Some Songs and Stuff

These two songs have been on constant rotation on the iPod/CD player for the last week or so. Not because they're the greatest things ever written, but right now they are speaking to me.
There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy.
There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time - It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.

All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
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Sometimes my life just don't make sense at all.
When the mountains look so big, but my faith just seems so small.
So hold me, Jesus, 'Cause I'm shaking like a leaf.
You have been king of my glory, won't you be my prince of peace.

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark.
It's hot inside my soul, I swear there must be blisters on my heart.
So hold me, Jesus, 'Cause I'm shaking like a leaf.
You have been king of my glory, won't you be my prince of peace.

Surrender don't come natural to me.
I'd rather fight you for what I don't really want,
Than take what you give that I need.
And I've beat my head against so many walls,
That I'm falling down, falling on my knees.

And the Salvation Army band was playing this hymn,
And your grace rang out so deep,
It made my resistance seem so thin...

So hold me, Jesus, 'Cause I'm shaking like a leaf.
You have been king of my glory, won't you be my prince of peace.
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No hidden meanings in these really. The lyrics speak for themselves. I find them comforting right now.
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Laura came through surgery just fine. She is recovering at home with the help of friends and her sister. She will meet with an oncologist soon, to determine a plan of treatment. We will see her in July. I miss her. We have such good conversation together.
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Through a conversation with one of my friends, we got onto the topic of meekness. I don't think I've ever considered meekness, especially with regard to Jesus' words in Mt. 5--the beatitudes, the sermon on the mount--"Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." I confess--I've always equated meekness with shy and weak. However, I now don't think that's what it means. I have no clear definition at this point. Another of Rich's songs says "I will sing for the meek, those who pray with their very lives for peace. Though they're in chains for a higher call, their mourning will change to laughter when the nations fall." This confuses me more, because I don't understand the lyric. Not that I need Rich Mullins to define all of Scriptures Deep Meanings And Truths, but I often glean understanding within his interpretation. So, I've set myself up for a bit of digging and learning about meekness. Makes me wish I'd paid more attention to Dr. Ham in Life of Christ (and Greek for that matter). One could get tied up in the meanings of the beatitudes for centuries (and have!). Comments welcome on this topic.
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Rent house in Lubbock is secured. We took lots of measurements of walls and windows, and not one stinking picture. I'm checking out fabric this weekend for possibilities of making curtains. I would like it to be fabric I can repurpose later, should it not be used for curtains any more. Houston house will be re-listed today. New realtor, new strategy.
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Looking forward to Galveston get-a-way. Looking forward to summer road trip with Jeremy and my six-year-old niece. Counting down the days to vacation in Gulf Shores.
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Radio possibilities cropping up all over the place. I will be confident enough in myself to investigate them for real this time. No more wondering. Time to try. Time to stop living in fear of failure.

Not Today

I no longer refer to periods of my life as "...going well" or "...going good." This simply makes times in my life that are less than good seem more prominent.

In blunt terms, we have been hit hard by several occurances in the last two weeks. 3 extended family members have passed away--Jeremy's great aunt (Thelm), a cousin of Jeremy's (Jerry), and my great uncle (Tom). Thelm and Tom were siblings of our grandparents. Jerry was a 2nd cousin to Jeremy, and he was in a car accident. Last week my step-mother Laura went to the emergency room for some issues and has had some testing. It is most probable that it is cancer (however, definite test results will be back this week). I have also started meeting with a 12-step group for compulsive overeating. These things are coming on the verge of trying to sell our home, have babies, move...I'm overwhelmed. I don't know whether to isolate and cry or ignore or what. I am thankful that I haven't turned to food to comfort myself.

We need your intercessory prayers-for healing and for peace. Speak for us where we can not. My faith and trust abilities are shaken by these things. Yet I am reminded that we do not have to bear these things alone. Jeremy and I are blessed to have a community that will lift us up. If we can do the same for you, let us. Mutual edification provides an opportunity to give back to all who support us.

So, I heard some good advice last week, not knowing it would come to my aid so soon. When faced with difficult situations, instead of turning to the behavior I know so well and doing the things that seem to bring temporal relief (eating, anger, victim mentality, bitterness, acting out) I say to myself "not today." This day is all that there is. I can not look any further, nor can I rely on the past. When I look at things in the span of a day instead of weeks, months and years, situations seem more manageable. That in combination with unwrenching my futile attempts at control and giving them to the God I serve give me strength.

Hebrews 3:13: "...and let us encourage one another while it is still called Today..."

No Day But Today.

Unexpected Worship

Do you ever have a time when you are unexpectedly hit with the desire to worship? Sometimes nuggets of wisdom come at unexpected times! Mine particularly come from music and the written word. Today I was listening to some worship songs and singing along while doing menial tasks, and I was overwhelmed for a few moments by the words "...my name is written on His heart." I had to stop what I was doing and put my hands up in thankgiving and surrender to my God.

I believe the Holy Spirit moves in and among us, even when we do not activly seek its counsel. Hearts become primed for formation. I like that word more and more...formation. The word "change" seems very rigid. The word formation implies more of a molding and I like that because it fits the human condition a little better. We are constantly being molded and refined. I think that's what overcame me for a few moments today. It was unexpected, but not unpleasant. In confronting the demons of guilt, I often wonder if God wants me. Hearing the sentiment that my name is written on His heart was such a comfort! Oh Counselor Spirit! My own heart is softened, and I can do naught but praise You. So I stopped, and I did.

Frenzy

New craft post up over at Heirloom House!  

There is so much going on.  We have found a house to rent in Lubbock.  Movers came today to meet with Jeremy and get an estimate of what we've got that they'll haul.  We've had lots of lookers at our home in Missouri City, but no offers yet.  It is, however, forcing us to keep the house clean, which, upon further reflection, is probably how we were supposed to be living all along.  

I love Spring time.  We've had beautiful weather for several days now, that came in on the heels of fantastic storms last weekend.  

We had a great trip to California.  We have scads of pictures on Jeremy's Facebook page.  It was one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen.  Our hosts are family friends, and had some great stories to tell about my parents.  They were so gracious to us, and more than generous with their time and resources.  I miss them a lot and wasn't ready to come home.  Their daughter and I have struck up conversations via email, and I'm glad for that budding relationship.

That's about it for now.  Please pray for our friend Chelsie's sister, Christin.  She was in a terrible car accident and we're on our knees for her.  The link to her blog is in my side bar "One Day At A Time" and you can read the story there.  Please add Christin to you your prayers.

Give love.

Promotion

Peep the new crafty blog if you want to: www.heirloomhouse.blogspot.com . Link in sidebar, too. It's not too exciting yet, but just you wait.

Spirit, Come Flush the Lies Out

The title is a line from good 'ole Charlie Peacock. I'll refrain from posting lyrics. I feel certain I have already posted them. But that line is on me today.

I've had a fantastically cruddy few weeks. I'm tattered and torn and trying to pick up my sword and carry on when all I really want to do is pout, yell, throw stuff and hide. I haven't even felt like blogging. The emotional bile has festered in my head, and yesterday my Safe Persons let me barf it all out. I feel remarkably better today, and simply decided to KNOCK IT OFF. I've been lashing out and acting out like a little kid.

No one said or did anything to stir up these weeks of craptasticness. On further reflection I think it is a combination of things--our impending move, lots of work obligations, some losses, and, not least of which is my misguided sense of responsibility and unreal expectations for myself. I've struggled with self-consciousness for a long, long time and it is one of the pieces of baggage I desperately want to lay before the Lord but for whatever reason, I cling to it.

I expect the worst from people. I trust next to no one, and rarely believe what I'm asked to accept. I know why I do this (but in the heat of a meltdown it is unconscious), but it's one of those deep-seeded things...one of the doors in my heart that I don't open. You know what is the craziest? Longing for community fulfillment but refusing to accept it when it comes my way. I have my confessors. I have verbalized my transgressions. Now to leave the past in the past and walk into the place that has been washed clean of failed attempts...it is daunting.

Yet I'm soothed today. Not lulled by any trick or fancy thing, but peaceful in a way that only a good mental purge can provide. I'm reading Brennan Manning's Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging. It is providing some insight! I loved my Sunday school class yesterday. I'm going to read more Psalms. I'm going to breathe in deep the sweet smells of beloved Spring In Houston (my favorite time of year here). I'm going on vacation this week. I love my husband.

I Am All Right. Spirit, Come Flush The Lies Out.

How Does Your Garden Grow?

Missed updating last week. It was an interesting week, to say the least. Started out by recovering from a weekend in Lubbock. That's a blog in itself, but the house hunting was more of a fact finding mission...we saw some things we really liked and got ideas. We'll have to return in May to look more selectively. We're hoping to have our Houston house listed on the market in the next two weeks. We have a lot to do to get it ready. Pass the word folks...House for sale!

On Wednesday, poor Jeremy was involved in a car accident. This comes on the heels of major repairs to my VW. He (thank you Jeebus!) was not hurt, nor was the other party. Unfortunatley, Jeremy received the ticket. Our insurance will cover our repairs, the other party's repairs, and a rental car for Jer to drive. We have to pay the deductible, and that's it. I was so flummoxed by the whole thing I skipped the Ash Wednesday service with the Wed night kids and sat in Cafe Grace with RAL and BISS and we played with yarn. I'm crocheting a blanket, and it looks like it is for an earthworm (at this stage). After Cafe Grace, I drove to Galveston...

...to see SHH(H?)!!!!!!!! I scoured the city for a copy of "Pump Up The Volume." We watched, we laughed, Chair Man laughed at us laughing. Over too many glasses of wine, we poured over HS yearbooks and laughed and talked and it was wonderful. CM asked us if we looked the same to each other, and we said "Yes, exactly!" except she's taller and my legs are only 2 inches long. I got to meet sweet little Baby Hen. On Thursday morning, we strolled the beach looking at all of the beach houses that had damage. We were pretty exhausted from staying up so late. It's still pretty visible...I hadn't noticed it the night before when I drove in. We found odd looking blue jellyfish, lots of shells and of course, did lots more talking. After our walk, we showered and got dressed and came back into Houston. Little Hen was pooped out, and she fell asleep in my car right away.

We picked up Chair Man and had lunch at Ninfa's, after which there was a minor incident with my car...stupid battery connections were not tightened...(VW, have you lost your mind??), but it was quickly mended. We then headed to the Houston Museum of Fine Art to see an exhibit that had apparently already closed. We rode the big escalator and then found a shop in Montrose that had some of the furniture Chair Man is interested (obsessed?) with. And while we were at that shop, SHH took baby out to the sidewalk...AND SHE STARTED WALKING ON HER OWN!!! We went out and she took at least 10 steps from her mama to me. We all cheered for her. I took the travelers back to their car, and they loaded up to go back to Galveston for their final night before heading back to Oklahoma. It was a great time. Now I want to go to OK for a weekend and be my usual self and not have too much wine the night before. I didn't want to say goodbye again. This friendship is all good...I can feel it. Sometimes, you just know.

Friday wasn't so great. My friend, Mary, lost her battle with cancer. She's my title inspiration today. At her memorial service, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE talked about Mary's love for gardening. She sure planted a lot of seeds...literally and figuratively. She loved her church, she loved her family. She basically taught me how to play bridge (along with Jenny). She laughed with me, she mentored my class--I think she condidered us her kids. She loved coffee. She shot straight from the hip, no fluff. She told me about the Pecos Grill and the Mucky Duck. She loved music. She made visitors feel welcome and by the end of the day, knew everything there was to know about them. When she laughed, it was hearty and good. When she was serious, you sat still and listened. She loved Proverbs. I'll miss you, Mary. I'm bidding 3NT for you this week, though I may stain it with my tears.