going through things. Mostly I'm happy to have it over with, and have some of my family's things to display in my own home. Expect a dinner invitation soon.

Give Love.

Portal

2008-07-15T13:17:00.003-05:00

I love live music. There is something about a show coming together that borders on choreography...everone doing their thing at the right time. And more often than not, I'm glad I was there to witness this conglomeration of work, rehearsal, sweat, passion and magic.

In two short weeks (and change) I get to see John Mayer at the CWM Pavilion in the Woodlands. I credit Lu with playing me Room For Squares back on that long van trip to RockCleft back in the day...but, this isn't a blog about Mayer per se, although he was the catalyst for this outpouring.

I should note, before further pontification, that not all who perform live are "musicians." Yes, I mean you Hillary Duff, Lindsay Lohan, Don Johnson, Eddie Murphy, Miley Cyrus, etc. Not to say that your work isn't enjoyable to some (hey, I own my cheese, but at least Richard Marx played/wrote his own bidness...)--but when you are a product of a corporation or a manufactured star, please don't try to sell it to us like you are a real musician. Own it and say "Hey, I've got 50 corporate sponsors, didn't write a lick of this, and sing with a pitch corrector, but hey, let's Party All the Time." Then it's mostly all good. It is what it is.

Live shows are full of excitement and anticipation. First of all, you get to see someone you admire in their element. Whether at a club or a stadium, the performer is in their zone. Secondly, fans feed on the excitement of other fans, and for a little while you share something in common with a mass group and no one is left out, no one feels heavy, you're all there for that one thing. Also, at live shows, people's inhibitions hit the ground at the entryway (whether that's chemically induced or not is not the point) and freedom ensues. Rock, Rap, Chamber music or Country, folks let their guard down at a show. It is relaxed. Everyone just wants to groove.

And finally, the music. The sweet strains of magic float up from the stage and you are wisked away to the place where you first heard, the memory, the connection. Stage shows consist of a group of people conjuring and casting spells--and if mistakes are made, you'd never know (unless you happen to be at a post-Creed Scott Stapp show). Admittedly, some reach such superstar status that we don't care if they sing "Humpty Dumpty," we just want to see them perform. To reach the heights of this craft must be electrifying.

Live shows I have seen, rated on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best):
Fleetwood Mac-10 (and the only one in any particular order...they were AMAZING).
Edwin McCain-8
Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers-8
Vertical Horizon-7
John Mayer-7
Creed-7
Rich Mullins-10 (all 3 times)
Amy Grant-8
Indigo Girls-10
Blues Traveler-9
Matchbox Twenty-7
Dave Matthews Band-9
Jane's Addiction-7
NIN-5 (I'm not a big fan, but it was a fun night for other reasons. Dude has a phat bus).
This is just a sampling of the live music I've seen--I think it would be impossible to remember every club, festival, pub and place that I've seen music performed.

What are your favorites? Are you a show-goer or stay-at-home for the Hi-Fi experience? Do you prefer clubs or big venues? Share your magic.

Picks and Pans

2008-06-24T13:00:00.002-05:00

Things I like*:

Saturday mornings with Jeremy.
Jeremy's Laugh.
Jeremy's singing voice.
Bodies of water--the ocean, lakes, rivers, swimming pools, etc. I'm drawn to water.
Summertime
Any time spent with April, Jenn, Luci or Lorinna.
Sunday evenings at IHOP.
My bridge group.
New scrapbooking supplies.
Dogs.
Sitting at the feet of a good teacher.
Libraries and Half-Priced Books.
Learning new things (the easy way, of course).
New shoes.
Dialogue that stays open.
Songs sung in church that give me goosebumps.
The teen group at SWC.
Surprises.
Wooing (or should it read "To be wooed"?)
Concerts
Wine and smelly cheese
Music
Trivia shows (Jeopardy mostly. Gives me something to talk about with my Grandpa).
Spending time with Will & Scott.
Traveling
Foods others might consider grody: bologna, braunschweiger, vienna weiners.
Television and movies (although not necessarily celebrities unless I find them particularly interesting. Right now they include Craig Ferguson and Steve Carrell.)

Things I don't like**:

Arachnids
Applesauce, tapioca, pimento cheese, jello with stuff in it, head cheese
Books that are too boring to keep reading.
Insincerity
Foil (A perfectly useful thing, so this takes some explaning--for some reason I think of chewing on it...and it makes my fillings hurt, like I had brushed a fork across them...I don't know. It's odd.)
Summer television.
The fear of bad news (some might say I live in perpetual fear at times, the "waiting for the other shoe to fall" syndrome, which I try to cover with cynicism, but it doesn't work.)
Losing friends.
Making plans that have to be cancelled.
Living far away from my brothers.
Sorting through my parent's belongings (bittersweet, yes, but not entirely desirable).
Not being able to tell if someone is joking with me.
Folding laundry.
Layla (as recorded by Eric Clapton with Derek and the Dominoes).
Rod Stewart

*, **: Items on each list are subject to change at the writer's discretion.

Picture Pages II

2008-06-13T15:37:00.011-05:00

Tori & Uncle Jeremy (this melts my stone cold heart to complete goo. I love it!)

I LUZZZ my Jason (Soggy). Burda (aka J's wife, Sarah), we wish you were here,
but you gotta have that beautiful baby so Aunt Jer and Uncle Beth can
spoil her!

I'm in an Astros Sandwich! Help!
(Jer and my Soggy)

My brother Will fell asleep in the car.

Xan adnd me playing Phase 10.

Jeremy and Steve-o. "We owned the room."

Tori (on vacation in Santa Fe)

Plainly Stated

2008-05-19T09:07:00.002-05:00

Let me make 2 disclosures before I write: 1) I am sick. I have a sore throat and head cold that came on like gangbusters last night. If there are misspellings and incorrect grammar, you'll have to let it slide this time (although my previous blog about grammar/spelling shows that I have no grace, but I sure as heck want some). 2) These thoughts are general musings on specific instances in MY life. If I choose to give details and whatnot, I will. Most times I write for the satisfaction of unburdening myself, not to call anyone out (although I don't hesitate to do that when the situation warrants--character flaw or refreshingly honest? You decide). If you can relate, good! If you learn something new about yourself, good! If you learn something new about me, good! If you want to pick it apart and look for specifics when I don't give them, not so good. I will say that I never intend to hurt feelings or provoke anger.

Several topics for today:
-Jeremy is awesome. I love him more and more every day, in ways even I don't understand. His generosity, grace, unconditional love and overwhelming goodness always inspire me to be a better person. I often think of him as the "better" person in our relationship. However, I think we compliment one another more than anything. He is the friend I was always looking for, and the one person whose opinion matters to me more than anyone else. We aren't perfect--we've had some arguments that have been flat-out gross. He always forgives and picks me up.

-I'm tired of failed relationships. If you don't want to be my friend, don't pretend that you do. I've made enough mistakes in the realm of friendships, and I don't need any more. It's interesting, but in these instances I tend to blame myself more than the other person. I automatically assume that I'm the gulity party. There have been instances that I WAS the guilty party, and I suppose those instances have made me paranoid (no jokes AC and JB...) that I'm ALWAYS the one that has done wrong. This is detrimental on several levels--a) it leaves you open to be a doormat and the one who always takes the blame and b) one can come across as wishy-washy (an amoeba if you will), not consisting of very much. YET-there are times when I am most certainly not the only person involved in wrongdoing (see, I can't even shovel it off on to someone else and make it their responsibility. Boundaries anyone?). All in all these things seem childish and immature. I am not in Junior High. I will be 31 this year. Enough is enough.

-Don't ask me to keep secrets from my husband. There are only two people in this world that if they asked me not to tell Jeremy something, I'd honor it, and they know who they are. Just know that if you tell me something and I need to process it verbally, Jeremy will be my sounding board. I don't lie to him, it is physically impossible for me to do (I have tried).

-There are a lot of friends from my past that I am missing right now. People I thought I'd be around forever. The reasons for our incommunication are varied--some are far away, some have a lot of things going on--life has led us in a wide array of directions. I miss you all. And yes, I'm not dumb enough to think I haven't offended people, I know I have. I miss you, too. I read an article over the weekend about making friends...and perhaps now I try too hard. In the past, it came naturally to me, and I miss that about myself. I'm learning new things about me all the time. Happily, I get to see some of said friends in about two weeks (my brothers included).

-I am too old to go to midnight movies without a nap first. Prince Caspian was good, but work the next morning wasn't. Two very enthusiastic thumbs up from me--go see it. Parents, check it out first to see if you want to take your kiddos under 10. There is a ton of fighting and a HELLA scary hag. Some kids might not mind, I wouldn't have, but be forewarned. It's pretty true to the book (with an extra fight scene thrown in here and there).

-Tell the important people in your life you love them. Give them support and encouragement and grace. Don't let the precious time you have go to waste. Cry at movies. Hug your family. Breathe in the good and exhale the noxious. Fill yourself to overflowing with the love of God and love for life. Live the phrase "As I have loved you."
Give Love.

Picture Show (mild spoiler alert)

2008-05-07T12:04:00.006-05:00

A couple of photos from Luci's wedding. That piece of hair falling over my eyebrown annoyed me all day long.

I love movies. I have seen two good ones lately, one new, one older. Below are my reviews. They may contain mild spoilers, but I'll keep it to a minimum. Don't read if you don't want to know.

Iron Man: I absolutely loved it. I don't know much about comic books (however I do like them), but that was okay in this case. Jon Favreau, already a favorite of mine, truly out did himself. Robert Downey, Jr. was SPOT ON casting. I had doubts about him as a "super hero" sort, but all of those doubts have been washed away with tears of joy!! I felt that the writing and delivery was acerbic and witty, the moral bits were delivered without being preachy, and the effects were amazing. Really amazing. I loved that Paul Bettany voices Jarvis. Even Gwyneth Paltrow was just right, although I don't know how she teetered around on those what have to be 5" heels. Guess it pays to be willowy. As for Mr. Downey, I've always enjoyed him as an actor, and I'm glad his personal life is on track (as far as we commoners know). From what I have read, he can readily relate to the character of Tony Stark, with past addictions, etc. Be sure to watch the last bit after the credits. Oh, the sequel possibilities are endless.

Casino Royale: I delayed seeing this for a long time, but it was on Showtime a couple of weeks back, and Daniel Craig was excellent as the budding 007. My parents were big fans of the franchise, and us kids watched a lot of the oldies during our childhood (Roger Moore being my favorite of that day). I like the idea of revisiting Bond's history though a modern lens. Although it makes me wonder if they'll continue in this vein and re-create all of the characters we already know. I was chatting with a friend recently and they said it's really difficult to tell people what they already know. I was unaware of the Vesper Lynde storyline, and I guess it is okay--but I like the though of Bond never being too attached. I guess this storyline created a plausible motive for his "unattachedness" in later adventures. Anyway, I thought the movie was smart, fun, and it held my interest. I'm keen to see what is done with Quantum of Solace due out in the fall.

Other films I'm looking forward to (two of them this month!): Prince Caspian, Indiana Jones: Crystal Skull, Tropic Thunder, Get Smart, Wall-E, Milk.

Playlist

2008-04-14T09:37:00.003-05:00

I let the lyrics speak for me, when I have no words. An excerpt from John Mayer's Belief from his recent album Continuum. The song is really about war, but I'm going in a different direction with it. I believe (no pun intended) that an artist would want you to interpret their art in whatever light you are in currently. So, I have applied this to my current thoughts.

v. 2

Belief is a beautiful armor,

But makes for the heaviest sword,

Like punching underwater,

You never can hit who you're trying for.

Some need the exhibition,

Some have to know they tried,

It's the chemical weapon,

For the war that's raging on inside.

Oh, everyone believes--

From emptiness to everything

Oh everyone believes--and no one's going quietly.

____________________________________________

Second, a small helping of early 90s Michael Card. I first heard this song while at school in Missouri, and it has stayed with me for a long time, although for a while I let go of its principles. It too applies to my recent thoughts.

Basin & The Towel

album: Poemia

In an upstairs room, a parable

Is just about to come alive

And while they bicker about who's best,

With a painful glance, He'll silently rise.

Their servant savior must show them how,

Through the will of the water

And the tenderness of the towel.

And the call is to community

The impoverished power that sets the soul free.

In humility we take the vow,

That day after day we must take up the basin and the towel.

In any ordinary place

On any ordinary day

The parable can live again

when one will kneel and one will yield.

Our servant savior must show us how

Through the will of the water

And the tenderness of the towel.

And the space between ourselves sometimes

Is more than the distance between the stars.

By the fragile bridge of the servant's bow

We take up the basin and the towel.

And the call is to community

The impoverished power that sets the soul free.

Day after day we take the vow,

And day after day we must take up the basin and the towel.

Prose and some angry questions

2008-03-28T15:42:00.004-05:00

I highly recommend this post on John Mayer's blog. Lyrically speaking, I think he's excellent. However, I much prefer this type of prose (if you can call it that). This speaks to the mind of my generation. I say mind because I'm beginning to think, that with the exception of a handful, we have lost heart.

____________________

Subject change: Ever asked these questions? I do, in my mind. I don't have a big enough set to ask them out loud. So, I'll leave them here, shrouded in mystery but no longer festering in my brain.

What makes you so great?

Who are you to dictate to me what to do and how to feel?

Do you even care that you have thrown it away?

Do you care that you have destroyed a part of me? A part that was already frail?

You have weakened my sense of trust.

Can we ever be intimate friends again?

Will it all be "on the surface" every time?

Or will we heal the wounds?

Will we be bold enough to be honest and consider friendship more important than opinions?

I don't know. All I know is that I miss you, and I don't know how to fix it.

I hate relinquishing control to you.

___________________________

Don't worry friends. We all need to vent.

Public Service Announcement

2008-03-25T10:24:00.003-05:00

PEOPLE!

A lot is two words "a lot" not alot.
An apostrophe "s" denotes ownership--posessive! Books not Book's. If you have an apostrophe, you can ask yourself, the book's what? I cannot tell you the number of times I have seen actual BUSINESSES violate this basic grammar rule! Another example: Have you seen those car's?" ANSWER: Those car's what?
SALE=things purchased at a discount. SELL=the transaction of purchasing items--as in "I'm going to sell this computer." NOT: "I bought this computer on sell."
It's=it is. (I have had trouble with this one before).
PREPOSITIONS DO NOT GO AT THE END OF SENTENCES--as in "Who are these cards for?"
IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO SPELL SOMETHING, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, LOOK IT UP. IT IS NOT AS IF YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO PULL THE DICTIONARY OFF OF THE SHELF ANYMORE...THERE ARE MANY DICTIONARIES AVAILABLE ONLINE.
Use legible penmanship.
Speak clearly. We will go over public speaking in a more advanced session.

Just say no to poor grammar skills.

Punctuated Palate

2008-03-13T21:34:00.002-05:00

Spring is here. I sit listening to my "Massive Attack" Pandora station. Man, this stuff begs me to bring on the introspection while listening. I pull a swig off of my Sam Adams, and ponder the conversation I had earlier today about drinking alone. Well, Jeremy's home, so I'm not technically alone, right? Oh you, queen of justification. I know you.

I joined facebook. I feel kind of like a tool for doing it. I actually have enjoyed catching up with college and high school friends. However, I'm very different now, or at least I feel different. Maybe not. Maybe that's a grand thought to think I've evolved in some way. I'm sure we all have.

Writing is stressful. Not stressful in the sense that it freaks me out, but in the sense that I have trouble sorting though my thoughts and making them coherent. At any given moment, there are at least 40 different trains of thought going through my brain. It's like trying to catch a hair falling--to reach out and grasp it and pull it in--there's no weight or resist to the thought--it just floats until I can give it some density.

But, I love to write. I love to make the words do what I say-think-feel. I've blogged about books before, yet I say again how profoundly they affect (effect?) my life. I love entertaining the thought that I can string the words together in the same way. Is it realistic? I don't know. I suppose I have enough material in my head for a book of some sort--but the arduous task of sorting through my mental heap is exhausting. On what topic would I write? Rock and roll? Pop-culture? Yeah, like those haven't been done a million times over. I don't even know enough to scratch the surface of those topics.

Or how about the tortured life of a 30-year-old orphan? Who is overweight? Who has no self-control? Who can't pray? Who has run off all her friends? Blah blah blah--it'd sell great. Full of self pity and loathing, a soaking sob-story that whores out her feelings for the universe to see--literally begging the world to feel sorry for her, seeking the approval that no one can give. Most of us pay money to see movies that do just this. Only the movies lie and tell us that there will be resolution. Bah.

I'm too ambivalent for my own good this 'eve. Not mad or angry, simply unsettled. I hit this wall at least once every couple of months. I feel as if I should be doing something, and then I sit, breathe, listen, and realize that I am doing something. I am living every day. I am thrusting my arms into the deep pool of which I cannot see the bottom. I am honest.

In the words of Trent: "Cocktails First. Questions Later." Love to you, my friends. Breathe deep.

Paying For It

2008-03-03T12:44:00.003-06:00

We are about to begin Dave Ramsey's "Financial Peace University." I have to say that it is something in which I never thought I'd be interested. However, I find myself interested in the whole process and actually looking forward to getting started.

Dave advocates paying off all of your debt, and becoming debt free--not by way of consolidating debts with a loan company or by using credit cards, but by taking your bills from the smallest to the largest and systematically paying them off. Apparently the course guides one through setting up a budget and essentially "trimming the fat" of of excess spending and what we think of as "needs" and putting that extra money toward debt. I've been listening to his radio show (AM 950 in Houston from 12-2 p.m.), and I find him refreshingly direct and simple. Some of the stories I've heard from his callers are insane--all I can say about that is listen for yourself. Aside from the times he goes into talking about tax rates and gets all mathematical, it is simple to follow.

Also, a lot of the callers talk about how the course improved their marriage as well as their pocketbooks. I believe that individuals can only display what they have learned (in terms of behavior). Money is part of that realm. Growing up, my family didn't have much. We always had a roof and food and electricity and television and all that, but as far as brand names, new cars, extra for spending, it just wasn't there. And, for the most part, we weren't taught about it until later--dealing with college financial aid, jobs, and insurance. Not to say that my parents were irresponsible about it, but I do think there were essential high points that were missed, at least until I entered college (which, one would suppose, is the natural point at which you being making some of these decisions for yourself, and beging learning about them). Once college came around, Laura spent countless hours explaning things to me, and even then, I'm not sure my 18-year-old brain caught it all. Some things simply come by living.

Marriage is the same--much of it you can't understand until you are in the midst of it. So, with this course, we hope to 1) get on the same page as a far as our monetary philosophies, and 2) clean up our debt and 3) get the extra bonus of communicating better.

I request your prayers this week. I've got to go or "get off the pot" with a few things, and it doesn't feel good.

Pontificate

2008-02-11T22:27:00.000-06:00

New year, new letter. Anyway, I've let the blog languish for a month or so...had nothing particularly pertinent to write about, which is somewhat refreshing. I tend to vent and write when I am mad, then you wind up with a rather large mess of meanderings that are a combination of my anger, my veiled attempts at creativity, and just plain boring.

Today is Jeremy's 31st birthday. I think he's most happy that our friends, the Daltons, had their little girl today. We love the Daltons! They are some of the only folks left here from medical school. Hopefully we'll get to meet little Talitha later this week. We had dinner with friends over the weekend to celebrate, and his phone has been ringing off the hook all day today! So, happy birthday my dear. I hope you have enjoyed your celebrations. It's good to see you so happy. Now, if we can just get you through step 3 of the USMLE (US Medical Licensing Exam) on Wednesday and Thursday.

It's a wonderfully rainy evening and I've had a bath with lavender in it, done some scrapbooking, and now blog while relxing with my husband and my dogs. I bought groceries tonight, too. Unfortunately, I shopped before I ate dinner, and that's never good. I must have come home with 4 different kinds of chips, a ton of fruit and vegetables, and various other items that might have surely identified me as one with the munchies of a certain sort. Right now there is a re-run of Scrubs on, and I love that show. Been watching since it first came on--when Friends was still on Thursdays. I'm kind of sad that this is the last season, but Turk, JD, Dr. Cox, Elliot, Carla, Laverne/Shirley, and Dr. Kelso will live on in syndication. Billy, if you read this, I know Cox is your hero, but he has better hair than you.

Okay, I guess it's time for sleep. Are your dreams vivid? Mine usually are. Most times I have near total recall of them. It's freaky. The weirdest are those of those who I know are deceased, yet there they are, walking and talking and doing stuff, and I don't question it. In the dream I think to myself "What are you doing here?"...and I know the situation is jacked up, but I don't do anything about it. Also, I dream a lot about people from my past mixed in with the people from my present. Nothing like having dinner with my 3rd grade teacher, my best friend from college, and the salesperson from the Gap last week. In my dreams I can also breathe underwater. My brother Will once told me that people didn't talk in his dreams. Now that's freaky. What's your weirdest dream?

Sleep tight, peeps.

Blank

2007-12-30T17:09:00.000-06:00

I'm thankful that 2007 is on its way out the door. It has been a long, hard, exhausting year, and I'm glad to see it go. I learned one too many lessons this year. I lost friends, gained other friends, completed a (should I say another) stint in therapy, took advice from those I consider wise sages, and was still full of unrest and unease. I have not been myself this year.

Yet I've grown in ways I could not have otherwise grown without these experiences. My husband is a man that I truly do not deserve--I cannot give him enough praise. We celebrate our 7th anniversary this week, and I honestly think at times he'd rather not deal with me--but he continues to do so in love and honesty and with grace, and I love him more than I ever thought possible to love another human. He teaches me every day what it is to love someone.

I finally went home to Oklahoma. And guess what? No boogie men jumped out at the state line and ate my face off or anything! Don Riepe has gained "peer " status with me, and I covet his prayers and pray for him. That name means nothing to most of you, but remember Don and his wife Jody in your prayers. They are servants of the kingdom, and helped me through visiting my home church once again. Don cried with me, prayed with me, and became the salve on my heart that day back in November.

My brother Scott asked his girlfriend Meggan to become his wife, and she accepted! We are thrilled. My other brother (Scott's twin) Will and his wife Alana continue to grow in their life together, and it is comforting to see them provide a light in the darkness to others with their lives and music. Laura is moving to the Chicago area, a new adventure for her ministry. Kristina (Jer's sister) will give birth to my new niece, Alyxandra Kay Lusk, on Jan 8. Holiday pics to follow in the coming days of my redheaded spitfire niece, Tori. She had a great Christmas, as did we. Michael & Luci are engaged and on their way to wedded bliss. I love you sister. Thank you for reaching me when I was slipping under the water.

I'm refreshed and renewed, and putting 07 out of my mind and heart forever. It is gone. I'm cradled in the grace of God and free to live my life once again. I'm me--cheesy old scrapbooking, music/film loving, reading, bad-joke telling me.

Today I give you the great cheesy goodness of Steven Curtis Chapman's "I am found in you."

The sun is sinking low

And her I go

Wrestling with questions that refuse an answer

This path of faith

Can be a place

So barren of what I understand.

I can hear

The voice of fear

Saying "Let me show you another way."

So I cry out, "My Lord Jesus!

It's in your love for me that I find all I need!"

So where else could I turn?

And where else could I go?

You have given me life

You have made me whole

You have rescued my soul

So where else could I go?

For I am found in you.

I may not see in front of me

But I can see for miles when I look over my shoulder.

And Lord its clear

You've brought me here

So faithful every step of the way.

What can I do but follow you

For you are the Way, the Truth, the Life,

So I cry out to you Lord Jesus

It's in your love for me that I find all I need.

So where else could I turn?

And where else could I go?

You have given me life.

You have made me whole.

You have rescued my soul.

So where else could I go?

For I am found in you.

_________________________

I was reminded today that I come from a place where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average.

Give love.

Boogers

2007-11-21T14:17:00.000-06:00

I blog on this day each year. 5 years ago today, my father died. Each year I say I will go through it easier--yet this is the first that I actually have.

For those of you that don't know, my father was a diabetic. Due to my mother's advanced illnesses, my pop ignored his own, and wound up blind from diabetic retinopathy and on kidney dialysis. Long story short, he needed a kidney, was denied donor status due to heart complications, and died at age 51.

But, dad loved to laugh. Today I'll remember some of the funny stuff (which is no doubt where my 12 year-old-boy sense of humor most likely originates).

When I was about 6 or 7, my dad had my mom give him a home perm. I'm not kidding. His hair looked like curly cobwebs. I have photographic evidence.
Dad loved Neil Diamond. He had a sort of rock back and forth sway thingy he did when listening to Neil.
Dad swore that cool ranch Doritos gave him gas. He always managed to eat some the night before a road trip.
Dad said that the dog PJ loved him. He'd say "Beth, PJ only likes you. He loves me." Probably because dad fed him cream cheese and let him lick his dinner plate.
Before dad would tickle me, he'd say "Daddy's....gonna....getchagetchagetcha!" He could do that over the phone and I'd break into hysterics. I'm giggling just thinking about it.
Dad told awful jokes that became jokes because they were so stupid.
Once dad tried to convince me that loganberries were from Logan county where I lived.
He also told me that they used to film Big Valley in his hometown when he was in high school. This one I actually believed for about a year. It got debunked when I asked my mom about "... you know, when they filmed Big Valley in West Frankfort..." she said "What? Who told you that?" I said, "Dad." She laughed for about 2 hours. (I never said I was bright).
We used to sing "Bill Grogan's Goat." I don't know why it's funny--it just is.

Now a bit of sentimental. I offer up Charile Peacock's My Father's Crown. Gives me goosebumps at how close it is to my own experience.

It just happened again,
I wanted to call you up,
I wanted your opinion about something.

It's funny how I valued it so little before,
But now that I can't have it,
I value it more.

Why didn't God let me know?
I could have pleaded your case.
With Christmas around the corner,
You'd have said it was bad timing,
And in poor taste.

But he didn't ask me.
Dad didn't know,
It was your time
To go.

Couldn't crash
Couldn't cry
Couldn't crawl.
Threw my hands up
In the face of it all.
So this is what it's like
To be the child of a man who's dead and gone.

But the next time I see him,
It will be in a different light.
We'll look at each other,
And all we'll see is what's right.

And if I am indeed
My father's crown,
I will lay my body down,
At the feet of my savior,
And I will sing forever,
With the perfection my father so desired.
Every note in tune, every rhythm flawless,

Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.

I love you poppy.
Gene Warfel April 7, 1951-November 21, 2002

Back

2007-11-16T11:57:00.000-06:00

I'm going home. Home to Guthrie. I haven't been there in a long time. Last time I went back was for a wedding. This time, I'm going to visit friends, see some sights, take some pictures, put some closure on my life there. I'm not nervous. I thought I would be. I don't think I'm haunted by that place any more. So many events surround that place--school, swim lessons, choir, first jobs, mom's death, musicals, Laura, graduation, summer theatre, dad's firirng and moving away, now his death. I'm ready to go, and dare I say excited? 2007 has been a heck of a year for me emotionally, and I find the end of it invigorating--like my "do over" has finally come, and this trip seems like an excellent way to seal up 2007 (and my subsequent past) and toss it in the ocean. I'm done.

I'm listening to my beloved old Rich Mullins today. Yes, it reminds me of Dad, but it reminds me of me, too. I think I have a song of his for every mood, emotion, weather pattern, and food (I keed). Today I offer up "Elijah." It says what I cannot say about relationships (current and past), life, wounded hearts, and fantastical departures.

The Jordan is waiting for me to cross through
My heart is aging I can tell
So Lord I'm begging for one last favor from You
Here's my heart take it where You will

This life has shown me how we're mended and how we're torn
How it's okay to be lonely as long as you're free
Sometimes my ground was stoney
And sometimes covered up with thorns
And only You could make it what it had to be
And now that it's done

Well, if they dressed me like a pauper
Or if they dined me like a prince
If they lay me with my fathers
Or if my ashes scatter on the wind I don't care

But when I leave I want to go out like Elijah
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire
And when I look back on the stars
Well, It'll be like a candlelight in Central Park
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye

There's people been friendly, but they'd never be your friend
Sometimes this has bent me to the ground
Now that this is all ending I want to hear some music once again
'Cause it's the finest thing I have ever found

But the Jordan is waiting
Though I ain't never seen the other side
They say you can't take in the things you have here
So on the road to salvation I stick out my thumb and He gives me a ride
And His music is already falling on my ears

There's people been talking
They say they're worried about my soul
Well, I'm here to tell you I'll keep rocking
'Til I'm sure it's my time to roll
And when I do

When I leave I want to go out like Elijah
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire
And when I look back on the stars
Well, it'll be like a candlelight in Central Park
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye

When I leave I want to go out like Elijah
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire
And when I look back on the stars
Well, it'll be like a candlelight in Central Park And it won't break my heart to say goodbye

The Jordan is waiting
The Jordan is waiting

Bye, bye

BALD

2007-11-01T09:33:00.000-05:00

My husband SHAVED HIS HEAD AND GOATEE. We were Charlie Brown and Lucy for Halloween. Who shows up at the party with no hair and no goat? My Jeremy. He's had the goatee for 10 years. I've never seen him in person without it. It was hands down one of the strangest sensations to kiss that face with no whiskers.
However, I give him mad props for being committed to the role. He was the best Charlie Brown I'd seen in a long time. Also given are kudos for spontenaity! He tells me he only decided to do it about an hour or so before the event.

Anyway, it was a fun night, and here's to quick hair growth.

Bricks

2007-10-30T11:57:00.000-05:00

Taking down the walls again, brick by brick
Picking away at the mortar that lies in between.
I live in fear of what I'll find there--
in the darkest places.

Do you know how much I love you?
The cold weather brings introspection,
As if my loves are carried in by the wind.
Those in the light, those who lift up my head,
Those who are allowed behind my wall.

"Into the light!" she commands,
Taking captive the thoughts that threaten to enslave
to the revolving loop of graceless edges.

Do you know how much I love you?
You who enlighten, inspire, laugh, encourage, trust.
This illuminated place within my wall is for you--
No boundaries exist in my relationship with you.

Named and unnamed
It doesn't make a difference.
You know who you are--
And the grafitti of your name is emblazoned
behind my eyes and on the wall--always there for comfort.

Instead of the bricks,
I'll see your faces
A mosaic of the hearts I love
the minds I trust
the laughter I crave
the grace I cannot give myself
the love.
B2-10/30/07
_______________________________

Beware what the cool weather does to the emo kids. I've had some conversations in recent days that make me long for those who are far from me. You know, the ones in your life who provide the motivation to keep going. Even those with whom we have lost touch who made a lasting impression--they have come to my mind. Some live, some do not, some are near, some are away--and I'm moved to weeping when I consider the healing balm they provide for my calloused heart and attitude, the example for for living they have provided, the richness I have been blessed to taste from their relationship.

All this to say, dear friends, I love you.

Bold Lyrics

2007-10-10T09:33:00.000-05:00

I recently re-discovered who is bound to become one of my favorite artists, Charlie Peacock. His biography and journey to faith is an incredible story, and one that I love. I first learned of him during SALTeens '94, when we performed his song Slippery Pearls on tour (a nice blusey tune). I bought the album Everything That's On My Mind later that summer--and it became one that was on heavy rotation in my CD player.

Well, musical tastes grow and change, and I eventually left Charlie to collect dust in the CD rack, eventually trading it for other discs. iTunes wasn't even a glimmer in Apple's eye back then, and with converting music to MP3/WAV and whatever else--I realized I'd really like to hear that Charlie Peacock album again. So, I fire up the Macbook and log on to iTunes. I found several albums by a Charlie Peacock, mostly Jazz and a bunch of stuff I'd never heard of. No sign of Everything That's On My Mind. I step over to the ever-trusty Wikipedia and read what seems to be an excellent bio and find a link to his site. Come to find out, Everything That's On My Mind is out of print. I ordered it from his site for a paltry $15.00. It hasn't left my CD player since its arrival yesterday.

His voice isn't spectacular. The instrumentation is good for a studio album, obviously quality people were working with him...the album is on Sparrow Records. But it is his lyrics to which I'm most attracted. Only someone with a testimony like his could string together words like this. Ministry is present in the hymn-like reflections--but there is a quality beyond mere testimony...as if you may be reading his personal journal. He's second only to my beloved Rich Mullins as far as "Christian" musicians are concerned.
Track listing in order of MY favorites on this album (not as they appear):
Monkeys at the Zoo
Everthing That's On My Mind
My Father's Crown
William & Maggie
Slippery Pearls
One Man Gets Around
Climb A Tree
Inside Out Upside Down
Aim A Little Higher
Dear Exception

So I leave you with Monkeys at the Zoo (c 1994)

Will it be different now, or the same?
Will I have learned anything?
Or was it just a way
To spend a day or two
Set aside for thinking thoughts about you?
If that's all it was, I had a good time.
But that won't be enough for me,
Not this year not any time soon.

I have got to clean house
Gotta make my bed
Gotta clear my head
It's getting kind of stuffy in here
Smells sorta funky too
Like monkeys at the zoo.

I have been a whoring after things
Cause I wanna feel safe inside
That's a big fat lie
No amount of green, gold or silver
Can ever take the place of the peace of God.
Spirit, come flush the lies out.
Spirit, come flush the lies out.

Will it be different now, or the same?
Have I changed at all?
And if you were to dive deep inside my soul
Would you find Jesus there, or a gaping hole?
Should I be content with my beautiful Christian life?
But that won't be enough for me.
Not this year not any time soon.

I have got to clean house
Gotta make my bed
Gotta clear my head
It's getting kind of stuffy in here
Smells sorta funky too
Like monkeys at the zoo.

I have been a whoring after things
Cause I wanna feel safe inside
That's a big fat lie
No amount of green, gold or silver
The perfect body
Another hot toddy
Work for the Lord
Fame and Power
Power and Sex
As steat at the table at the Belle Meade Country Club
Here's the rub:
Nothing will ever take the place of the peace of God.
Spirit, come flush the lies out.
Spirit, come flush the lies out.

Will it be different now, or the same?
Will I have learned anyting?

Before Chicago

2007-09-24T22:34:00.000-05:00

Beth Live

2007-09-22T16:19:00.000-05:00

Blind

2007-09-18T10:03:00.001-05:00

Do you ever have those times when you wish you would have paid more attention in school? I've been experiencing that for about a week. It started when I began making a mental list of movies to watch that I hadn't seen (or only seen bits of). Schindler's List wound up in my tally--yes, I have never viewed the entire thing. I've only seen bits here and there, never really stopping to look at the film and understand the historical significance being portrayed. So, I did what any decent scholar would do--I looked it up on Wikipedia.

In only a few moments I was caught up in the story of Oskar Schindler, realizing I hardly knew anything about WWII, much less the Holocaust. So began one of those link chasing readings...and before I knew it, my eyes filled with tears and my heart was a mixture of rage and compassion. I even called up a scholar friend and had her explain the Nuremburg Trials.

I'm astounded by it all--the capacity for hideousness, the Final Solution theory, the acceptance of what was going on, and the inability to stop myself from thinking "I would have lived" due to the color of my eyes and hair and my ancestry. I suppose I have avoided thinking about these atrocities. During a college psych course we visited a Holocaust museum in Dallas--and our entire class was put into one of the boxcars. I'm haunted by that a little bit today. Also, around that same time, I tried to read Mein Kampf (loaned to me by a well meaning professor) for history's sake and to say that I'd read it...well, I quit not even halfway through due to the nightmares it induced. We all want to avoid what makes us uncomfortable. Then again, "uncomfortable" doesn't begin to describe what I feel.

For comfort, I'm reminded of Deitrich Bonhoeffer (who was executed at Flossenburg concentration camp) and Corrie ten Boom (who hid Jewish escapees)...yet I struggle with understanding it all. And the torture wasn't reserved for only the Jews...it reached to any and all who opposed. I suppose I'm also comforted by the history of Jewish culture and richness of their faith. I'm sure I'll blog about this more, but I need time to sort out my thoughts. I leave today with Amy Grant's song "Lead Me On." You'll note the verses regarding exile in Egypt and then about WWII era.

Lead Me On
From the album Lead Me On
Amy Grant, 1990

Shoulder to the wheel
For someone elses selfish gain
Here there is no choosing
Working the clay
Wearing their anger like a ball and chain.

Fire in the field
Underneath a blazing sun
But soon the sun was faded
And freedom was a song
I heard them singing when the day was done
Singing to the holy one.

Lead me on
Lead me on
To a place where the river runs
Into your keeping, oh.

Lead me on
Lead me on
The awaited deliverance
Comforts the seeking...lead on.

Waiting for the train
Labelled with a golden star
Heavy hearted boarding
Whispers in the dark
Where are we going--is it very far?

Bitter cold terrain
Echoes of a slamming door
In chambers made for sleeping, forever
Voices like thunder in a mighty roar
Cry to the lord.

Lead me on
Lead me onT
o a place where the river runs
Into your keeping, oh.
Lead me on
Lead me on
The awaited deliverance
Comforts the seeking...lead on.

Man hurts man
Time and time, time again
And we drown in the wake of our power
Somebody tell me why.

Lead me on
Lead me on
To a place where the river runs
Into your keeping, oh.

Lead me on
Lead me on
The awaited deliverance
Comforts the seeking...lead on.

Britney

2007-09-11T10:45:00.000-05:00

I am tired of Britney Spears. I am tired of wishing she had a brain, tired of hoping her "parents" will step in and DO something, tired of seeing her on magazine covers, tired of people thinking she was ever a musician in the first place. I see a sad person, who stopped advancing mentally at age 13, that has been surrounded by "yes" people for her entire life. I see a new mother trying to cope with her life, making continual bad decisions and no one offering her a lifeline. Her life is no different than yours or mine--except that her misbehavior, bad choices, and faux talent are shoved into the public limelight.

I found this article to be quite good and encapsulate all that I try to articulate about this girl.

Also a word to our media-PLEASE CARRY SOME ACTUAL NEWS. BRITNEY, PARIS, LINDSAY AND/OR THEIR COHORTS ARE NOT NEWS.

And one more item, a word to MTV-YOU DISGUST ME! PLAY ACTUAL VIDEOS! I AM SICK OF YOU AND THE IMAGES YOU PERPETUATE. YOUR AWARDS SHOW WAS A JOKE AND I'M NOT WATCHING ANY MORE. Vh-1 classic seems to be the only place I can watch actual videos (that arent full of naked women and thugs).

That is all.

2007-09-10T21:37:00.000-05:00

Billy Joel & the Box

2007-09-06T09:23:00.000-05:00

I love Billy Joel. Has he done the mentor thing on American Idol? If not, I think he should. And yes, I watch American Idol along with every other 12 year old in the US. My favorites of his include: New York State of Mind, Allentown, For The Longest Time, Big Shot, Movin' Out, Scenes from and Italian Restaurant, Tell Her About It, Innocent Man and Only The Good Die Young. Songs of his I'm medocre about: Piano Man (at one time I could play it, but my sheet music looked nothing like what you hear on HIS tracks. Duh.), We Didn't Start the Fire, My Life, Goodnight Saigon, Cap't. Jack, Leave A Tender Moment, Keeping the Faith. And, there are some of his songs that I simply do NOT like: Still Rock and Roll to Me, River of Dreams, Honesty. Considering the breadth of his work, there isn't much the man hasn't attempted musically, and seemingly in his personal life (escapades in cars during drunken outings aside--but we'll stick with the music for now). I've never listened to his Fantasies & Delusions: Songs for Solo Piano which apparently borders on the classical realm. Someone told me recently that when older artists who have a large library of "classics" (I believe we were discussing Paul McCartney) release newer material, they might as well title the album "Bathroom Songs" because that's what the audience will do when the artist plays the newer stuff at shows. I don't think this necessarily applies to Joel, due to the popularity of his later work. However, I would definitely hit the ladies' during River of Dreams. He is one of my essential NY artists and is one of my obsessive connections to that city. His voice is mellow and he exercises such control over the tone--I don't know how he does it. He can be straightforward or blusey, rough or soothing. I love the sunglasses, love the blue jeans, love the piano. Perahps that's why I like him so much--as a piano student I wanted to play the way he does.

"The Box" referrs to television. It's time for fall premiers, and man am I excited that summer TV is over. What a bunch of drivel! I'm so so so set for:

House-we get a mix up of the usuals and add some new blood (no pun intended). I've missed the curmudgeonly diagnostician. It's possible that I like smarmy characters too much--but I think fans of House all want to be a bit like him, and tear our filters off.
Boston Legal-two words my friends, "Denny Crane." Season 3 is about to be released on DVD which I shall obtain from Netflix, and I will savor all of season 4, especially with the addition of John Laroquett! Alan Shore (portrayed by the gets-better-with-age James Spader)=smarmy (again!).
Grey's Anatomy-Soap opera? Sure. Medical? Not much. Your basic brain candy. I hear Meredith's sister (or half sister or what? I wasn't aware that her mom and dad had any other children with each other. Perhaps I wasn't supposed to know) shows up.
The Office
Friday Night Lights-finally moved to Friday nights, ha. I must know what is happening with Riggs (pure smarm...), and the Tyra/Landry situation (he rescued her as she was being attacked in a parking lot...he's a nerd, she's a hottie bad girl...I think they like one another, but we shall see.) Kyle Chandler is perfect in this role, and Tami Taylor is great, too.

I did have two summer shows that were pretty good: Psych (on USA)-it is about two guys who have a fake "psychic" detective agency and often work with their local police dept. Dule Hill (formerly of The West Wing) a great comedian and James Rodan is...well...the embodiment of slacker/sleuth. Corbin Bernsen is an added bonus as Rodan's cranky ex-cop dad. The other summer surprise is Saving Grace on TNT. This is not intended for younger audiences. How basic cable gets away with some things, I'll never know. Anyhow, Grace is portrayed by Holly Hunter, and is a cop living in Oklahoma City. They have built her backtsory around the OKC bombing in 95, having her lose a sister in the bombing. She's your basic drunk, promiscuious, self-satisfying, belligerent, tough, angel-visitied loner. Yes, she has regular visits from an angel named Earl (who is balding with a gut) who is trying to persuade her to patch up some things in her life. In addition to the spiritual overtones (which aren't so syrupy they make you gag...I've been teared up a few times watching) there are a lot of Oklahoma references to landmarks and places I know, including Penn Square Mall, Will Rogers Airport, 63rd & May, etc. And, some of the characters have Oklahoma towns for last names: Stillwater, Hanadarko (Anadarko), and Hinton. Again, I stress this is for the mature viewer--but man is it riveting. I remember the bombing, and heard it go off in my town 30 miles away. I'm touched by the show and it's great writing.

Enough for now. Any Billy Joel songs you'd care to share? Favorites? Unfavorites? What shows are you looking forward to this fall? ADD moment: I'm going to Academy tonight for new tennis shoes. Recommendations accepted.

Give Love.

Big Mouth

2007-08-22T12:11:00.000-05:00

I was talking with a friend recently, and they asked me what some of my comfort foods were. Here are my answers:

Macaroni & Tomatoes: plain elbow macaroni cooked with plain canned tomatoes (diced) with a bit of margarine, salt and pepper. My mom made it the best, and my aunt Becky is a close second. I eat this at least 3 times a month.
Mashed potatoes: I leave the skins on and add a bit of margarine, salt, pepper, and skim milk. I hear that carbs are full of tryptophan (same stuff thats in turkey) to make me feel better.
Pizza: the worst of them all. I love Pizza Hut deep dish, and I love Pizza Hut breadsticks. Toppings are inconsequential to me--I'll eat almost any of them EXCEPT the pineapple/Canadian bacon combo. FRUIT DOES NOT GO ON PIZZA, PEOPLE.
Bread: crusty, hot, good bread. Preferrably from Central Market or Whole Foods.
Coke: I love Coca-Cola Classic. I don't buy it for home, I rarely order it in restaurants. If I have it, it's usually with fast food. I want it big, and I want it COLD. It's got to have that "sting" when going down.
Kolaches: preferrably from Shipleys.

What are your comfort foods?

I'm nervous about my impending Dr. appointment tomorrow. I'm having blood work done, and I'm already running various versions of the conversation in my head, about having to hear that I'm overweight and that my cholesterol is too high and that I have to get control of myself. All I have to say right now is that I'm done with being this fat. I've blogged about it a zillion times, searched for the right accountability partners, used meal plans--and you know why they don't work? BECAUSE I DON'T FOLLOW THEM THROUGH. I'm eating myself into an early grave. So, there it is, out in the light. I'm an emotional overeater who binges in the evenings and tries to make herself feel better by eating. All the food in the world doesn't make you feel better unless you like yourself. Fine then--I've spent 6 months and $$ in therapy to realize that hey, I do like myself, and now I'm going to show my body that I'm worth all that time and investment. Prayers are appreciated (although not a substitute for discipline). Yes the Lord loves me no matter what, however, self-control partnered with prayers is very powerful.

Also, I have to stop opening my mouth not just for food, but with my opinions. I recently read that opinions are not worth arguing over, especially with those you love. This is true! Opinions are not necessarily truths, and it is a graceful person who understands when the should/shouldn't be shared. Most times I'm too busy digging my foot out of my mouth from the time before when I let loose with inappropriate things. Tacky, I know, but it is what it is. I used to think I was being helpful and honest, but the older I get the more I can see how "helpful" and "honest" comments from me can be construed as rude and cold-hearted. Oh, the lessons of learning to be tactful yet truthful.

Boggarts and Blessings

2007-08-01T10:43:00.000-05:00

See Jeremy's blog about our recent weekend events here. It was crazy, and he wrote it out well.

I had started this lovely blog about fears and how to cope with them, but have abandoned it in favor of thinking about forgiveness. Instead of making this a musing on forgiving vs. forgetting (because honestly, how many of us actually forget?), I'm taking a more positive swing and recognizing how healing forgiveness can be--even if you never see or hear from the other person again. I'm sure all of us have these people; those who have hurt our hearts in ways that are so deep that it seems the wounds will never heal. And, like a 8mm film, the scenes may flip through our memories at the most inopportune times, crashing us back into the experience, and the wounds seem fresh again, even though you were positive they had scarred over.

So forgiving is a big mystery to me, in my personal life and in the grand scheme of world events. However, when it is fully realized, forgiving someone can release you from a so many unhealthy habits-many of which you may not even know were there. I like the song posted below, originally recorded by Don Henley, although I prefer the version recorded by India.Arie. I'm not interpreting the song from a lover's point of view, because the lyics have nothing to do with myself and Jeremy. And also, please don't email me asking "Hey, am I the one that has offended you?" because none of you are. They will never see this, and it's my blog, I'll be cathardic if I wanna. Pay special attention to the 2nd verse-those are the words that I liked the most.

The Heart of the Matter

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you'd found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside loves open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew,
I'm learning again
I've been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore.

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
Theyre the very things - we kill I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out
I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life whove come and gone
They let you down you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on
You keep carryin that anger; it' ll eat you up inside, baby

I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thought seem to scatter
But I think its about forgiveness forgiveness

Ive been tryin to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So Im thinkin about forgiveness
Even if, you dont love me anymore.
_______________________________

So it is okay to forgive them. Okay to let it all go. It's not helping you. You're holding on to some baggage only because you might not know who you are without it. There is love a-plenty in this world. Isn't holding on to all of that making you tired? Set it down! Put out the fires of your drama. Try this on instead.

Blog Tag

2007-07-23T16:04:00.000-05:00

Chelsie made me do it! Those of you who read my myspace page (back when it was...you know...active...) know I can't resist a survey.

My firsts:
First memory- watching the back of my father as he stood at his stero in the living room of our house on 20th street in Lincoln, IL. If I'm not mistaken, he was playing Riders on the Storm.

First kiss- Zac Stevens, 6th grade, Roller World skating rink in Guthrie, OK. Weirdly, he was a preacher's kid, too! I thought it was weird because he had braces. We turned out to be okay friends.

First concert- Amy Grant, Straight Ahead tour, 1985/84

First pet-A calico cat named Cornbread.

First best friend- Marissa Johnston. We've known each other for 26 years (I was 4 she was 3 when we met at church, her dad was an elder). We have lived through a lot, and don't keep in touch like we used to, but she was the first. She had a kick-butt playhouse that her dad built.

Last CD you bought- Diana Krall From This Moment On. Seriously-she could sing the phone book and I'd buy it. Such a musical person, sultry and inviting voice. Heavy jazz influence, but doesn't strictly stay in that genre. She plays the piano, too.

Had a decent weekend. Bought the HP book, and will begin reading tonight. Did a shopping trip to Central Market which I love. Tried out a new brand of sparkling water, bought herbs, gorgeous produce, and crusty bread. Sampled all kinds of stuff in there. Had a nice lunch at a new place--Empire Cafe--with Luci & Michael. Sang some karaoke with Bill & Emily, and even went country dancing! Oh Lordy, it was fun. I think it was worth the cover price to watch people dancing! Jer had to be on call Sunday night. He's done with call for about a week, which is very nice. Looking forward to vacation in Chicago in September.

Books

2007-07-19T08:54:00.000-05:00

I love to read. I love bookstores (bookstores with a music section are bonus). The first books I can remember reading (or having read to me) are Dr. Seuss books, Sesame Street (Children's Television Workshop books) and Bible books--Cat in the Hat, Green Eggs and Ham, Are You My Mother? (not Seuss), The Monster at the End of This Book, and so on.

Elementary school presented a whole other worldliness within books. My imagination was set free in The Chronicles of Narnia, Julie of the Wolves, Justin and the Best Biscuits in the World, all of the Ramona Quimby books, Tales of a Forth Grade Nothing, Superfudge, Ribsy, etc.

Jr. High and High School brought on the classics. I vivdly remember Mrs. Hendricks' 11th grade honors English class. Mrs. Hendricks was a fan of literature, and we sped through the grammar with little fanfare so we could concentrate on books. In her class I was introduced to The Great Gatsby (which I still like), Little Women, Jane Eyre, Rebecca, The House of Seven Gables, To Kill A Mockingbird, and others. I also give credit to my 7th grade reading teacher, Mrs. Smith for introducing A Separate Peace, A Day No Pigs would Die, and various witers includine E.A. Poe, Thoreau, Whitman, Tolkein, and Shakespeare.

College was new territory in the way of books--for the first time I was assigned books which I didn't particularly want to read, yet once I got started the benefit of said books was outstanding. Books for classes included some "trendy" books I had resisted reading because they were trendy, but was blown away by them, and considered myself thick-headed for not having read them before. They included: The Jesus I Never Knew, Grip of Grace, and Cost of Discipleship. Through friends I was also introduced to writers that were amazingly colorful and thought provoking such as Kurt Vonnegut, Ken Kesey, Hunter S. Thompson and the like.

Other authors I have come to like since college: Isabel Allende, Sophie Kinsella, Marian Keyes, Jeffrey Archer, Rebecca Wells, Sue Monk Kidd, Donald Miller and Brennan Manning.

All of this is to say that my reading plate is full once again. I'm re-reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince to prepare myself to read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows once it is released this Friday. I made a trip to Half Price Books last night--which always makes me think fondly of my step-mother Laura, and wish she was with me. I purchased a copy of Eugene Peterson's The Message: The Bible in Contemporary Language, hardback for only $7.98! I also purchased one of those formerly "trendy" books in Christian circles Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire by Jim Cymbala. I'm halfway through Philp Yancey's Prayer. It is a delightfully cloudy and stormy day in Houston, and I'd rather be curled up on the couch with my doggies and some books! My green tea is nearly finished, and I must get to work now. I anticipate flipping pages this evening, letting my imagination have free reign over the words.

I always take recommendations, please give! History, general fiction, comedy, mystery, classics, biographies--I will give it a try! Seldom do I begin a book that I don't finish (Which happened with a recent recommendation from Jason Woolery, sorry homie). I'm also a fan of the public library (when I haven't gone nutty and run up a fine).

Give love.

Birthday

2007-07-06T10:34:00.000-05:00

It was a good birthday. No, it was a GREAT birthday! My Jeremy had a surprise party for me at Buca di Beppo (family style Italian food). I was so mopey and thought we weren't doing anything except going to dinner, and we got there and a handful of our friends were there! It was awesome to see Jackie & Kalyse over the weekend too. They only live over in Austin, but we don't see them much. Jeremy also had custom made M&M's made that said "Beth's 30!" Also, he got me season one of the Monkees on DVD. What a guy--he really did a great job of keeping a secret. Even with his surgery and his nose still being packed up...he pulled it off. I love you, babes, I do. And your sweet blog made me weepy-especially the DMB part! Friends, click his link in my sidebar to read the love (if you can stand the mush. I personally love the mush right now).

After dinner I forced Jer, Jackie & Kalyse to play Monopoly with me. After about an hour of play we decided that Jackie and Jer tied. On Sunday we all slept in and went to Baba Yega for brunch, then me and Jackie & Kalyse did some shopping at Old Navy and Rack Room shoes. I purchased an awesome new pair of Chuck Taylors. We met back up with Jer around 2/2:30 and hung around the house until the girls had to head back to Austin.

Since this is MY blog, I suppose I can tell you the gifts I received and not feel bad about it. They were: the previously mentioned DVD, a CD from the movie Open, 2 martini glasses, several gift cards, a Saved By the Bell board game, Led Zeppelin boxed set, tickets to a TUTS (theatre under the stars for you non-Houstonians) show, and tons of cards and well wishes. It was a wonderful way to usher in my 30s. Pictures to come.

Now for the reflections: 2007 will forever be labeled the year that I grew up. I have swallowed some of the most bitter dealings life has to offer. However, in trudging through these life dealings, I have come out a better version, a more whole version of me. I am still learning. I am still open and raw yet learning how to appropriately communicate these things without alienating everyone in my life. I'm done with therapy for the time being, and that in itself is a milestone I didn't think I'd reach before the end of the year. I feel complete in my marriage, I am fulfilled by my work, I'm developing disciplines against which I previously rebelled. I don't have many answers--but that is okay. I'm responsible for me.

I love you all. Go forth today and be the best you that you can. Seek advice from friends, show concern, listen. Open your wounds to be healed. Give love.

Babies, Babies, Babies!

2007-06-29T11:18:00.000-05:00

Lucy Danger Kliethermes entered the world yesterday, June 28, 2007. She weighed 8 lbs. and 2 oz. and is 20" long. She was born to my cousin Kristin and her husband Tom. Even though little Lucy is technically my 2nd cousin, she will call me aunty Beth, just like Tori. I love her name, so she can say "Danger is my middle name!" Kris & Tom are some of the most intelligent, humourous, wacky people I have the pleasure of knowing. My giant golden calculator says so. "She needs a golden calculator to deeeviiideeee....."

Speaking of babies, Jeremy's sister is expecting! I believe she is due next March. We are so happy. Miss Tori told her mother that she wants a sister AND a brother! Kristina said no, just one. There are 3 new babies at church: Annabelle, Reese, and Truitt. Billy & Amy had their 2nd child earlier this year, and Jenny & Wes are awaiting the arrival of their 3rd. Even Mark & Shanna have had their 2nd. To say that Jeremy and I have taken our time is the understatment of the century!

However, I look forward to being a mom, which I used to not. I think it will be okay to be different--to be that mom about which her children say: "Well, we were never at a loss for stuff to do." I don't think it is bad for couples to not want to have children. I didn't want to have children for a long time. I think it is deplorable for people to have children and then ignore them or treat them badly in any way (by badly, I mean abuse, neglect, lack of boundaries, vicariously living through them, forcing them into unwanted situations, etc. By badly I do not mean punishment. Punishment can be a productive tool in giving children boundaries.)

Most of all, I love how babies make me laugh. They are creative in their own tiny ways, and they turn into kids that make me laugh even more.

Being Honest...

2007-06-26T13:01:00.000-05:00

Honesty is a trait I used to think I posessed in abundance. I prided myself on the fact that I spoke my mind whenever possible, because no matter what, I was going to be truthful about myself and honest about my opinion--and remain unashamed. I am here to say that it has broken me on more than one occasion!

The arena that I find this concept so at work in is that of associating with other humans. In forming relationships with other people, I used to come across as a very blunt, sometimes rude, rigid and unmoving person. I believe the majority of that came from being harshly honest in my own weird way of staying true to myself.

As age comes floating around (perhaps my 30th has sparked this reflection), I see a need to form my interpersonal communications in a much more reserved way. For instance, if I am talking with someone who has different ideals about the world, society, politics, or religion, I do not want to be an obstinate person, thinking that my way is the right way and it is too sad that this person cannot adujust their thinking and be right. I don't want to be offended because a person communicates in antiquated language and uses terms I find outdated and un-incluisve.

I want to be gracious and understanding. I want to take that person's experiences into consideration. I want to be a more inclusive, giving, nurturing individual. I want to listen without bias. It is very difficult for me to reign in my fat mouth. It is very difficult not to take on a sarcastic whiny tone in my voice and say "How can you think xyz?" It is difficult for me to avoid that tone while relaying my endeavors to confidants. I don't want to feel as if I am some high and mighty, educated, all-knowing, got-the-answers-you-lameos-can't-see person. I don't want to be prone to useless bitchery (which admittedly, I am).

Even if I posess such education, even if I have answers that will work, it is unacceptable to present myself in such ways to other humans. So, my questions are: is communication in this way something that can be learned? Can you be honest with others in a way that comes across as information sharing/experience sharing, not "Hey, you're ridiculous and here's why."? Can you feel good about yourself after forming your communications/conversations in ways that are less confrontational (but no less true)? Can we really be honest with other people without letting go of our principles?

Background Music

2007-06-21T12:05:00.001-05:00

I love movie soundtracks. Recently I had a friend ask me what my favorite soundtracks are. It took me a moment to reply, and I kept adding others sporadically throughout our conversation. I've been reflecting on this a bit, and it seems that there should be categories for movie soundracks, because you have a) your basic compliation/mix tape, b) actual composed scores, and c) musicals. The 3 categories certainly overlap.

Here are my 5 top compliation soundtracks, in no particular order:
1) Almost Famous (contains: Led Zeppelin, Beach Boys, Nancy Wilson, Todd Rundgren, Simon & Garfunkle, The Weeds, Thunderclap Newman, Elton John, Lynrd Skynrd, and more).

2) Baz Luhrmann's Romeo + Juliet (contains: Radiohead, BH Surfers, Everclear, Garbarge, others).

3) Clerks (contains: Alice in Chains, Stabbing Westward, Girls Against Boys, Soul Asylum)

4) Garden State (contains: The Shins, Carey Brothers, Frou Frou, Coldplay)

5) Forrest Gump (contains: 5th Dimension, The Doors, Mamas & Papas, Jefferson Airplane, The Byrds, Fleetwood Mac).

My top 3 scored/composed soundtracks:
1) Elizabeth
2) Pirates of the Carribean (which I don't actually own! Perhaps a trip to iTunes is in order.)
3) Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves (sans cheeseball ballad by Brian Adams).
Honorable mentions in this category go to Braveheart and Last of the Mohicans, simply because they are so popular. I like them.

My top 5 soundtracks for a musical:
1) Rent
2) Les Miserables
3) Phantom of the Opera
4) Oklahoma!
5) The Music Man

Tell me some of your favorites.

Bowing Down

2007-06-18T14:24:00.000-05:00

Why is prayer so difficult for me to understand? In developing the spiritual discipline of devotion and meditation, I often pray. However, what I pray about varies from day to day, and sometimes I only manage to get through a laundry list of requests either for family or friends or church needs. I would like my prayers to take a different shape--something along the lines of formative meditation, in addition to lifing up my requests. I don't really know hat kind of face that is going to take, but I'm inspired by the challenge.

I fully believe in the supernatural aspect of prayer. I believe what the Bible teaches about bringing our requests before God and receiving answers from Him. But, I have often reflected on the CS Lewis quote that "Prayer doesn't change God, prayer changes us." How? How does it change me? Is it in the verbalization of my needs? Is it in the public and private acknowldegement of God's power? Is it in the crying out of my mouth and heart in the dark hours? Is it in the public and private declarations of Jesus as Lord? Or is it simply the affirmation of the relationship between God and myself? That seems most natural. How can one sustain a relationship without communication? Sometimes I feel my conversations with God are empty echoes in the caves of my mind. Nothing but reverb boucing around. Other times I feel quite close to him, letting him in to what he already knows about me.

So, prayer, what do I do with you? I'm toying with reading Philip Yancey's book on prayer. Several have recommended it to me, and Jeremy received a copy for Christmas last year. It's been a while since there was a spiritual book I really devoured. Here I curb my initial desire to talk about books, so I save that as a possibility for next week.

Give love.